Dancing Queen : PART 2 (Shh…Here comes the Devil!)
Continued from Part 1
PREVIOUSLY…
“Go Away, Go. Please leave me alone!”- He could hear him screaming again on that cold, dark night. He ran to his room expecting to find the young boy in his blue pajamas, but was shocked to find someone else this time. As he opened the door, there sat a young girl, anxiously staring at the window. As he looked closely beyond her soft curls at her frightened face, she screamed, “Help me Dad, I see him. He is here. He is coming for me! ”
Little drops of sweat gathered on his forehead as he woke up and found himself dozing on the couch. In his lap lay his most adorable daughter Ria, crumbled under her favorite Winnie the Pooh blanket, still biting into the worn out tassels, like the way she has been doing it since she was a toddler. He looked at her face struggling to ward off the nightmare he just had. But, the sadness on the face of his young Ria only made him unsure this time. The accident had been too heavy for this little girl. But, deep in his heart he promised himself, he will make things right, except he didn’t know how.
For many months after the accident, the little house at the corner of the street could not sleep at night. A strange melancholy engulfed the house and all its members were affected. Summer had arrived and the young sapling of the mango tree planted in the garden was ready to bear fruit. However, unlike past years, there were no excited huddles around it.
Many people came to visit Ria, but her resentment grew with each of them. Their pity and sympathies added to her anguish, often making her more miserable and angry. Her mom hid her ballerina shoes in the closet and everybody avoided any conversation about it.
4 months after the accident. Ria was seated in the kitchen with her mom. Seeing her excited dad bringing a large package, she stood up in anticipation. He waited for her to move closer, and slowly he revealed the plastic, artificial leg and moved it towards Ria. Disgusted and indignant Ria tried to run from the kitchen, but fell halfway on the floor. The cold tiled floor struck her hard as the realization that this is what her life is going to be.
She screamed in pain, “Why did you do this to me God?”
Without saying a word, he picked her up and asked her to follow him in the garden outside. They sat on the grass for long, watching the thick, black blanket of sky, laden with stars. He gently stroked her hair and asked,
”Do you know why I got you this artificial leg Ria?”
Ria looked up and nodded in denial.
He looked up at the stars again and replied,
“I had a brother, six years younger than me. When he was born and the first time I took him in my arms, I felt it was the most beautiful thing in the world. I still remember his big black eyes with his little fingers and how thrilled I was when he grabbed my finger in his tiny fist for the very first time. For a very long time, I didn’t move and cautiously made effort to keep my captive finger intact in his soft palm. I remember the gentle touch of his skin, so soft as if it would crumble under the slightest pressure. I loved to watch him for hours, his smiles, his frowns, his tiny yawning and also his loud wailing. Everything about him baffled me and I watched him day and night with the child like awe, as if I had unearthed a hidden treasure, a treasure so pure, so beautiful and yet so mine. For some unknown reason, he satiated my yearning to love, care and protect someone so dear to me. It’s so strange how the sense of responsibility when sinks in so early in life thrills you, excites you, but the same responsibility seems a burden, as a liability as you grow up in life.”
“Unfortunately, I didn’t know then that our days together were numbered. He was born with a fatal genetic disorder.”
The next 10 years were the hardest for me, hardest, cos I watched him suffer every single day. The disease worsened with each passing year. He battled with his condition, while I watched him helplessly along with the rest of my family. The disease affected his organs and slowly made their way to his lungs and heart. Even as a child, I took extreme care in making his days happier. He could not attend school, but I told him numerous stories about my school. Sometimes, I read to him fables and stories of far away lands, of fairies and kings. One day I got back from the school and excitedly took out my book titled ‘The Beauty and the Beast.’ As I went on lengths describing ‘the Beast’ in the story, showing him the picture on the cover of the book, he stared at it for long and said, “I know what he looks like. I have seen one!”
I sprung into my seat and anxiously looked around screaming, “When, Where?”
He pointed to the window and said, “There! Every night I see him standing there, right outside the window. If you will look closely, you might see him, for he might still be there, lurking in the shadows of the mahogany, waiting for the sun to go down. Even in the daytime, I can see him sometimes watching me from a distance, from behind those wild bushes. Remember, last month, on that windy night, when I came running to you, and seeing my wet pajamas mom got all worried. That was the night I saw him in my room for the very first time, right where you are seated! It was the night I realized that shutting down the window panes or hiding under the sheets can’t keep him away. I don’t know how, but somehow he had managed to leap across the window and come inside. In the middle of the dark, cold night, I suddenly felt his warm breath at the back of my neck. As I turned around, I saw his dark black eyes transfixed at me. His shaggy, gigantic face was on top of me, while his coarse lips were drooling over me, wetting my face, and his sharp, white teeth revealed themselves periodically midst the short growls. My body got stiff, for even though I tried really hard to call you, but I could hear no sound coming out of my mouth. My throat was choked with fear, yet I begged him to spare me, but he didn’t move. I don’t remember how much time went by when he finally decided to leave and I came running to you. I have spent many sleepless nights waiting for him since then. For deep in my heart I know, he is coming for me.”
He shuddered and little drops of tears swelled in his eyes. He kept on staring at the window, as if waiting to catch a glimpse of his demon. For a moment I thought his unsettled mind had imagined a rather horrifying dream at such a tender age! His rapid breaths and wet, red eyes still hurt somewhere deep inside me, a place I didn’t even know existed until that night.
For many nights following that night, I heard him screaming, “Go Away!…Go, Go, Leave me alone!” My mom stayed with him all night, but I could never get the courage to go and see the demon myself. I had already seen its glimpse in the eyes of my dying brother, and it was most excruciating. One day I got back from the school and saw a horde of people standing outside my house. I ran inside to find my inconsolable mother. Next to her lay the lifeless body of my baby brother. He had lost the battle. For the demon had finally devoured my little brother!
Sometimes when I am in deep sleep I still hear him cry out my name. I wake up feeling the same pain I felt years ago. You know Ria, pain is a very powerful emotion. It allows you to travel through the various layers under your skin, makes you look beneath your casual, condescending self into your most vulnerable core, a core that you were born with, which is immutable, that never grows with age and remains the same as it was on your first day on earth till the end of your time. As we grow up, we continuously try and hide our core under layers of fancy lies, ego, make believe artifacts culturally planted by those around us, sometimes knowingly and sometimes subconsciously, for the reality is almost always overwhelming. But, pain knows no boundaries and hence it pierces down this hard exterior and barges right into that part of you, which is pure and hence so defenseless. You feel miserable and helpless, yet pain as per my opinion is also a very positive emotion.
Ria, “What? How can you even say that Dad? Pain is the worst feeling ever.”
Dad , “Pain is an indication that deep within yourself, you are not just breathing but you are Alive! Pain can’t be pretended which makes it such a real, deep feeling. Unlike joy, it leaves an imprint on you, as a constant reminder of your endurance, courage and your mental or physical tenacity. We often miss the light at the end of this tunnel because we get so worked up trying to conquer pain. But the trick is to embrace it and surrender yourself to nature. Let Nature take it’s troll while you must allow yourself to be carried with it.”
“Have you ever seen how the beautiful leaves abandon the trees every fall, leaving the poor trees bare naked to face the harsh winters. Throughout the winters, their bare carcass struggle to survive in the cold. Few adamant ones, try and stay upright as if to challenge the cold winds, often bruising themselves more. While, you will see others who will sway with the wind, and would allow themselves to be carried in the direction of the wind, not thinking too much as to they would live to see the next spring or not. For months their zeal is tested by nature, until the spring arrives, and leaves begin to appear again. Ever seen a mother giving birth to a child? It is the most natural phenomenon yet so miraculous. A mother goes through enormous physical pain to create something divine as another living being. That’s the beauty of nature. For nature has it’s own way of replenishing, you only need to surrender to it. It balances the entire ecosystem and also our lives in ways we don’t even know.
But, Pain attracts Fear. Unlike Pain, Fear is a very whimsical emotion. It plays with you, plants vicious ideas into your head, and watches your miserable state from a distance. It is not the pain that keeps you awake on those lonely nights, but an unknown fear that paralyzes your ability to think and reason. I have seen what fear can do to people. Taking from my little brother, Fear is the demon that slowly makes it way in your heart, once inside, it tries and overpowers your senses, to an extent that you will start feeling it’s presence everywhere like a demon that follows wherever you go. Sometimes, we don’t even know how or from where the demon entered our life. Interestingly, everybody has their demons. For example, your mom is scared of water. She would not even step into a kid’s pool for the demon of drowning haunts her. Even the idea of you taking up swimming turned out to be a very long, stretched debate.
Ria, “So, do you also have a demon?”
Dad, “Oh yes, I have a demon. The day I lost my little brother, was the day my demon was born. The fear of losing a loved one is my Demon. Sometimes, the devil is so overwhelming that I get really paranoid when I lose sight of someone close to me.”
Ria smirked and said, “Oh yes, I know that. I still remember how much you scolded me when I was a couple of hours late in coming back from school last year!”
He smiled and nodded, “Yes, you caught me!. It was totally uncalled for the way I reacted. But, it also shows the power of fear and how it drives you crazy.”
“To be honest Ria, lately my demon has revisited me several times in the past few months. When I look at you, I see myself failing to protect you from your inner fears.”
“Always remember, with great pain comes great fear but also comes greater power, and when channeled in the right direction, it often provides some excellent outcomes. For we as humans have a natural ability to rebuild ourselves, no matter how deep the fall was or how shattered your core seems, there always is a narrow road that leads you out of it, that resides deep in your soul. Do you know what we call that road?”
Ria nodded in denial.
“Hope! Hope to see beyond the darkness to a life out of your pain and misery. Hope is the beacon of fire that fuels your dreams, your desires, giving you a purposeful life. Without hope, we are no better than a carcass. No matter what you do in life, keep that hope burning inside you. Feel that warmth deep under your skin, whenever the world around feels cold with fear.”
“So, now you know why I bought you this artificial leg. The hope inside me pushes me to keep the fire inside you alive to achieve what you dream of. And I will keep on making efforts to do it. But in the end, it is your choice whether you want to grow past your fears and face your demon or you want to succumb to them. It is no longer an easy road for you my girl, for you will need to forget your past 12 years and be born again. You will need to learn to walk again, to dance again,but first accept your pain and move on gracefully. Do you think you can do it?”
Ria looked away at the green grass and whispered, “Yeah… I think I CAN.”
