Tales of Insignificant Things
Story 2: Hitting Rock Bottom
There is a moment when you do not recognize yourself anymore. You feel as though all that you do is hollow and that you are “faking it” until you make it. I have only felt it twice before this moment: when I was accused of “doing nothing” and when my dad died. In both those moments, I acted the same way. I was like a zombie. I did what I was supposed to do but I had checked out, in a way. I am good at hiding it. It’s a blind determination, or a blind sadness. I am auto-pilot and only people who really know me can tell that look in my eyes—or rather, they are the only ones who have called me out.
So why does that matter? Because for the past few weeks that is what happened. I was on auto-pilot but good autopilot. It had never happened in that way before. I was never “happy” in that mode. But, I was happy, I felt free. But, somehow, I came back to this low point. Sitting at home, not being able to even get myself to move out of bed. Not even able to motivate myself to do anything. Just sadness.. pure, raw, paralyzing sadness.
All I want to do is cry. All I want to do is cry. People say when you hit rock bottom, that’s when the best fight in your comes out. Right now, my fight is dead. I am burnt out, angry, sad and confused. I am annoyed and pissed at everyone and everything. I have given up on humanity and worst of all, on myself.