Applesauce Monsters

Rupert the Fearless

Once upon a time, which is the way all good stories should start and most of them do, Rupert the Fearless was walking through a thick orchard of apple trees. It was a forest of fruit, and he was truly taken aback at how tightly the trees entwined. It had been a long day of travel, and Horse was trotting. Rupert decided to rest in the orchard that night. He dropped to the soft sod and slid several saddlebags off Horse’s haunches. Then he laid down. The grass was cool, and besides the chirping of crickets and the occasional drop of a ripe apple, Rupert didn’t find any reason to keep from quickly, and fearlessly, surrendering to the sandman.

When he awoke, he found that Horse had given into his apple addiction, and cleaned a handful of trees of all their bounty. Rupert rubbed his eyes and leaned back on his hands, looking at Horse who was standing innocently above him. “Well, you have a problem, but I guess I’m an enabler. Let’s get you out of here.” As he got up, Horse nipped at his thick, unkempt black hair.

As he entered town the next morning, Rupert was surprised at how quiet it was. He passed a blacksmith, a fruit stand, and the town hall with large, dark wooden doors. The blacksmith was hammering out some glowing horseshoes and stopped when Rupert came in, riding Horse. He watched for a moment, then went back to his work, shaking his head. Rupert stopped at the nearest hotel, tied Horse to a post, and walked in.

The hotel was small, with a tight staircase across from a counter with a stone top. He put a gold coin on it, in front of the clerk who was scratching something on a piece of paper. The clerk was a young, fidgety hunchback with straight black hair that fell over his eyes. He took the coin and slid a large brass key across the counter. Rupert polity said “Thanks, friend.” The clerk avoided eye contact, which made Rupert feel like he was talking to a beaten puppy. When Rupert turned to walk away, the man spoke in a soft, hurried way.

“Um, are you going to stay in the hotel here for long, sir?”

Rupert stopped. “Not long. I just need to get some food and things before heading to another place that has a monster problem.”

For an instant, the clerk’s eyes flashed up to Rupert’s. “Oh,” he said. His right pinky finger started to tap the counter wildly. “Well, um…if you, I mean, have some time or maybe, like that sort of thing…be careful of them. Monsters, I mean. They’re…everywhere.” The man shot a glance out of the window.

Rupert leaned against the counter, and he looked out the window too. He saw Horse and when Horse looked back, he shrugged. Turning back to the clerk, he said “Do you have a monster problem? You have giant rats in your basement, or some pesky mountain trolls?”

The clerk shook his head twice very quickly, without looking up. It made his black hair jostle around. “They disappear. People, I mean. They’re gone. I can’t find them.”

“Who? Your hotel visitors? Some friends? They may turn up.”

The man shook his head violently again. Rupert saw a rare, cold fear in his eyes. The type that can paralyze a man. He could barely hear him when the clerk whispered “Everyone.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The clerk’s words weren’t as reassuring as crickets or dropping apples, so Rupert had some difficulty falling asleep that night. He laid on his bed after dark, thinking of Horse in the stable. He thought of the clerk’s fear. He got up, and made another inspection of his room. He checked his locks, his second-story window, and behind and under his furniture. Behind a bookcase he found what looked like a closet door. It was locked from the bedroom side. Rupert sat on the edge of his bed, looked around one last time and went to sleep.

While the bright, red sun was breaking through the windows, Rupert navigated his way around the tight staircase to the first floor. He left his weapons and saddlebags in his room. The sunlight was bathing the counter and the desk behind it, but the clerk wasn’t there. His quill and notes were still on the desk, and since Rupert didn’t know how long he would be in town, he left some money and went on his way to get something from the fruit stand he saw yesterday.

The blacksmith was up early, working on his glowing horseshoes. Ping! Ping! Ping! Rupert stood outside the hotel, looking each way for something that looked like breakfast. He heard a cough. Ping! He glanced at the blacksmith, who was standing straight up and staring intently at Rupert. Then the blacksmith coughed again and moved his head to motion Rupert over to him. Rupert was the obliging type, and maybe the blacksmith might know about food, so he walked over.

The most striking feature of the blacksmith were his incredibly thick fingers and square hands. They looked stuffed, they way the skin almost couldn’t contain them. Holding the hammer and tongs, the ripples of muscle flexed and caught Rupert off guard. “The power behind those hands would be something if ever brought to bear,” he thought. Then he focused on what the sooty-faced, stone-handed man said.

“If you were smart son, you’d leave. People around here aren’t staying put.” The man spoke like a stern father. In fact, he looked very commanding the way he stood with his leather apron and with his deep voice.

Rupert’s sense of trouble was growing. “Someone else mentioned that to me earlier. Isn’t this a good enough town to stay in?”

“It was. Just a few weeks ago, strange things happen at night. People disappearing, with noises and trouble every night. Some say that monsters carry them away.” The blacksmith motioned at the horseshoes on the wall next to him. “You see these? These are my last few sets and I’m leaving. I suggest you do the same.” The blacksmith coughed.

“Hm. That’s sound advice. Thanks, friend. I might stay around for a while yet, but let me know if you need help getting out of town yourself.” As he walked away, the hammer sang again. Ping! Ping! Ping! Rupert had decided to stay and figure this out, but he still needed breakfast.

Across the street, he was happy to see a small boy carrying apples on his back in a large basket. The boy tripped and dropped a few, and Rupert trotted over to help him pick them up. As he helped pick them up, the boy started to sniff. He saw a tear go down the boy’s cheek. Rupert liked kids, although he didn’t always know how to start a conversation. “Hey. How’s it going?” The boy might have been 12, had sandy brown hair, with tan cotton clothes. He shrugged and kept picking up apples.

“What’s your name?”

“Jim.”

“Hey Jim. I’ll give you a coin for an apple.” He pulled out a gold coin that flashed in the sunlight. Jim’s eyes grew wide and while looking at Rupert, he slowly reached up and took the coin, as if Rupert might take it back. He put the coin in his shoe, and then tried desperately to find the very best apples he could. Rupert stood up, and Jim went through almost the entire basket until he stood up to give the knight two practically perfect apples. Then they both got back on the ground again to refill the basket.

Rupert thought that he shouldn’t pry into the boy’s personal life, but with this town so vacant, he thought he might get some information. The basket was halfway full again. “Hey, Jim. Uh, does your Dad work around here? What’s he do?” Jim started to cry. “Oh! Umm…sorry. What’s wrong, Jim?”

The boy spoke shakily, “my Dad’s one of them that’s disappeared.” Jim wiped his eyes with his sleeve. The basket was full. Rupert picked up the last apple and putting it into the basket, he put his other hand on Jim’s shoulder.

“Listen Jim. I’m a knight and I’m here to help you. I’ll find out what’s going on and I’ll work to get your Dad back, alright?”

Jim wiped his eyes again and smiled. “Thanks Mr. Knight. What’s your name?”

Rupert gave the boy’s shoulder a firm pat and then let it go. “Rupert the Fearless.” The boy’s mouth opened and closed a couple times, but finally settled on a sort of open-mouthed smile, and it froze there as he walked off. As Jim was walking away, Rupert looked over the boy’s head at the blacksmith shop. He hadn’t noticed that the hammer sound had stopped. The blacksmith was gone, but his hammer was on the ground next to his anvil.

Rupert spent his day trying to talk to the people he could find. Most of the houses were empty, and the Town Hall doors remained closed and locked. He walked up to the doors, knocked on them twice and the sound echoed in the building. He tried to open the doors with the large brass rings hanging in the middle of them, but they wouldn’t budge. He glanced up slightly before walking back down the steps and murmured, “I doubt a battering ram would do much damage.”

As the sun was going down, Rupert checked on Horse and returned to his room. The coins he placed on the desk that morning were still there, and the clerk’s quill ink had dried. Rupert walked up the stairs slowly while he considered what could cause a town to quit itself so suddenly and completely. Maybe he should go get Jim before something happened to him. He was halfway up the stairs when he heard an animal growl outside. Rupert stopped and listened. He heard shuffling. Scurrying. He hurried up the stairs to his sword and crossbow. There were no more noises in the street below. He placed a bolt in his crossbow and stayed up for a few more hours before he was convinced the animals had gone. He carefully went to sleep.

The next day the town was completely deserted. There was not a whisper of another human being in the town. The blacksmith’s hammer was still on the ground next to his anvil. The coins were still by the clerk’s quill. Curiously, the huge doors of the Town Hall were open. The building itself was empty. Rupert walked down the street defiantly, hoping that whatever was taking people would come for him and he could face it. At least know what “it” was. A sudden shuffling noise brought Rupert back to the situation.

There was some moving wood planks right over there, on the left side. It looked like there was an overturned cart, and something was moving underneath it. It was leaning against the wall of a building, the three wheels spinning slowly in the air. The noise was definitely too big to be a cat. As Rupert approached, he could hear hurried, deep breathing of something big. Rupert drew Tagasi and put the tip underneath the edge of the cart. He made a controlled breath, ready for anything to spring out and…try to eat his hair or something.

His wrist twisted, and he used his sword to push the cart up and away from its resting place at the same time bringing Tagasi back up in a ready position. There, sitting next to an empty basket, looking back at him with wide eyes and his knees pulled up to his chest, was Jim.

“Whew, Jim.” Rupert put his sword away. “Am I glad it’s you.” Jim gave a hidden smile as Rupert looked up and down the empty street. “Well, get up. You’ll be with me until we figure this all out.” Rupert looked back down at Jim, and held his hand out. Jim took it and helped himself up with a surprising grip.

As the day went on, they didn’t find a hint of a person. They went into the orchard, the shops, and a few homes. They settled down on the soft grass in front of a shop, eating a pie that Rupert bought from an invisible attendant. As they sat, Rupert tried to think but he found himself enjoying Jim’s company. They talked about his dad, the village, and the apples that the village was famous for. Jim got to hold Tagasi, and then he watched as Rupert threw it into the air and called its name. The blade magically stopped and dove back into Rupert’s right hand. The knight didn’t even notice that the sun was starting to set until a grotesque snarl came from the alley next to them. *SNARL sound*

Jim jumped up so fast Rupert thought for an instant something bit him. The boy darted behind Rupert, who had Tagasi out, but pointed downward as he leaned forward, examining the shadows. Jim wished Rupert would bring it up in front of them. As the sun painted all the buildings a delicious orange, a repulsive green face emerged from a shadow behind a post. It had one eye much bigger, and higher on its head than the other. Gnarled brown teeth were drooling, and the whole face was topped with matted, dirty orange hair. It was making slurping, bristling noises out of a short throat, coming out crooked from a hunched stubby body. A very well-dressed stubby body. It had a black vest, a brown shirt, with brown pants. It was even wearing shoes.

“Oh, gross!” Rupert said, standing up straight with a disgusted look on his face. “This is what we’ve got? Really?” Jim’s heart was beating so fast and hard, he thought it might explore. He didn’t appreciate Rupert’s calm reaction. He wanted Rupert to slice the thing apart, but Rupert just stood there, calmly considering this hulking, hobbling, thing lurching toward them. He raised his sword to give the thing one mortal slash when Jim yelled “STOP! Wait, Mr. Fearless! Those shoes! Those are the cobbler’s shoes!” They both looked down at the monster’s feet. They were in fact, very nice shoes. In that moment’s hesitation, a few dozen more green gargoyle groupies started to ooze out of the alleys. Then three dozen. All moving slowly while making the unintelligible slurping sounds.

Rupert the Fearless and Jim the Appleboy started to back up with their heads on a swivel. They were everywhere! Coming out of every door! “Where the devil were they hiding?” Rupert thought. “I checked all those places! Wait a minute…” Rupert was frantically spinning around, looking at all the monsters. They were all dressed in proper civilian clothes. Many of them had dresses on. A few of them had clean hats and coats. “Woa!” Rupert was getting the kind of excited he always gets before a fight. “Jim! I think these are the villagers.”

Not much time for thinking as they were coming closer. Rupert shouted, “I have an idea! Come with me, hurry!” He grabbed Jim’s upper arm and brought him a few feet into the air while he bolted toward his second-story hotel room. They were closing in around the hotel entrance. 10 feet. Rupert and Jim were in a dead sprint. 5 feet. The monsters stretched out their arms with broken fingernails, clawing and moaning. 3 feet. Rupert and Jim burst into the hotel and dashed up the stairs. One of the monsters with a pocket watch in its vest was almost at Rupert’s heels. Bloody nuisance was quicker than the rest. Rupert spun around, grabs an apple from somewhere on the stair and knocked the monster out cold with a SPLAT! They threw his door open, almost breaking the hinges, slammed it shut and slid the long wooden plank into place to lock it. BAM! As the moments passed, the groaning got louder as they came up the stairs. Jim looked through a crack in the door panels. “Mr. Fearless! Look at this!”

Rupert looked between the cracks in the door and he saw the monster that he had struck with the apple. Only he wasn’t a monster now. He was writhing and squirming, and changing back into a tall, fat villager! The pocket watch that was on a chain had worked its way out of the vest, and was dangling over his belly. “It’s the banker!” yelled Jim. Rupert gave a violent and unexpected “Ha Ha!” Threw the door open, bolted to the banker, and started pulling him by the ankle into the room. There were two monsters on either side of Rupert, and he delivered a solid knock on each of their heads with the butt of his sword. CLONK! CLONK! They fell, clutching the tops of their skulls. Rupert slid the banker back into the room and Jim slammed the door and locked it.

“Keep your eye on the two in the hallway, Jim!” Rupert commanded. Jim peeked through the cracks again and jumped back. “Aaa! Still monsters!” Rupert was slapping the banker’s face, who was quickly becoming ruddy and waking up with choking gasps. Then Rupert jumped up, peeked through the cracks and saw the two monsters he head-spanked. They were still monsters, but had nasty bumps visible in their orange hair. “Drat!” said Rupert. “I thought for sure…” Then he saw a bowl of apples on his nightstand. He jumped over the banker, grabbed an apple, and jumped back over to the door. The door was jostling with bodies pounding against it. To Jim’s surprise, Rupert planted his foot, unbolted the door, and opened the door just enough to let some orange hair show from the other side. SPLAT! Rupert slapped an apple onto an orange head. The monster immediately fell to the ground and starting changing back into a short, young village woman. “Wooo hoo!” Rupert raised a fist, then extended an open hand. “Jim! Apple me!” Jim was at the window, looking down. “Uh…..Mr. Fearless?”

With knightly strength, Rupert held the door, dragged the women in by the wrist, and then leaned into the door with a grunt until he could bolt it. The woman started to cough and sit up. The banker was standing now, wide eyed and fidgety. Rupert bounded to the window and stood next to Jim, looking down. There were hundreds of well-dressed weirdos piling up, trying to access the window. “Hm.” Rupert said with eyebrows raised. He and Jim looked at each other. “Hand me that bowl.” Jim handed him the bowl of 3 apples. Rupert held one, carefully taking aim and dropped it on the head of the closest monster. It went unconscious, started writhing, and sank to the bottom of the pile taking a few more with him. They did it two more times and were out of apples.

“Great.” Blubbered the banker. “We’re out of ammunition!”

The woman chirped “We can’t be out of apples! We are the apple village!” She had wild, bulging eyes.

“Help me with this!” barked Rupert. He jumped over to his dresser, moved it out of the way, with the help of the other two. Rupert exposed the locked door, and broke the lock with Tagasi. There were dark stairs leading down to cellar full of apples. Four faces looked down the stairs, and strangely they all shouted “Jackpot!”

The next eight hours saw Rupert and his three impromptu sidekicks throwing apples out the window, and smashing apples against monster heads as they were exposed through the weakening door. When a monster smashed a hole into the door, it gave a port for Jim to throw apples. After about two hours of the experience, they were joined by a dozen or so more villagers in Rupert’s room and they began yelling “Applesauce!” every time they successfully hit a monster. Eventually they had more villagers than monsters. Then the sun started to rise.

Everyone started to cheer. There were still some villagers out cold in the street, but they were villagers. Rupert was smiling and patting Jim on the shoulder until he saw one last Quasimodo lurching towards the forest. He was far out of range to throw an apple. Drat! “Hand me the crossbow, Jim.” Rupert gauged the wind, and broke a bolt in half. He took one last apple, and smashed the broken bolt into the apple, then slid it into the crossbow. The monster was almost to the woods now…just a few steps left until it was gone forever. Rupert squinted at the rising sun, and raised his crossbow. He sent the apple arrow soaring into the air with a TWANG!

Up and up and flew, then down and down in a graceful apple-heavy arch. The monster had its hand out to touch the first tree of the forest when SPLAT! It was hit in the head with a ripe apple and spun around and fell on its right shoulder. “Applesauce!” shouted Rupert. Jim watched the final monster until it was completely changed back into a villager. “It’s my dad!” Jim yelled, and he pushed and shoved his way out the hotel and ran until he could reach the man who was rubbing his head and looking around confused at the edge of the forest.

As the sun was fully illuminating the town, Rupert looked around at all the villagers cheering and slapping each other on their backs. He saw the hunchback clerk and the blacksmith. He looked out at Jim and his dad. He sat on the floor with his back against his bed, next to the fat banker who was wiping his head with a handkerchief. Rupert picked up a couple loose apples and offered one to the banker. The banker looked at it for a moment, then with an ironic chuckle, took it.

“How could a thing like this happen?” The banker said, slowly chewing.

“Well,” Rupert said thoughtfully with a mouthful of apple, “this is a classic case of misused magic. Someone probably wanted to make themselves look better and got it wrong, and turned into a monster instead of a beauty.” He took another bite, savoring the juice.

The banker was quiet and very, very pale. He seemed to be sweating more.

“Yup,” Rupert went on. “It gets contagious like this when you have an amateur with a half-baked spell book.” Rupert leaned his head over and looked at the banker carelessly. “So listen to me, friend…”

The banker was looking at the floor, but glanced up slightly to look at Rupert.

“… leave the magic to the professionals.” The banker nodded slowely, looking back at the ground. Rupert reached over with his apple, tapping the banker’s apple gently and said “Cheers.” They both smiled and took a big bite, happy to hear the sounds of people again.