The Monster — Episode 1

This anger eats at me. The world spins on and on while I try to keep up with the damn spinning until I fall on my face dizzy and salivating from nausea. It makes no sense to me that I should be singled out for a life full of failure after damn failure. I reach out to the slipstream of life, I join the rat race, but time and time again I am thrown out on my ass.

Sitting here tonight while my wife watches some Nicholas Sparks movie where everyone falls in love until someone dies or almost dies or hell sometimes everyone fucking dies. Even in their inevitable rush to a final conclusion the characters are happy and living life.

Life continues to elude me.

The type of life I long for with every fiber in my being, it is an ache I feel deep within my stomach and a scream that sticks in my throat as the emotion bubbles over until finally it is released in a steam of anger.

Yes I’m angry, I’m damn angry. Also hurt, hopeful, dismayed, and in pain from some sort of internal growing pains.

I’ve been told more times than I can count that I should write the story of my life. That thought scares me. It scares me in the way that showing up to work with no pants on would be scary. So much time and effort has been put into keeping my scars hidden from a naive world that wants to deny that it creates its own monsters.

That’s the ledge I stand on everyday. The difference between monster and man, descending into madness or standing my ground. This hateful game of tug of war going on inside me. Darkness creeps into me like a cold mist and it is only at the last second that the light pushes it away. That light grows ever weaker, its batteries running out from a lifetime of overuse.

No one knows that this pressure is building like a tea kettle that has sat on the stove too long. I’m whistling….. Whistling….. Whistling. ….

I’m a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout.

Hello! This is part one of a multi-part fiction story. I hope you will follow along and please click that little green heart, its a huge help!