Clients are big babies
Yogurt isn’t a hat is something I never thought I’d say. But recently I found myself arguing with a screaming toddler, explaining that you can’t wear dairy. At least not after labor day.
I do what most parents do after a wild tantrum and Google like mad. Any article about pacifying a toddler will do. Most recently I read A Field Guide to Taming Tantrums in Toddlers in the New York Times and afterward had an epiphany: I use these same techniques on clients.
Now this isn’t one of those articles where you wonder if the author is for or against their subject. The truth is we’re all big babies, and most adults are children. We melt down when hungry or snip at a partner when tired. HANGRY is the adult version of a tantrum. And believing you’re so emotionally intelligent that this couldn’t possibly apply to you is only a sign of how wrong you are.
So I want to share a few strategies I learned from parenthood that also apply to clients. I’ll get a little help along the way from Paul L. Underwood, the author of the Times article.
This is normal
In an ideal world, clients would be perfectly agreeable and trusting. They would take our creative advice without fuss or disagreement, making for a smooth project every time. They’d refer us to everyone they know, too.
However far from reality this may seem, the truth is working and being cranky go hand in hand.
In business you will work with people who, like toddlers, are frustrated, can’t express themselves, and aren’t in control. As Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., a neuropsychiatrist, and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., a psychotherapist, wrote in their book, The Whole-Brain Child:
“Toddlers haven’t mastered the ability to use logic and words to express their feelings, and they live their lives completely in the moment.”
Completely normal for toddlers and clients alike.
Stay calm
I recall a particularly uncomfortable conversation between a client, a coworker, and myself. My project partner and I were explaining our creative point of view when the client steered the conversation to the low road of insult and pettiness. The client said something he shouldn’t. My coworker said something he shouldn’t. And the whole thing went to hell.
The aim is to stay calm, even if the client doesn’t.
In the Times article, Underwood spoke with Dr. Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of The Tantrum Survival Guide. She had these wise words to say:
“Your goal is to reset the temperature. Not take it and respond to it.”
Give options
When we’re upset, one of the oldest parts of the brain switches on. The amygdala is a component of the limbic system, believed to play an important role in emotion and behavior, as well as processing fear. You can blame it for road rage and panic attacks.
Understanding the amygdala is one thing, controlling it is quite another.
I’ve learned to give options as a way to downshift this part of my toddler’s brain. It helps guide him away from reactivity to the calmer waters of the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain associated with decision making and moderating social behaviour.
I’ve seen it work with clients too. When faced with a client who doesn’t want to play nice, try activating the upstairs brain (Siegel and Bryson’s terminology, not mine) with questions and critical thinking. Not only will this make for a more peaceful conversation, it will be a source of useful and productive information.
Get them involved
Ok it’s bath time. The rubber ducky is in the water. The water is in the tub. But my son’s nowhere to be found. Rather than battling a naked flailing toddler, I find it’s best to give him a job on the way to bathtime. This can be fetching a towel or getting his pajamas prepped for ni-night. Although not backed by science or psychology, I’ve seen it work.
The underlying concept is simple: it’s really hard to be mad when you’re the boss.
Same goes for clients. Like the previous tip, it helps to get a client involved by asking questions and helping them understand they’re part of the process. When a client is integrated into the decision making, they are more invested and agreeable because our decisions are their decisions.
Patience
Patience is perhaps the hardest and most useful skill I’ve learned as a parent. It is a tough lesson to learn because patience is required in minutes and years. It is needed for a diaper change as well as long-term developmental growth.
But time is more precious in the business world. It’s one of the things we hear most when talking to a potential client: we’re in a hurry.
It is possible to steal bits of time during a project. This could be refraining from sending an email until the end of the day or pushing a meeting. You’d be amazed what can happen when you let time work its slow wonder.
Now even though all squares are rectangles, not all rectangles are squares. Rarely do we have to play the parental role and use such tactics because our clients are perfect little angels most of the time. And when we do have to be the adult in the room, as they say, it is because we want to help. Not because we want them to go the fuck to sleep.
