Sowing crazy seeds: Finding good (and bad) names in social isolation
We’re holed up at home per Solano County’s “shelter at home” order. To be clear this is not a COVID-19 piece. This is about me finding peace, and some decent names while stuck at home trying to live a somewhat normal life.
My partner and I have built planter boxes in preparation for the growing season (which might become sustenance farming if the world falls apart.) We’ve been reviewing a seed catalog to select what we want to grow and we started laughing at some of the names we found. We went through the entire catalog and we found some great names, some entertaining but not amazing names, and a few that fell short. (We’ve been looking at Renee’s Garden because they have charming illustrations of the plants instead of outdated and blurry photos like some other seed companies.)
We’ll start with the bad names, which may be entertaining or odd, but they didn’t increase our chances of buying the seeds. The names in the neutral category were unusual or funny, but they fell short of being great. The names in the good category made us laugh and made us want to purchase them on name alone.
The Bad Names
Container Lettuce Garden Babies Butterhead: I know some babies are cute and some aren’t but naming these babies Butterheads feels a little cruel.
Heirloom Cutting Lettuce Flashy Trout Back: No matter how pretty this lettuce is, and it is very pretty, I’m certain we could come up with a more appetizing description than “Flashy Trout Back.” Yeesh.
Pointed Sweetheart Cabbage Conehead: First you call me “Sweetheart” and then you call me “Conehead.” I’m out of this toxic relationship.
The Neutral Names
Cauliflower Amazing Taste: Show me, don’t tell me how amazing the taste is.
Rainbow Chard Bright Lights: Tell me more about those Bright Lights and what goes on where they shine. Is there dancing?
The Good Names
Bush Bean Castandel The “Weekend Bean”: I love a good bean and I love weekends. I never knew I needed a weekend bean. I’ll be sure to offer it a beer after we do some chores together.
Sweet Early Corn Casino: Casinos are awful, but a Corn Casino sounds pretty great. I can smell the grilled corn and hear the honky tonk and chickin’ pickin’ music from here.
Main Crop Broccoli Bravado: In these trying times we need bravado, we need heroes, and why not let broccoli rise to the occasion? Do they come with capes or do we provide our own?
Snap Peas Sugar Daddy: While the markets are down I’ll take
any extra sugar that’s being offered.
Longstanding Spinach Gangbusters: They sound like a gang of octogenarian farmers who know the secret of longevity. And spinach.
Crisphead Lettuce Queen of Crunch: For those about to crunch, we salute (and bow down to) you.
English Parsnips Gladiator: Does the English Parsnips Gladiator entertain the Crisphead Lettuce Queen of Crunch in her royal garden arena? I hope so, I could use more gladiatorial sport in my backyard.
It’s nice to find good naming in unexpected places, especially when I have no option but to be at home — looking for any way to break the monotony.
Kudos to Renee’s Garden or whomever named these plants. You’ve made our day a little better. We’ll be sure to let you all know what we end up planting.
