The Man
(fiction, inspired by a true story)
“If I could change, I would… take back the blame, I would… retrace every wrong move that I made, I would… if I could stand up and take the blame, I would… if I could take all my shame to the grave, I would…”
Linkin Park sings into my ears as I ride the subway across town. No particular destination. Just away. Away from it all. My head foggy… my eyes fuzzy from the super sized cocktail of pills and booze I consumed before dragging myself from the floor and hurling myself into the city streets to find somewhere better to get this done and get it done right. The cocktail isn’t working fast enough. I am still awake… and I can still feel the pain.
“It’s easier to run…”
See… Linkin Park is feeling me here. It is! It is much easier to run! Being here is too hard. Too many people wanting a piece of me. Pieces I can’t give. But they still want them. And even when I give them what they want, they want more… and more. And they have the nerve to criticize as they take. Well… let me clarify… She likes to criticize as she takes.
She took everything from me. My heart… my soul… my fucking manhood, for Christ’s sake! Skinned me to the bone. Made me a shell of the man I am and yet… I still love her… ache for her… I would die for her. Ironically, that’s what I am on my way to do… but not completely for her.
“Replacing this pain with something numb…”
I am useless. A waste of good air and space on this earth. A colossal disappointment to all who know me. I’m so tired of letting everyone down. I’m just tired of life. I’m tired of it all.
“Next stop… The Bridge”
The bridge! Perfect! Thank you, Mr. Conductor!
The bridge is where it began. Where we decided that our years of friendship needed to end and a lifetime of love should begin. It’s perfect. The most perfectly poetic place for it all to end… at the beginning. Where all of the beauty and source of my life started and now will end. She took my life from me. She told me how to walk in public. How to address her properly when speaking to her in mixed company (you know, so nobody would catch on that we are sleeping together). How to hold my fork like someone who has been taught proper table manners. (I believe she secretly resists the urge to cut my food for me.) How to type on a keyboard without clicking so loudly. What projects I should and should not accept. What my worth is. Without her, it is clear that I don’t know how to live.
“It’s easier to go…than face all this pain here all alone…”
Go? Yeah, I thought about that too, Linkin Park, but go where? I’d only end up in the same predicament… the same mound of spineless disappointment… just in a new city. Still pissing people off. Still broke. Still not able to take care of my son. Still in love with her and still willing to risk the verbal and emotional abuse for the slightest touch of her skin or scent of her hair. Just a smile would even be worth it. I can almost smell her perfume as the cold January wind blows pre-dawn frost against my face.
It’s time.
The bridge. Empty. Frozen. Absolutely apropos, until…
The man.
I’m not alone anymore. There’s this man. Tell, me… who the hell takes a stroll on an icy bridge at this hour except for someone who plans to off himself? Apparently, this guy.
He’s walking. Too slow for this weather, in my opinion. But he’s walking.
Keep walking…
keep walking…
keep walking…
And… he’s passing.
He’s still walking…
keep walking…
keep walking…
(sigh) Good.
Shall we have one more go-round, Linkin Park? Yes! You are the only ones who understand me right now. I would appreciate you singing me to sleep…
“If I could change, I would… take back the blame, I would… retrace every wrong move that I made, I would… if I could stand up and take the blame, I would… I would take all my shame to the grave…”
Just as I begin to close my eyes and want to lean forward, I see him!
The man! He’s back! He’s walking back this way!
Sing louder, Linkin Park! Please! I don’t care anymore! I will drown out his presence with your words…
“It’s easier to run… replacing this pain with something numb…”
He’s closer…
“It’s easier to go… than face all this pain here all alone…”
He’s standing there…. no more than ten feet away… in the same position looking out over the frozen river… just like me.
I refuse to turn my head and look at him. I pretend not to see him.
But I do see him… and he sees me.
He’s waiting for me to do it. Is it because he wants to do it too? If I go, he goes?
He knows.
He knows.
For a second, I don’t realize how the tears have frozen on my face. It cracks when I finally blink and turn my head to see this man.
He turns to look at me.
He simply nods… then his lips move.
I don’t hear what he says because I’m trying to listen to Linkin Park validate why I’m in a partially inebriated coma and freezing my ass off on this bridge.
But I know what he said.
He said…
Your place is here… and it’s not your time, my friend.
(This piece was inspired by hearing “Easier to Run” by Linkin Park minutes after convincing a good friend of mine that he had a lot live for. This is not exactly how it all went down…but it could have…)