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You Will Always Remember The Day You Almost Leaked Classified Information

Did Donald Trump leak Pirates of the Caribbean 5, too? Probably not, but someone did.

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Forget about what may or may not have been said to some Russians in the Oval Office last week, as we’ve got a real problem on our hands. Hackers have reportedly stolen, nay, Pirated, a copy of Disney’s upcoming summer blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and are now attempting to hold it for ransom.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, the hackers claim to have relieved Disney of a copy of the film and have demanded “an enormous amount of money” in the form of a Bitcoin payment. To its credit, Disney has reportedly refused to pay the ransom and is currently working with the FBI. Luckily the FBI doesn’t have a whole lot else going on right now, so this should be resolved in plenty of time for Captain Jack Sparrow to return to cinemas next Friday.

Here’s what these pirates of Pirates have overestimated:

  1. How little anyone who knows how to use BitTorrent probably cares about the next Pirates movie. Seriously, my grandparents will see the film in theaters because they remember a time before Johnny Depp was awful. There’s no way they’re going to download it illegally.
  2. Disney’s willingness to pay them off, which would set a dangerous precedent for the future. Hollywood does not negotiate with terrorists. Did they not see Tropic Thunder?
  3. Our government is not great at a lot of things, but they are very good at finding and prosecuting 12-year olds who downloaded a bunch of bootlegged music in the 90s. So the likelihood that they will jump to protect the IP of one of the 30 largest companies in America is high.

As we’ve said on this site in the past, piracy is wrong. Even piracy that allows us to make jokes about how pirates pirated the latest Pirates movie is wrong. What’s worse is online thieves who attempt to ransom a movie no one cares about back to a studio that literally prints its own money with Dumbo’s face on it. We’re living in the age of idiocy, from the top on down.


Today in Pop Culture History

The first Academy Awards were held on this day in 1929. Wings won Best Picture.

Megan Fox was born 31 years ago today, while Pierce Brosnan was born 64 years ago. By Hollywood standards, they should now star in a romantic comedy together.

Top Gun debuted on this day in 1986. It was a breakout hit for producer Jerry Bruckheimer, who would go on to produce the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.


What You Need to Know Today

Zack Snyder has confirmed the development of Wonder Woman 2. In related news, water still wet and ice still cold.

After 6 seasons, CBS has finally canceled the Kat Dennings-led show, 2 Broke Girls. Elsewhere, NBC has uncancelled its time travel show Timeless and Fox renewed The Exorcist.

Claire Foy, the star of Netflix’s The Crown, is reportedly the frontrunner to play Lisbeth Salander in Fede Alvarez’s The Girl in the Spider’s Web, the follow-up to David Fincher’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo remake.

Two new documentaries, one about Ingmar Bergman and another about Orson Welles, have been announced for tentative 2018 releases.


ICYMI

Our own H. Perry Horton has begun a week of Twin Peaks content with a definitive video guide to the series. Stay tuned for more, including damn fine cups of coffee.

The Cannes Film Festival gets underway this week, which led us to string together a list of movies you didn’t know (or don’t remember) premiered at Cannes.

Yesterday we featured two short films from Alexi Wasser, whose podcast “Love Alexi” is one of my own personal favorites.


Shot of the Day

This morning I’m feeling the side effects of working out yesterday for the first time in a long time. In this shot from Steven Soderbergh’s 2013 film, Rooney Mara is feeling Side Effects from something slightly different.