4 Tips to Get Your Partner Excited About FIRE
During my time in the FIRE community, I’ve heard countless people asking some variation of the same question:
“I just learned about FIRE and am pumped, but my partner isn’t on board. How do I help them see what I’m seeing?”
Getting your partner on board is an essential element in your FIRE success and a significant hurdle many have to overcome. As someone who personally went through this experience, successfully convincing my wife that pursuing FIRE would be a massive benefit to our lives,* I’ve got a few thoughts on how you should and shouldn’t approach the situation.
1. Understand what motivates them first.
Before you can get your partner on board with FIRE, you need to understand what could motivate them to pursue such a radical but worthwhile lifestyle shift.
There are many different ways to uncover their unique motivations, from simply having a conversation about what financial freedom could mean for them to asking them George Kinder’s three questions for life planning.
However you approach it, it’s essential to let your ears do the work rather than your mouth. Do your best to listen to what your partner says when you ask what financial freedom could mean for them. Truly listen, paraphrase back what you heard to help find clarity, and let them tell you what could be in it for them.
Also, remember that there are no right or wrong motivations. You may want financial freedom so you can travel the world and not have to worry about asking for days off, and that’s great. But for your partner, they may be more interested in having the ability to buy presents without thinking twice or possibly having the ability to spend more time with family. Whatever the case may be, do your best to avoid judgment or falling into the trap of thinking specific reasons are better than others. Think: not better, just different.
In addition, keep in mind that you and your partner’s motivations for pursuing FIRE are sure to shift and evolve over time, and that’s OK. Life is constantly changing, and our interests and motivations change along with it. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it should be expected and embraced.
2. Lead with the “why” rather than the “how.”
Once you’ve discovered what could motivate your partner to pursue FIRE, lead with that.
So rather than saying,
“Hey, I think we should start saving 50% of our income, and the way we can do that is by getting rid of our second car, putting the majority of your paycheck into your 401(k), and getting on a more structured budget.”
Try this instead:
“Hey, I really loved our conversation about financial independence and what that could mean for our lives. I want us to be able to spend more time with family and travel during the summers too, and I really think this could allow us to do that. Is that something you’d be interested in exploring with me?”
The first approach focuses purely on the mechanics, the nuts and bolts of how you’ll reach FIRE, while the second centers the conversation around what FIRE could do for your lives, tying in yours and your partner’s “why,” which are the most critical aspects of this entire journey.
If you’re reading this, keep in mind that you’re probably like me and enjoy nerding out on personal finance to some degree or all the degrees. This means you’re at a higher risk of leading with the “super exciting” mechanics of how you’ll get there because you really do find that exciting. Just remember that you are a rare breed, my friend. Your partner probably doesn’t share your same excitement for the nuts and bolts, so do your best to approach the conversation from an angle that will interest them.
3. Be upfront about the sacrifices.
“Nothing worth having comes easy.”— Theodore Roosevelt
There’s no sugarcoating it — the path to FIRE is not easy, and it’s essential to help your partner understand that. Many people in the FIRE movement are saving 50% or more of their income and have made fairly significant lifestyle changes to get them there.
It is not for the faint of heart, and you will need to make some changes in your life, but boy, is the juice worth the squeeze! Help your partner understand what types of changes the two of you should expect, discuss whether those changes will be a good fit or not, and always do your best to tie it back to what the two of you will be gaining — freedom over your time.
You want to toe a fine line between focusing on the results that FIRE can bring to you and your partner’s life and embracing the fact that it will be challenging, and you should expect some discomfort along the way. These conversations will help you and your partner manage your expectations and avoid unwanted surprises on your FIRE journey together
4. Hold space for your partner.
You might be like me and are willing to jump in headfirst when you hear a good idea, and that’s awesome. But your partner might not be the same. It could take some time to help them see what you’re seeing, and your job is to hold space for them to have that realization on their time.
The last thing you want to do is force it and have your partner become disgusted with the whole idea of FIRE, classifying it as something “they don’t like, and you won’t stop pushing.”
Remember that everyone is different. Some people are more open to change and progressive ideas, while others put a lot of weight on traditional ideas and doing things “the way they’ve always been done.” Again, try to remember that there’s no right or wrong, just different ways of being. Your partner might need to weigh the pros and cons of FIRE for a lot longer than you did before they decide they want in, and your job is to allow space for them to do just that.
In the end, my guess is that if you seek to understand your partner first, talk about what FIRE could mean for the two of you, be honest with them about the sacrifices, and hold space for them to come around, you will be on your journey to fire — with your partner — in no time.
*To my wife’s credit, she was very open to the idea after we had a series of discussions about what FIRE could mean for our lives.
