Humans of Finch: Meet Pauline
In this volume of Humans of Finch, Pauline tells us how she managed her grief after losing her partner.
In this series, folks from all walks of life will be sharing their stories. We hope to build a community where we can see that there are others like us out there, where we can remember that we are not alone, and where we can find some strength and inspiration.
My partner passed away last year and my life got turned all upside down. I’m no stranger to grief: I lost my mom when I was 8. But the grief of losing my partner was on another level.
It took seven long weeks after his passing before we were able to have the funeral, and having to wait all that time to give him a proper farewell took such a toll on me. Another week passed, and I decided I needed to go back to work and get on with my life, even though I wasn’t sure I was ready.
It wasn’t easy. I thought to myself, it’s been enough time, you should be over this, go back, put your head down and be successful. But it was too difficult for me. I didn’t know how to manage my grief, and I wasn’t getting support from my bosses and couldn’t keep up with their expectations. I felt like a failure and a fraud.
On top of that, I was told not to speak about my grief or my mental health at work, despite working for the National Health Service. So that’s a good healthy environment, you know?
I tried advocating for myself, asking my boss: “do you understand the pressure you’re personally putting me under? I could take my life.” But nothing changed.
Time passed and I got into a routine, though it wasn’t super healthy or sustainable. I was barely scraping by. But eventually I decided enough was enough, and I decided to take the situation into my own hands.
Since I had no mental health support at work, I did everything I could: downloaded too many apps, bought tons of books on Amazon, and searched every corner of the world wide web for grief support.
I found some helpful resources and I started working on the basics for my self-care. I focused on drinking water, managing eating, doing my nails or a face pack. Things started to improve. My creative side started coming back and I began drawing, doing arts and crafts, and other bits and bobs to help me find the balance I need. I felt like I was finally on track!
Since I was starting to get a wee bit of life back, I decided to meet up with some friends. But when I was getting ready to go out, I fell down the stairs, badly damaged my head, broke my wrist, and needed emergency surgery.
It was the worst possible scenario I could’ve imagined. I couldn’t work, I was injured, and my partner wasn’t around anymore to help me. I felt a lot of despair immediately after. What was I going to do?
It took some time, but the way I see it now, the fall was a blessing in disguise. It forced me to get out of an unhealthy job that I would have never gotten out of any other way. It gave me the time and space I needed to really take care of myself. I started working on the basics for my self-care again, re-building the foundations for my mental and physical health.
I’m not quite ready to go back to work yet and I’m not sure what it’s going to take to be ready. But I’m grateful to be taking some time to explore and get my head a wee bit sorted. I’m at a crossroads, and I’m optimistic that I’m going in the right direction.
A big thank you to Pauline for sharing her story! Your vulnerability and hope means a lot to all of us.
If you are interested in sharing your story for a future edition, please share your information here. If you have feedback or ideas for us, please reach out to us at humans-of-finch@befinch.com.
