Don’t Be Afraid to Run in the Dark

For the last few months I’ve been struggling to find my “thing”. The thing that really lights me up, the thing that I would be happy doing, the thing that makes me happy.

Last year ended with a smack in the face and I mean that literally. Me tripping and smacking right into the pavement face first. It wasn’t pretty. But it certainly was a metaphor for everything else going on in my life.

A little tip for you, don’t go running to meet the sunrise if you have to run in the dark to get there. I regret not listening to my inner-self. The one that was trying to tell me not to run in the dark. The one that tried to warn me that running on the treadmill is a much safer plan.

I didn’t listen. Instead I face planted on the asphalt. Bruised face and ego all at the same time. Did I mention it was the perfect metaphor for how the year ended?

It was.

I tried to recover. I talked with people. I explained my position. I even assigned three motivational words for the new year. I wrote them on my blog and posted them on instagram to make them that more real.

Flourish. Sustainability. Nurturing.

Progress has been slower than the 405 freeway during rush hour. I wasn’t flourishing. I wasn’t sustaining. I wasn’t nurturing.

I was settling. My bruised body and soul were hurting.

The physical scars are fading with the help of vitamins and creams, but the emotional scars…

I’m afraid to run in the dark. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of getting pushed. I’m afraid of falling again. I’m afraid that if I do fall I won’t be able to get back up.

I’ve been afraid for a long time. Every time I think about running in the dark my inner-self throws up a stop sign. I could smack right into the asphalt again. Only this time it could be worse. It has happened once, it happened twice, and it will happen again.

But today is different. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to run in the dark. Because the only way to see the best sunrise is to run uphill in the dark. (This time I’ll be sure to bring a flashlight).

This is week 5 of the 52-week writing challenge.