Lesson 4: Community Is The Life-Blood Of The Lonely
Written by Amira Aleem
Over five years ago, Andy became a widower, an event that took a huge toll on him both physically and emotionally. During his first experience in Bali, soon after his wife’s suicide, Andy spent a large portion of his time by himself, something he mentions not minding very much. But as the years progressed, he found himself drawn more to the idea of a stable community that supports and celebrates each other.
Bringing people together around a cause is something that Andy is both exceptionally talented at, and that comes naturally to him. Only last summer, Andy took part in Escape the City’s start-up accelerator, a programme to help 30 people test business ideas over 12 weeks.
He describes the community in the classroom as the real benefit of the programme, and that was the impetus to work on his paddle business idea more diligently than any of the other ideas that he had. He admits that watching others launch businesses over the previous two years and finding their way in life has made him turn around and question his own path.
“I often felt like I was playing catch-up.”
In 2013, Andy was working full-time at a demanding day job, often working from 8am to 8pm leading a software-development project, all the while dealing with the devastating loss of his wife and coming to terms with her suicide.
To deal with the loneliness and the pressure, Andy began turning to alcohol.
He went from drinking beer as he always had, to drinking every day often hard alcohol like whisky and sometimes straight out of the bottle. Although on the surface Andy was handling complex projects at work, the reality was that there was a huge amount of strain under the surface.
He recalls an incident that happened in Bali at the end of 2015, where Andy was in a late-night motor scooter accident that injured him, the day before New Year. In the local hospital in Ubud, the doctors recommended a double operation on his shoulder and his foot.
He was faced with the decision of whether he should have the operation while in Bali, or fly to England. In the end, Andy had the operation in Bali, only because he knew that he would have the support and people to care for him in the days after the operation. In London, he would have been on his own.
It was a moment that made it clear that so many of his decisions were based on the need for a community, the feeling of being wholeheartedly supported and looked after.
The situation is symptomatic of a larger problem in society, Andy suggests. One where finding support is increasingly difficult. People have often suggested counsellors and psychotherapists off-hand as though consulting a professional in itself would work as a magic cure-all.
In the past, in the months after his wife’s death when Andy was regularly seeing a counsellor, he remembers emerged from sessions in floods of tears and feeling absolutely terrible about himself. Ordinary, everyday people like friends and family had shied away from offering support, instead pointing him towards professional services.
But communities have had the power to transform that feeling through support and engagement. He now runs a paddle group in London, a small community of outdoor enthusiasts who meet up to paddle in rivers around London and the Cotswolds.
When Andy speaks of the group he points out how a simple activity shared with people gives him such joy. “It’s something I’m really proud of,” he says.
Andy now has little pockets of community like his regular paddle group and his current role at Investec, which have sustained him, providing much needed social support in London’s otherwise relative isolation. Andy is an extrovert.
He makes plans, and is proactive about being involved in events and yet he struggles with crippling loneliness in a city like London, which is full of millions of people. “It must be so difficult for so many other people who are less sociable,” he says.
Something he has found in the last few years is that old friends who don’t judge you can be remarkably effective. It’s a feeling he likens to time in Bali and more recently with his community at Escape the City.
“Actually just being around people who care about you is a hell of a lot more powerful than having to outsource your well-being to professionals.”
Community Is The Life-Blood Of The Lonely (by Andy McLean)
‘Community’ is a much-used word these days with many groups and organisations using that expression in their work. For me, ‘community’ is a much deeper, more significant experience.
I’ve found that community is where people come forward to listen and care, rather than the many people that dish out advice despite knowing little about what is really going on, and then seemingly disappear as if they were seagulls. Community recognises the needs of lonely people like me, and its members take active steps to improve the situation.
Thank you for reading this part of Andy’s story. My writing work can be found here: https://medium.com/@amiraaleem.
