fearless emotions — take 2!

Much like Saturday morning, emotions found me when waking up — I felt frustrated and the question that played over and over in my head was “what is going on??”

What is going on? I have been so strong for 2 months! I have had this over powering energy and I have been running full force into the light of my own path — what is going on!!?? Why are these emotions showing up out of nowhere?

I moved through it this morning, and I also felt okay into the day. Driving to my session later on, I felt a little something stirring, but I felt stronger (or was I trying too hard to play the act of being too strong?)

I walked into session; put my bag down on the chair closest to the door, and the FLOOD CAME!! Reached over for my therapist and out came the tears, the words, and all the emotions that were sitting at the surface since my last face to face with my emotions.

The emotions that came on; barely made it past me shutting the door behind me! Everything was there — except the FEAR!

The fear of the emotions had no part in my entrance what’s-so-ever! I cried almost the whole session standing! Words were coming out of my mouth that I didn’t even realize hurt so much inside. I guess that’s what happens when the Vail of fear is lifted — take 2!

Words that came out were about the sadness of my mom being back in the hospital and that I am having a hard time caring or having empathy to call her, which I have not done yet, and I dont understand why I am not caring, but it’s making me SO sad!

Words like “I am truly understanding my story in a whole, and realizing how much it hurts to open wounds and close them with truth” Words like “I am sad, and I want to be as strong as I have been in the past 2 months”. The words kept coming and coming!

Fear? what fear?

No matter how hard I tried to gather myself and be strong, it brought me down again! Crying in my sadness! The fearless emotions were not leaving me anytime soon!

I felt weak, but in a small way felt strong. I allowed myself support, I allowed my words to be heard, I allowed myself to be seen and heard at the same time, and I allowed myself to HEAR the words I was saying! I allowed myself to accept how I felt.

Before leaving session, I was still crying! I had to be somewhere at 6pm, and needed to leave. It’s very rare I leave crying out the door! I am always so gathered and put together! I leave with high optimism and most of the time I leave with a strong stance — but not today.

Before leaving I said “I hate you sometimes” with a chuckle while still crying!! Meaning (him helping me to see and feel my emotions in this healing), and he said “hate me all you want, it’s worth it!!” That gave me a little bit of laughter, but not enough to let go of what was still stirring inside.

I left crying to my car, crying in the car, crying on my way to my Doctor’s appointment — and suddenly I saw the sun hitting the trees between two building, and the light was just right. The way the lighting was, it gave me this feeling of “okay-ness” — I knew in that moment I made more room inside my soul yet again.

I had this feeling of power that I have never felt before. It felt as if I just closed another wound, but this time it was the wound of FEAR. One of my biggest wounds, (fear of emotions). Today, just like last Tuesday, even more so, it showed up! Fear was nowhere to be found!

I don’t think I ever felt emotions like I did today, and in a strange way? It felt good. It felt good to let out the words and hear myself say “I am sad”, “I am sad that my mom will never be the mom I need”, or hearing the words how sad it is to open and close these horrible wounds.

Tonight I am sitting here, in my bed, candle is lit next to me, I am covered and warm, my hair is pulled back, I am relaxed, I feel a little lighter, and my soul feels lifted!

Something big was there today — The storm came, the wind did not blow me away, and I adjusted my sails — to move on to tomorrow; another day of healing.