giving myself voice..

When I first started this blog last year, it began in little thoughts. I started off using the “photo” to tell the story of what I was writing, and then slowly it became writing the story, and finding a photo to help tell the story.

As I continued to write and be inspired by a couple of people, I noticed more and more that my voice was being heard, and my stories were longer and more authentic to how I was feeling inside.

In the past 2 months I have noticed that my voice is getting stronger and stronger. My feelings are sitting at the surface and I am using that as a tool to put my voice out there to be heard.

Today’s blog writing I am inspired by one of my mentors “Keith Jennings” who’s blog topic was “finding your voice”.

Today in session I had small emotions here and there, but today was about talking. Today was about talking through my heart and my soul — just like I write.

Today I talked for 2 hours and had a good conversation — I was giving myself voice. It was a conversation of understanding, compassion, my feelings, some joys, some sorrows, thoughts, wonder, laughter, fears, problem solving, and much more!

I found that giving myself voice today, was just as healing as giving myself emotions yesterday.

I never ever had a voice growing up. I was silenced from the age of 5. Everything was a secret. Everything was hush to keep quiet. Everything was black and dark.

Anything that I did give voice to; was on paper inside the closet. I had no one to talk to, I had no outlet. The only outlet I had was within me, or the paper I created my thoughts on — to be hidden behind the walls in the closet.

When I was 9 years old, I taped my voice and thoughts on this little plastic fisher price tape recorder that I had gotten for my birthday from Mrs. Bell. I would talk into it, save the tapes by hiding them as well in the walls of my closet. I saved those tapes and put them in a lock box when I was 18 years old. I held onto her voice all these years.

6 months ago, I took those tapes out of the lock box, and I shared them in therapy. I was finally ready to take that risk and take them out of the dark. We both had racing hearts at the thought of opening her voice up to be heard.

We sat and listened to that 9 year old on those tapes, as we both sat there in tears hearing my voice finally being heard after all these years. Finally giving her voice; the little girl we have been healing for years and years.

I had no idea what was on those tapes, but to hear that little girls pain (me at 9) — was heart breaking! It was so hard to hear, that we had to take breaks between listen to each tape. We needed to take breaks and talk about the depth of her cry for help; a little girl only wanting to be heard.

One of the greatest joys that came out of listening to those tapes was “GIVING HER VOICE”. She was finally heard, and today, I am being heard. I am blogging my healing, I am reaching out to others; I am reading my blogs in therapy, along with working through my timeline.

All of my healing today is about “giving myself voice” — something I never had before. My voice was caught behind the lies and the darkness, and today just as we did 6 months ago, when listening to the tapes of that 9 year old — today I am giving myself voice, and finding ways to heal through it.

Having a voice also comes with its consequences and risks. You see and feel everything you never saw or felt before. You realize what was under that darkness and silence. You hear things you never knew you felt; you hear your own pain as you are crying the tears.

I working on my timeline in this journey is a part of that (voice being heard). It’s a part of being with the hard, but opening the wound and shutting it with truth.

Every day when I sit to write in my blog, I am giving myself voice. When I sit down to write my blog, the VERY first thing I think about is “she would be so happy that she is being heard”; that 9 year old that longed for a voice to be heard.

It’s hard, it’s good, it’s healing, and I am honored to share it with everyone who reads this. My hope is that my healing, my hurt, and my pain are also helping others through their own healing — through “my voice” and my “truth”.