handing it over to be held…

For years in therapy my therapist has always said to me before leaving sessions “just leave everything you’re holding here with me, I will hold onto it. You just go and be!

Ok what? What does that even mean?

Sometimes I would get so frustrated thinking, “yes that is easier said than done if you’re not holding what I am holding”.

Friday before leaving my session, I went over to my therapist with a hug and said “ok, here we go, I am leaving some of it with you”; I just want a peaceful weekend filled with goodness! I want to BE, I want to feel peace inside! I want to be free! I want to have a weekend filled with grace, filled with goodness”. I handed it over through the hug — literally!

I said all of this with excitement, and at one point had tears in my eyes because I wanted it that much! I wanted to know what it was like to let someone else “hold” something for me, so I could go be. I wanted to understand it and experience that.

On the heels of a great session Friday in the “celebration and accomplishment”, I wanted to leave something there.

Needless to say, he was shocked and excited; He has been trying to get me to leave a little that I hold inside for years now!

I never knew what that meant. I never was able to understand how to let someone else hold something for me, and leave whatever I hold deep inside with someone else.

I never knew what it meant to let God hold some of it for me. My thought inside was always (God has enough to hold), again not giving myself any worth.

Sometimes I would write things down on paper, fold them up and put them in my “hope box” on the desk. I made that box to put things inside of it to remind me of where I am, and where I want to be, so when I look at it later, it’s there to show me what I once wanted or thought of.

I even have one at home, to hold little things I think about on a whim. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I sat up in bed, I looked around, and I almost didn’t want to disappoint the plan of letting myself just be. I got out of bed slowly, trying not to wake the hardness, or the emotions I hold inside, or even 2 O’clock. I almost was scared because for once I wanted to get it right!

I stood there in my room, getting ready for my day, and took deep breaths to not allow anything to come into my space unless it was grace, peace, connection, or goodness.

I even wrote something for a creative writing course yesterday morning, and was challenged, because I didn’t want that to create anything inside that would bring me back into those emotions that sometimes stir up when I write something.

Last night I got a wonderful email that reminded me — “Go and be. Live and love. Rest, work, play or write, connect, reach out when you want to. This is your weekend; I am holding everything for you”.

Honestly? I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to BE. I know how to work hard, I know how to figure out, I know how to work around; come up with ways to move through this healing journey I am on — but to be by letting someone else hold it?

I have tried time and time again to give myself that peace and goodness over the weekends when I don’t have any obligations to fulfill. I have tried giving myself that must needed rest in my soul — sometimes successful, sometimes not — but never have I handed it over to someone to hold before.

I decided this weekend that I was going to say NO if I didn’t want to do something, and YES if I truly wanted something.

Yesterday, everyone in the house was gone, so I went shopping for a little while, I wrote some emails, wrote a few poems that I thought of, I went for a drive with the windows down and listened to my favorite band “Fleetwood mac”. I spent some time reading the bible, and some passages that give me grace and fulfillment. I spent some time talking to my sister on the phone, just wanting to hear her voice.

I think I am actually getting the idea of letting someone else hold it for me… and let me be free from it, even if for one day.

A Lot of the times I almost would get frustrated with my therapist when I was told to leave everything with him. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How do you take your pain and emotions and leave it with someone, or leave it in the room? — I think I get it now.

Today, I am sitting here in my writing room, I just got home from church, and I am filled with God’s love and grace. I spent time with people I love at church; my heart is filled with some love to help give me strength to go forward.

I won’t lie; 2 O’clock is lingering close today, and it did come yesterday — It’s my life and what I go through every day waiting to pounce on me and make me feel things I don’t want to feel — but at least I am letting it be held by someone else, even for just a little while.

During mass today, I looked up at the cross and actually said “God you know my heart, you know the hard work I am doing, if anything, at least hold it for me today, so I can have strength going forward”. — I have never asked God of that before, thinking he was too busy for me.

So, tomorrow I pick it back up, I heal and move forward in my path and journey — I open my timeline — I open my heart and my strength again — but for now, I am with grace and peace, and I feel content and connected.

In this very moment, even if it changes, I can feel the breeze outside coming through my window, and for now that feels good and peaceful.

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If your holding something, and you just want to be free from it, try writing something on a piece of paper, fold it up small so it’s contained, and put it in a little box. Let the box hold it even if it’s just for a little while. Free yourself from that one thing you dont want to hold, and when you need to, pick it up again and work with it knowing you have more strength to hold it and work with it.