still holding on . . .

This weekend so far has been a toss between good and hard, sad and happy, empowered and maybe feeling a little weak, but I try to remind myself “I am not there yet, but I am so close”.

Being stuck in place and waiting for “the switch” to happen inside is not always the easiest thing. I know what I want to feel, I know what I want to do, I know where I am going — but it’s not here yet.

It can be so frustrating at times.

In all the years I have been working on my healing and physical healing in the gym, and all the hard work I do — this is the longest I have been stuck emotionally.

I have support, I have love, I have people around me who remind me that I am cared for when I am feeling down.

I am surrounded by endless understanding. I have a therapist who checks in (in between sessions) and always reminds me of the okay-ness of where I am, and showing me the hope of where I am heading in my healing.

I have people who embrace me — ask me how I am doing if I am the slightest bit quiet. I have people who understand this “stuck” place emotionally I have been in, and truly deep inside I know if I hold out my hand, I have 10 hands waiting for mine… but really finding that goodness is an inside job.

I have learned that no matter how many people surround me, truly the way to goodness and strength inside is something that I need to grab a hold of myself. There is no one who can do it for me — support me YES absolutely, but do it for me NO.

In the past when I have been stuck I have waited for that switch to happen and I know when it happens, because nothing can stop me. I am filled with fire, I am ready, I am pumped, I am filled with unstoppable energy .. and sitting here writing this, I know it’s close, I know I am almost there, but not yet, something is still there and we are working hard to figure that out.

I have been stuck emotionally many times in my life, but this time it’s taking longer, but the one thing I have learned in this is that, something is to be heard, learned and understood about this time, and I am listening quietly and patiently.

I will continue to pray to God; show up and write him letters about how I am feeling and know that when the time is right, when something is to be learned from this stuck place, that I will move, and not only will I move, but I will move BIG!

Like my therapist tells me and just told me “what we can do in this moment is stay connected, continue to lean in, you continue to look at all of us who have their hand out, know that we can talk about anything, and keep holding the hope, and it will happen”.

- I will feel better inside and move out of this stuck place I am in.

I will get to the place again to go to church every weekend and not feel unworthy of it. Enjoy eating again without feeling sick to my stomach. I will go to the gym with no fear that I am not strong enough. I will go to the coffee-house and sit with my friends and let myself be seen in the hardness OR the goodness without feeling isolated. I Will move out of this stuck place.

So tonight I will make dinner with my family. I will write my Sunday night connection email to my therapist. I will go for a night drive with my husband like we always do on Sunday nights. I will continue to write.. chat with my close friends online.. relax with a book, and tomorrow I will wake up and let the healing continue.

However I will say this, this has been a VERY hard “stuck” place I have been in for 2 months now; the longest I have been stuck ever.

but I have BIG FAITH — HUGE FAITH that it’s not going to be like this for much longer. I KNOW something is waiting for me and that shift will happen. I know something is going to happen to where I shift into a huge place inside my soul and in my healing, and I trust all the love and support around me in that .. but right now I will just move through each moment until that moment comes…

I have some hard work to do in therapy this week .. we have two 2-hour sessions planned this week and deep inside — I have a good feeling about this week coming up. My therapist sounds filled with hope, maybe even a little joyful/excited, and he says to me “ you don’t see what I see, but you will”. I trust that, I really do. I have been trusting it for 6 years and I will continue to.

I am blessed by all the people who know about my hard stuck time right now.. God has surrounded me with good good people .. I am lucky and have never lost sight of that — ever!