Emotional Burdens, One-Sided Friendships + Supermalt

Marley.
Marley.
Aug 27, 2017 · 12 min read

Emotional burdens…we’ve all been there at some point and if you’re reading this thinking, “well no actually, I haven’t”, you either have a bad habit of keeping all of your problems to yourself, a stress free life (lucky you) or your friends are being extremely polite. (liars lol).

Typical conversation surrounding emotional labour in friendships generally lacks honesty for a number of reasons. Yes sensitivity is one of them and possibly even this fear that honesty prevents people from opening up or confiding in you (which isn’t entirely true). However, a far more pressing issue is the fact that emotional labour and good friendship is often seen as one in the same.

Nowadays the moment you put “burden” and “friend” in the same sentence, you’re automatically lumped into the shit friend category. You’re often also hit with the age old saying, “a real friend should never make you feel like a burden”, which hardly ever addresses the real issues at hand (when used within this context) but instead gas-lights those who are perfectly entitled to their feelings.

doesn’t this gif just remind you of being in the workplace?

The most ironic part about these responses however is that they are almost always perpetuated by those who emotionally drain the hell out of their friends with full knowledge that their friends probably won’t say a thing.

Sometimes when people discuss friendships it kinda sounds like they’re talking about this thing that is measured solely by the amount of bs someone can hang about for without revealing too much of their humanness and if on the rare occasion you happen to speak up about how a particular friendship is emotionally impacting you, you’re all of a sudden the wicked witch of the west who is “making it all about you”.

how did i do with this gif on a scale of 1–10?

This suffocating approach to friendship and human nature gets even more absurd when you sit down for a second and approach things logically, isn’t the moment you deem your particular situation or long list of issues worthy of second or third party input an acknowledgement of its burdensome nature?

Isn’t the very need to seek external help in whatever capacity, be it advice or as a means to vent, an admission that what you’re dealing with in that very moment is perhaps too heavy to carry all on your own?

So why then is it so hard for people to comprehend that the person they are off-loading on could also at some point feel burdened? Is it that perhaps you’d rather a human being act like an emotionless robot who laps up everything you have to say and is only ever programmed to dish out what you like to hear?

should i stop with the gif’s now? it’s a robot, get it? loool

It’s hard not to feel like we’ve made “burden” out to be such a bad word so much so that people automatically become defensive the moment it’s brought up and friendships are ruined due to a lack of understanding of where both parties are coming from. I think people react more off how they feel, as opposed to what is actually meant by the word. I feel the same way with the concept of “bitterness” but that’s a story for another day.

“Burden” by definition implies that you’re dealing with a heavy load, if you yourself acknowledge how draining and heavy the matter you have brought to your friend is, why then do you think it could never at any point be something that is felt by your friend? Or is it that your friends feelings don’t matter?

perfectoooo

We’ve effectively dehumanised “the listener/adviser” to the point whereby they feel as though even the slightest sign of feeling overwhelmed or drained by other peoples personal issues is a character flaw and something they cannot vocalise without being branded an insensitive prick.

I once watched a show, which involved couples being brutally honest with each other, I guess you could call it couples therapy with the only catch being that both could ask each other whatever they liked, assisted by a lie detector (no it was not Maury loool).

I remember this one episode quite vividly, which featured a middle-aged man with his wife who also happened to be wheel chair bound. Some few questions in, she asked him something along the lines of “is my disability a burden” and his answer was both comforting and surprising.

He admitted that it was burdensome, wow, shock, horror, then elaborated, expressing the fact that he’s made a lot of sacrifices to cater to her every need but he’d do it again and again if he had to; that everything he does for her, he chooses to do because he loves her.

finally found a full sized gif, my life is complete.

For the first time in a while, I felt that honesty; there they were face to face discussing something so dear to both of them in one of the most unfiltered but purest of ways. She didn’t undermine his feelings, she understood the part that was, if it was hard for her, then surely it would be hard for him simply because they’re both heavily invested in each other.

frank oceans watch…time? investment of time? get it?

Similarly, most close friendships tend to be an investment, anyone who takes up a significant degree of your time that you can be spending doing other things is an investment, and hence why we’re often advised to choose friends wisely. More than anything, close friendship is an emotional investment; which is why investing in the wrong ones can be damaging.

When I look back to when I suffered from depression, I don’t only look back to see how far I’ve come, I look back and think about how I would not be here without the sacrifices my friends had made. It’s a sacrifice, as I wasn’t entitled to them staying up with me days on end till 3/4am listening to me ugly cry about the same thing until I fell asleep. I wasn’t entitled to my friend sharing her single sized uni bed with me on campus so that she could make sure I was okay and wake me up for my lectures.

I wasn’t entitled to my friends putting their own pain to the side just to deal with mine and yes we can sit here and talk about how “that’s what real friends do” and how that willingness to do so is often a characteristic of a great friend, but I feel like somewhere along the line we’ve lost touch with the fact that it is also a sacrifice, one that can be hard at times, one that can be triggering, one that can be draining both mentally and emotionally, one that can re-open old wounds, and maybe even one that can be one-sided depending on the friend.

We often forget far too easily that many people give from their reserve. Why?, because there are simply too many broken people in this world for that not to happen, many of whom just happen to be great at giving advice, great at listening or mixture of both.

don’t be daft fam, i’m saying we often give to others when we’re on low battery mate.

Admittedly, there’s nuance, it’s easier to feel emotionally drained in friendship when the friendship is constantly one sided. So of course, this might not always apply to friendships that are more balanced but there are still a variety of things the listener/adviser can feel even when the friendship is balanced. For example, if they’re that person for multiple friendships, they can easily feel drained, if they’re going through something that they’re not yet quite prepared to discuss with you for one reason or another, they can also feel drained, simply because they do not wish to overshadow what it is you’re going through which is why it is still important that we be more sensitive to the emotions of the listener/adviser, and be less entitled.

As for one-sided emotional support, I’ve found over the years that it doesn’t always present itself in one way. But nowadays no matter how it manifests I think I’ve experienced a fair share of them all, enough to identify them quite early on, not that I always act on them, sighs lol.

On a basic level emotional one-sidedness is when they only ever call you to vent or to seek advice but never make you feel comfortable enough to do the same. It could also be when they try to rush you through your problems/healing or they rarely afford you the same patience you give their issues, whilst dedicating not even up to quarter of the time you’d spend on their issues. Ultimately, they see you as one big inconvenience.

Another is when you bring them your problems and they always find a way to talk about themselves or their life, not that it actually benefits your current situation, just because they’re just that self-absorbed. Some constantly undermine your feelings or downplay the severity of your problems; others low-key find your problems entertaining as fuck, as they serve to validate the fact that their life isn’t as bad. The latter only ever asks you about your shit like it’s gossip and will prioritise being right over your feelings, your life is one big “I told you so” for them and they will always find a way of letting you know that, without ever working on the real underlying issues at hand.

stupid person.

Emotional users are often quick to cut you off or kick up a fuss the one time you’re not readily available to hear them out or be as understanding as they had hoped, despite the fact that you’ve been there for the thousands of other issues that they’ve needed your assistance with. They’re the type to emotionally manipulate you or guilt trip you into making you feel shit when you decide at any moment to be less emotionally available as before as opposed to asking whether you’re okay. A red flag is when they only notice when you’ve withdrawn for no other reason than the fact that they were looking to offload something on you or needed your help and couldn’t seem to find you.

Having said that, there are some who play a good game, these ones only ask if you’re okay, not because they actually care but rather as a formality before they offload on you and yet again get to the part where they can use you without coming across too rude. But not to worry, one day the ayomide in you will arise and you’ll call them out on their shit.

ayomide arise and know your worth

Now I’m trying my best not to sound dramatic here but I can’t think of any friendship worse than one-sided friendships. They are utterly shit and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy. I’m not talking about the brief or sometimes extended moments where you maybe need your friend more than they need you. It happens. I’m talking about friendships that are defined by one person always being the emotional labourer whilst the other is always the one draining you.

The other party isn’t always entirely innocent either; so we can please stop with that narrative, they’re not always these fragile, emotionally blinded individuals, more often than not they are entitled and feel it is their God-given right to have you on speed-dial and the moment your friendship ends they will not die without you, no matter how much they make you feel like you’re the only person they can rely on.

a day after you drop them out.

The longer you give without complaint the more entitled to your time, advice and attention they get and lord help you if they’re self-absorbed and by that I do not mean they don’t know what they’re doing, so are therefore absolved of all accountability, no, granted there are some who are unaware and in that case you’re doing both yourself and them a disservice by not pulling them up on it but there are a good few that know exactly what they’re doing and rely on your silence to continue using you for your emotional labour.

Another way to weed out these people is to pay close attention to how they treat their other friends. They’ll make it seem like they can’t talk to their other friends simply because they “don’t understand”, but more time, they’ve drained the hell out of their other friends and have latched onto you who happens to be jobless and willing to give them hours on end of your time, whenever they demand it with no thank you, no nothing or they know their other friends have no time for rubbish.

when you see your friend with the “shallow friends”

You will also observe them treat their other friends with more respect than they treat you and they’re very good at making you seem horrible or insensitive the moment you’re no longer satisfying their needs. Just ask yourself, how is it, you, who is always there for them, that gets significantly less respect than their other friendships they often describe as shallow friendships? I hate to say it, but they simply don’t rate or respect you.

Another thing is that they rarely take sound advice; they simply come to you to consistently offload. Now I’ve seen this discussed severally on social media and no I don’t think you must take every single piece of advice you’re given, I really don’t, but I also believe if you’re going to do that, you should start thinking twice about always bringing that same issue that you don’t plan to fix to that one same friend over and over again? I’m more accommodating of this when I’m dealing with younger people, but grown adults who do this generally don’t respect you (and before anyone get’s excited I’m NOT talking about extreme situations here…ie. Depression, family issues that are out of your control etc).

sometimes make a scene.

I personally find it disrespectful to commit to not changing whilst consistently expecting this one person who is NOT a professional to give up their precious time and advice every time shit hits the fan as a direct consequence of you not taking that advice. People who get in their feelings about this reality need to grow up, I had to, we all have to. If this is you, do not be afraid to talk to people who are less emotionally invested in you, ie. a counsellor, a “trusted” stranger (they exist lol), they’ll probably be far more equipped to handle that which those who are in close proximity to you cannot.

This also does not make your friends bad friends. I mean, you are practically asking your friend to be your counsellor that is not your right even though most great friends would jump at being there for you and if they want to do so that’s not a problem either, however, it is something that should be handled with care after all even counsellors get therapy…acknowledging the fact that even for them, being a listener/adviser isn’t an easy task at all.

All in all, I’m writing this not to say cut off all your friends, I actually do think sometimes these issues can be resolved if proper boundaries are put in place and people are more understanding and vocal and yes the giver also needs to self-assess and work on setting up protective measures too. Sometimes speak to your friend if you think they’re taking the piss, their answer will ultimately tell you everything you need to know about how they view you and your friendship and if falling back on that friendship is necessary don’t be afraid to do so no matter how bad you think it will make you look. Unfortunately, some people are so used to getting their way, they don’t give a toss about your feelings, they’ve successfully drained you and will find your replacement in 1,2,3.

I’m also not saying you’re all demons lmao, if after this you think you haven’t necessarily been sensitive to the feelings of your friend, the best response is to be more understanding and sensitive, a sincere apology will go a long way, followed by change in behaviour and if your friend says something along the lines of “ohhh no, it’s not a problem” just understand that she or he is lying to you loool. Override that statement and let them know how much you appreciate them anyway, ask them how they are from time to time. Lastly, I’m sure by now you’ve realised, this had nothing to do with Supermalt, I just put it there for decoration.

Ebi xx

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