Feeling Intensely
As a kid, I can remember thinking that I seemed to be feeling things more intensely than the people around me. The sun seemed brighter. Noises louder. In general, the world seemed more threatening and overwhelming. So I loved to be at home, safe in my cocoon, drawing or playing.
But as I grew up and was pushed out into the world it became apparent that I had to figure out how to make life more manageable. I did this by filtering out unpleasant sensations, becoming numb, so from the outside, I appeared like all the other good boys and girls. It didn’t help that I grew up in a rough neighbourhood, as it wasn’t the kind of place you wanted to show weakness. So I went the other way and got into gore and horror films as a mask to hide behind. No one would suspect!
The older I got the more I recognised that situations other people seemed to move towards, I moved away from. I found social situations overwhelming. While listening to someone (doing my best impersonation of a good listener) I couldn’t filter out all conversations of all the people around me. Other people didn’t seem to be doing that. And I picked up on every little disagreement or uncomfortable moment that no one else seemed to notice. So I branded myself as boring and avoided these situations as much as possible.
My outlook on life had been shaped by something as simple as always squinting at the sun. The outside world is somehow hostile, and I needed to retreat to safety. It also meant I found it difficult to trust my emotions, as my experience didn’t appear to align with everyone else's. I assumed I was being over the top and dismissed how I felt.
But while in my obligatory “Early 30’s Self-Development” phase, I found a book called “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine N. Aron. I took a test on her site and I identified with so much of it.
Studies show that 15–20% of people (and other species) have high sensitivity brains that are wired slightly differently as a survival strategy. This group of people don’t filter out as much of the information coming in, allowing them to notice more, but it can also result in them feeling overstimulated and overwhelmed.
So it wasn’t that I was being overly sensitive. I was SPECIAL! **JOKE**
But this book did teach me to have more compassion for myself. It helped me recognise that I’m not overly sensitive or boring. The world is just an intense place for me. And there are benefits as well as negatives to being highly sensitive. It’s been a real strength in my work, allowing me to hold a lot of information at once and see the bigger picture. I’m also empathic, which helps me intuitively help people express their ideas. I feel other people’s suffering intensely and this drives me to help make the world a better place.
So although it’s a bit of a shitty superpower in a lot of situations where you’d typically need a superhero, I now see that it does have it’s benefits.
