The Only Writing Fireside Will Ever Publish About Dicks

As you may have seen me rant about on Twitter over the past few weeks, quite a lot of our submissions last month were focused excessively on penises and Things That Men Would Like To Happen To Their Penises.

It was pretty irritating. And universally badly written.

Two of our submissions readers let off a little steam by imagining the following exchange. (Names have been changed to protect the impudent.)

Dear Fireside editor,
I hope you’ll consider my previously unpublished 9,000 word short story, “A Dick Full of Bees,” for publication.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best,
Archibald Mounticore

Dear Archibald,
Your story is too long, please remove every instance of the word “dick” to get it under 5,000.
Sincerely,
Penelope Golden
Fireside

Dear Penelope,
Thank you for the quick turnaround! I worry that perhaps you didn’t understand the metaphor in “A Dick Full of Bees”? The dick represents postfeminist society. Please reread it and keep in mind that I have an MFA in creative dick writing.
You’re welcome,
Archibald Mounticore

Dear Archibald,
I’m afraid we’re going to have to pass on this masterwork of literature. Best wishes on your tenured position as the head of your University Creative Writing Department.
Sincerely,
Penelope Golden
Fireside

Dear Penelope,
I hope you’ll consider my 25,000 word short story, “Why You Should Have Bought ‘A Dick Full of Bees’,” for publication. My work has previously appeared in LadMag and The Harvard Poltroon.
Best,
Archibald Mounticore
Dick Analyst

Dear Archibald,
Congratulations on your new position as an analyst, glad to see someone representing the woefully underrepresented white males on cable television. I am sorry to say that we are not currently accepting novella length fiction. We humbly suggest you try submitting to the New York Times weekend edition.
Keep up the good fight,
Penelope Golden
Fireside

Dear Penelope,
I understand your confusion, but it is a short story. I look forward to your revision notes, if there are any prior to publication!
All the best,
Archibald Mounticore
P.S. I’ve also attached for your consideration the first chapter of my 100,000 word short story, “Snail Slime Schloops”, in case you’re interested!

Dear Archibald,
We regret to inform you that Penelope is no longer editing for our publication. She was found slumped over her keyboard with “Thou shalt read the submission guidelines” typed over and over for seven-hundred-and-forty-two pages. We assure you that she is receiving the best of care and we are hopeful for her recovery. Until that time we are closed to all further submissions. For the safety of all of our employees we are now forwarding your emails directly to Poet’s Quarterly.
Sincerely,
Fireside HR Department