Guest Post: Snakes and Ladders
Hi, this is Riddhima Shrivastava. I was ranked 74th in the UPSC Civil Services examination of 2019. This is the story of how I found my way into the coveted pdf (in other words, the UPSC rank list).
Like many others, I too, took the Engineering detour. Nothing new here.
I loved Mathematics in school, so I joined the competitive scramble to get into a reputed Engineering College. I graduated from PEC, Chandigarh, a delightful campus populated with bright minds. My internship with McKinsey gave me a realistic view of what a corporate career looks like. College gave me exposure to a variety of fields. Most importantly, it gave me my support system of friends, which saw me through the most difficult times.
After I graduated in 2017, it became clear to me that I wanted to become a part of the Civil Services. So I let go of my campus placement. I have to thank my stars, that I found a close mentor early in my civil service journey. She brought a lot of positivity to me, at a time when I needed it the most. It was also encouraging to see her succeed in her career path. Her success motivated me to try hard to achieve my ambitions.
In the second half of 2017, I explored textbooks and websites, trying to create a plan of attack. I enjoyed Sociology thoroughly, and decided to choose it as my Optional. I had a giant mountain of a syllabus to conquer ahead of me, especially since most of these subjects were completely new to me.
2018 : The Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows.
The first half of the year was as productive as I could possibly manage. I had planned my months ahead, very carefully. I was up before dawn at my desk, ready with the agenda for the day. I slept like a happy bird, after checking off my to-do list every night. I practiced as many mock tests as I possibly could and felt very well prepared. Guilt-free leisure time spent with my family was a fun respite.
2nd June (the date of the prelims) came and went. I didn’t feel too happy about it. Nevertheless, I worked on World History and made Sociology (my optional notes), thinking that I still have a chance. I refused to calculate my score. Ignorance was bliss.
Most of us do not imagine the possibility of having to write this exam a second time. I certainly didn’t think of it, because I thought I’d given it everything I had. The result turned my delusions on their head. I had failed at the first stage itself. Much later, I found out, that I had missed the cutoff by 2 marks.
Two months flew past, with me regretting the silly mistakes I had made. I couldn’t be around friends or family, because I tended to snap at anything in my way. I was at my unproductive worst. Little did I know, that things would just get worse. The sad demise of my grandmother came as the shock that woke me up from my slumber. I wasn’t worried about the exam anymore. I turned to my notes as a distraction from the grief over losing her.
I picked up the pieces somehow and tried to finish my optional subject preparations for the next few months.
2019: The productive-unproductive binary
This year, there were more unproductive days filled with self-doubt. I had to learn to work around them. My family was a big source of strength. I tried to make time for exercise and long walks, which was a big help. The first half of this year flew by in exams and deadlines.
This time, I came home happy from the prelims exam. I almost felt that it was easier than last time. I calculated my score and found that I was at 112 +- 6, which would put me in a decent place. Time really flew, and I was soon on the other side of the exam process. I had no way of knowing how I had performed, since this was my first Mains.
October onwards, I applied to internships, jobs and other opportunities on LinkedIn. I ended up writing XAT, RBI and applying for TISS. It was a mixed bag of rejections and selections for me there. I could never completely give up on the Civil Services dream, though. So, I was scared to move on. Starting over with two gap years in my resume and no experience to speak of, was a nightmare !
2020: What?!
The mains results came out, delayed by a month, in the last week of January. I think that my brain had adapted to the delays by now. My mom woke me up from deep slumber at 3 am to tell me that I have an interview call after all. As luck would have it, I had my interview on the first day of the process, the 17th of February. I was scared that I had only 15 days to prepare, but excited, nevertheless. The interview with Bassi Sir was thought-provoking, but I did not know what to expect.
March and April were spent helping with the house-work in the height of the COVID lockdown and making time-tables for the next prelims. Tracking the news was becoming more and more painful. It really put things into perspective. Since the interviews were postponed, so were the results.
The next 4 months, I was mostly just worried about the pandemic. The stress of the results had been postponed, because I was no longer thinking about how the papers/interview had gone. It was so long ago. I had already started building time-tables and preparing for the next attempt. I was finding it difficult to remain productive, though.
Finally, on August 4, a very dear friend called to tell us that the results were out and I had made it ! I re-checked the pdf just to confirm and found that I had indeed scored the 74th rank. I could finally put away my prelims notes.
Here’s what I learnt from this bitter-sweet journey.
- There’s so much more to worry about than the exam.
- In hindsight, many things will look like a blessing in disguise. Missing the bus with the prelims in 2018 gave me enough time to prepare for my optional. Having an interview on the first day was good, because I didn’t have to worry about COVID — my interview happened well before the pandemic overtook the world.
As a child, my career goals used to change on a daily basis. At various points in time, I have wanted to be a pet-sitter, an astronaut or a mathematician. It would always be some interesting profession, though. I think I’ve done justice to my childhood self there, for, I am embarking upon an exciting journey. Fortunately, I’ve been allocated my first preference, the Indian Foreign Service, which promises to be quite a fascinating experience.
Life has come full circle for me today. I am contributing to a blog that has kept me inspired for the last 2 years. That, in itself, makes me smile broadly as I write!
