First Draft
Published in

First Draft

Woke Me

You left me standing there without a care. It caused me to search for a reason. For me to search for something deep inside that I could still believe in. It wasn’t easy. I had to battle against the feelings that didn’t want to free me.

But when I finally found an anchor ashore I came out a better man than I had been before. And it forced me to live and to explore all those new ways of thinking that you used to deplore. If your love was my cancer then a new life was my cure.

It didn’t take long for me to discover a whole new world of interests and passions left for me to uncover. This time I built life from the ground up. I started from scratch. No more phonies and cronies left for me from which to detach.

I realized it then, but I hadn’t before- I had always been so concerned by what you thought that it had rendered my life so poor. I thought back quickly about all of your superficial machinations, the lies you spread to others behind their backs and all of your frustrated aggravations. These were the things that you always tried hide, that you kept closely guarded and buried deep inside. I kept your secrets because I respected your trust, only to find that it was you who had spoken out to others about our love and our lust.

You painted a picture of how you wanted others to see us from the outside, descriptive superlatives for yourself yet colored with brush strokes to cover up your lies.

Now it strikes me as funny that some people still cling to that same sweet innocent view of you. They’re caught up in your web, unable to escape and find the truth. And maybe they’re not even wrong, because maybe it’s not all a lie. Maybe you treat some better than others, but for me that just proves how much you lie. So you keep all those hypocritical platitudes about how you tried and you tried; your were playing a game that one day you decided to end without ever giving a reason why.

And that took me a long time to understand. Because for me it was real. I used to feel robbed by the memories that you decided to steal. But then I realized and I learned. I loved and I lived. Had I never escaped I would never have learned how to forgive. How to respond. How to be more considerate of others. How to look for the things in other people that I want to discover.

So you saved me. You broke me. You fixed me. You woke me. The old me is dead. I’m a new person.

Indifferent to your lies and the peoples lives whom you worsen.

I would tell you rest in peace but I know that you won’t cease. But now when I see you on the streets I can see through your deceit. You can look me in the eyes, try to get me to fall for another try. But now when I look back I know just how to act. Because it’s not the person that I thought I once knew who I any longer see- it’s the fake facade of the person you put up for others of the person you want to be. And I don’t care because that’s your choice. But I’d rather be a real person, with honesty and depth of emotion, than be trapped with your fake voice.

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Things I think about when I sit at my desk | Updated every Sunday.

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Jon Walsh

Jon Walsh

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