FLN Report: 2016 Australian GP
The following opinions in this write up are completely serious. Totally genuine and the basis of my world view. If you don’t agree with them you’re a sell out and in the pocket of the new world order. 200% serious.
A new year of formula one and Mercedes is still at the top. All of the efforts of the FIA to mix things up this year had no effect and we only ended up with some boring ass qualification and two Mercedes at the top followed by a red car. Good job boys, let’s just give the trophy to them now. The good thing is this boring ass qualification format has been scrapped and we’ll be back to the old format in the next race. The biggest loser clearly HAS to be Sebastian Vettel who decided to just do one run in Q3 and quickly jump out of the car and strut around in his jeans much to the chagrin of all the media present. With a return to the old format Seb is gonna have to leave his jeans for BEFORE the session like the Queen intended.
Otherwise in Qualifying there were no big news. Totto Wolf of Mercedes and Christian Horner of Red Bull went on cameras to complain about how the qualifying format stunk and the sport owes an apology to the fans as if we didn’t know that THEY were part of the team that approved it. Where’s my apology Christian? While we’re at it why don’t you apologize for that awful picture of you ruining a perfectly good Ferrari by sitting on it with a speedo?
The race itself actually started off great with the Ferraris jumping the gun on Mercedes and jumping to 1–2 with Rosberg falling to third and Hamilton falling to 12th after he finally got the right location filter he wanted on his snapchat post from the grid (his caption read “formation lap long af” ) Sebastian pulled away while Kimi played the John C Riley character from Talladega Knights and just held the rear. It looked like Ferrari was going to have an upset on their hands until the Americans came in and crashed the Italian’s party much like in Sicily in ’43.
On lap 18 of the race Alonso in his VTEC-Mclaren was attempting an overtake of Gutierrez’s Haas when he clipped the left read tire went tumbling, flipping, crashing into the gravel, jumping up, flipping, disintegrating, ripping the time space continuum, crashing into the gravel some more before coming to a stop against the wall. Somehow he survived as he pulled himself up gave a thumbs up then went to go thank the fates for whoever’s life they took in his place. At this point the race was red flagged or stopped and Ferrari’s advantage was out the window. When asked by Ted Kravitz of Sky news about how he feels about the accident Gene Haas said “…We’ve done it all this race, survived the first lap. Caused a red flag…” Need I say more? Anyway Grosjean got the points, Alonso is safe and Gutierrez’s neck is so strong he didn’t even feel anything.
Lost in the kerfuffle of the red flag was a true act of greatness. Rio “Indonesian Pastor” Haryanto somehow jacked up his transmission during a red flag. That takes skill, I don’t care who you are. You’re stationary and through some act of unabashed engineering genius you break a transmission. Respect Rio. Respect.
After the red flag it was all Mercedes. Ferrari forgot they had a Medium tire and doomed their guys, even refusing to extinguish the flames of Raikkonen’s car as he sat in the car for about 5 seconds until finally a marshall came and extinguished the flame. Vettel made a good effort almost catching up to Lewis Hamilton but spinning out, one can’t help but wonder if he was too busy thinking about getting into his jeans and not on the race at hand.
Elsewhere on the track Max Verstappen of Toro Rosso complained to his team because he couldn’t pass a guy on the same car that he had. Right after he complained to the team that they didn’t change his tires. Then after both of those he complained to the team that they weren’t telling the other guy to get out of his way. Verstappen was so angry we received reports that he stormed off after jumping out the car to cool down, we have footage here. Say what you want about being a cry baby, the kid wants to win and if you won’t let him win by doing something stupid, like, running your own race He has a right to complain about it. Anyone who says otherwise is a dope.
That’s all for this race, I leave you with the power rankings. ohh also…where was Magnussen?!
FLN Power Rankings
- Vettel’s Jeans
- Rosberg’s looks
- Verstappen’s salt
- Alonso’s guardian angel
- Lewis Hamilton’s “King Lewis” snapchat filter
- Kimi’s reluctance to be freaked out by fire
- Villanova
- All the people who tweeted “Damn Danil” when Kvyat didn’t start.
- Haas F1
- Pastor Maldonado
