22 Principles to not fuck up your Dating and your emotional sanity
There’s too much Internet advice floating in bytes and it sucks. Here’s a summary of all sane advice out there including therapists!
“Make room for love and it always comes. Make a nest for love and it always settles. Make a home for the beloved and he will find his way there. — Marianne Williamson
A healthy approach to relationships begins from self-awareness. Here are 22 bites of wisdom to help you navigate the tricky space of dating and relationships.
1. Enjoy dating with an open mindset
Meeting multiple people gives you a better idea of your own preferences before you start seeing someone more seriously. And no, you are not supposed to be dating many people at the same time (glad you clarified).
If dating feels like an examination, you will end up attracting an examiner. The key to thrive in dating is: Instead of worrying about being liked and saying things to please the other person, listen and observe whether you genuinely like the other person on the first date.
You are not there to get hired but to recruit.
2. A successful relationship is about compatibility and it goes beyond how cute someone is
I know, I know. Hormones. After a while, you will stop noticing the cuteness but if the person has a habit that annoys you (not making their bed, bad at losing a board game), it will become hard to ignore.
3. Break up is not the end of the world
For whatever reason, if you have to break up (or your partner initiates it), it is okay. No, seriously. You would think it is the end of the world and you will never find anyone so good again. But usually, your mind is just reacting to the insecurity of ending up alone. Read point 22.
Breaking up sucks but being stuck with a wrong person is a torture beyond comprehension.
4. Don’t date assholes, narcissists and control freaks
Self explanatory. Quit if the person is abusive, tries to make you feel bad for his/her problems, feels manipulative, does not pay attention to your needs or talks down to you.
There is no reason big enough to justify staying with such people.
5. Kindness is the most important trait to look for
Yes, it is shocking but in the end, if your partner cannot be kind to you when you behave differently from what they expect, you will run crazy trying to please them. It is not a battle you can ever win. Romance will cool down, you have to pay bills and do unpleasant chores when you live together.
There will be days when the world seems wrong. You need a kind partner to get through those days.
6. Don’t chase anyone, move on
If someone breaks up again and again with you and keeps coming back, stop. If they don’t value you, they are not worth keeping.
The longest relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Have some self-esteem.
7. Career and relationships are equally important
No amount of wealth can fill in for loneliness and no amount of company can fill in for emptiness. You can have a balanced family and professional life. Go for it. Don’t compromise on your dreams and always be there for your partner.
Find that delicate balance — it is hard but it is so worth it.
8. Don’t try to change anyone
Everyone holds some beliefs and values in life. Some of those are non-negotiable. Unless you understand what you can and cannot live without, how can you find the ‘one’ for yourself?
If your plan depends on changing your partner so that they can align with your values, think again. Can you change for them?
Examples are known where deep incompatibility in religious beliefs, political beliefs, financial values corroded the relationship over time. If you are a spiritual person and that is core to your existence, you won’t be able to thrive easily with someone who is agnostic, materialistic and contrarian to your values.
People usually don’t change when it comes to such core values. Exceptions may occur but you don’t want to hold your breath on it.
9. Backpack test
My favorite advice came from Richard Muller on Quora, “Take a week long backpack trip together. Before you get married, you want to experience stress together, ideally over an extended time.”
How do you hold together in stressful moments will tell you if you are right for each other or not.
“It’s easy to enjoy each other while on a vacation in Maui. The key is to find someone you can have fun with during the six-hour flight over there. — Tom Arnold”
10. Never cheat
Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. Don’t cheat — not because someone will find it out but because you are much better than that.
One never sleeps peacefully when one is worrying about being caught.
11. Read relationship books before you fuck it up
You will fuck it up, trust me.
But to avoid making it a catastrophe, educate yourself. Relationships can be understood by reading about human psychology and communication. I know 20 something people think it ludicrous to be reading about relationships. But you will be thankful later when you end up not losing a great person because of your ego. Or, when you get rid of a toxic person. Despite how smart you feel you are, you are naive and books can help.
Here are the three books I can recommend to start off with-
- “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie — Because you need to learn how to be a likable person to be in a relationship
- “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray — Because it helps to understand different mindset of men and women (avoid generalizing too much though)
- “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg — Hands down the best material I have found on how to avoid miscommunication that kills so many relationships
12. Long distance is hard, not impossible
Any relationship needs investing time. If you can do that, distances may matter less. But don’t overtly romanticize the notion of making long distance work.
As you move to a different country/place to study or start a job, you are going to change — whether you like it or not. You should take time to decide if that old relationship of yours is still the right one for you. In a good relationship, both people grow simultaneously. And if you can grow from distances apart and keep the commitment and integrity alive, you can have a relationship that will truly stand the test of time. And if not, it is better to let go.
13. Don’t commit before you feel ready
This is an extension of point 3. If things are not great, quit. A right relationship is not supposed to be okayish, or just-good-enough; it is supposed to be great. It should make you feel not starry-eyed but calm from inside.
‘Yes, this is the person for me!’ — If you are not feeling this way, don’t feel an obligation to commit just because you have dated each other long enough.
14. Discuss important things instead of sexting
Do you want to live abroad or in your home country? Do you want kids? Do you want to keep working after the marriage? Would you wish to take care of parents together after marriage? These are the questions that matter and yet most couples never discuss it until after the wedding.
15. Interracial relationships face extra challenges, are you prepared?
Asian cultures are ultra-conservative and a western person may find many of the customs strange. While Anglo-Indian, Jewish-Muslim marriages are not unheard of (and I personally know successful couples), they require that much stronger foundation to withstand the extra complications.
16. The only good reason to marry someone is love and compatibility
Definitely not peer or family pressure.
17. Best friend may not make for best spouse
Intimate relationships need more than friendship to thrive. Read point 16.
18. Keep a good circle of friends and don’t let your life revolve solely around your partner
Actually a good partner will not make you do it but sometimes, couples tend to isolate themselves socially. What seems very intimate in the beginning can seem like an extra burden of expectations on each other.
If your whole life revolves around your partner, there is more probability of getting disappointed when the other person misses out in giving what you want. It is not fair on either of you.
19. Nothing good will get away, don’t be desperate
Don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens. The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away — John Steinbeck
Read this wonderful letter containing relationship advice by John Steinbeck to his son.
20. The ultimate test of how good your relationship is
Are you naturally yourself with this person or do you pretend to be someone you think they want to be with? If you act differently in front of your partner, it is a telling sign of an unease in the relationship.
21. Do not carry on if you know it isn’t going to work
Respect your partner’s time and break up gracefully and let them move on. Never hurt anyone with your careless attitude. Whatever you throw out to the universe will come back to you. Karma never forgets.
22. Don’t date back to back. Spend sometime alone
If we cannot stand being alone with ourselves, how can anyone else?
Many people keep jumping from one relationship to another for the fear of being alone. But unless you learn this very act of ‘relishing our solitude’, you will keep seeking people to fill the void, often compromising on who you are letting in. Once you find home in your own self, you will set higher standards on who to share your lives with.
The difference between a good relationship and a great relationship rests upon the solid ability to return home to one’s own sense of self — to maintain “the sweetness of solitude in the midst of a crowd,” as Emerson would say — Katherine Woodward Thomas
While there is no algorithm to find the right person (wouldn’t OKCupid pay billions for that?), the right relationship will feel right. And the right person will elevate you instead of letting you drown in the dungeons of insecurity and longing.
Now, go and date. It is a chance to know another human being but most importantly, to know thyself.
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