Clouds Against the Blue Sky: Meditations on 100 Days of Meditation

Imagine yourself laying on a grassy green hill beneath a vibrant blue sky, remarkably like the Windows XP default wallpaper (for those old enough to remember). [1] Patches of white drift lazily on by overhead. The sun is shining bright, but now and then you are cast into shadow as one of these passing clouds blocks its rays. Some clouds are larger than others, but soon enough they move along, and you are once again bathed in our star’s warmth.

What if you could learn to view all sensations and thoughts, even and especially undesirable ones, in such a way when you so choose?

One of my 2017 resolutions was (and still is) to practice mindfulness meditation, and indeed this is the goal of undertaking such an exercise. Now that I’ve completed 100 days—not all consecutive, unfortunately—I want to reflect on what I’ve learned.

Why 100 days?

• Homo sapiens evolved ten fingers and toes and are thus mostly in a base-10 number system.
• I meditate for 10–15 minutes each day, which roughly equates to the average amount of total time spent practicing mindfulness (22.6 hours) by the participants of a well-known study that showed increases in brain matter density in key areas.
• We are now 100 days into Trump’s presidency, which was at least partially the catalyst for beginning to meditate in the first place.

Musings

I’m unable to conduct MRIs on myself, but subjectively have noticed a positive impact and am looking forward to continuing to practice meditation, perhaps indefinitely. I’m even considering one of those silent retreats.

Friends used to joke that my mood only ranged from 6–10. However, as I got into my late 20s I think that range declined by 1–2 points on either end. The causes were probably myriad, but certainly included additional responsibilities, increasing interest in politics, heavier Bay Area traffic, and perpetual flight delays at SFO. Mindfulness allows you to recognize negative thoughts and emotions when they arise as merely passing clouds, helping you treat them with equanimity. [2] It can also be useful in stressful situations like when the extreme turbulence hits, and when confronting minor inconveniences like when you’re stuck somewhere cold—taking a step back inside your mind helps you cope.

Don’t get me wrong—the change has been subtle and I am not the Buddha; don’t expect immediate enlightenment (thus the name of a great meditation app, 10% Happier). But it is easy to see how continued advancement could yield tremendous benefits. I look forward to day 1,000.

On top of the practical applications, there is something fascinating about studying your own consciousness, especially for those keen on new experiences and with interest in artificial intelligence. The amount of raw sensory input you receive at any given moment is astounding. Add thinking into this mix, and it’s a wonder anyone could be bored (even if these days one only potentially encounters this state when sans smartphone). Then realize that this combination of senses and thoughts is all there ever is. The inputs change—sound, light, sensations, thoughts—but this little world is truly the only world in which you ever live or experience anything. This seems rudimentary in retrospect, but it’s not something on which most people dwell. Meditation forces you to do just that.

It is good to feel alive, and not in the way that phrase has become a cliche heard in too many songs—literally to notice what it feels like to be alive in this very moment. We call various feelings sadness, or heat, or tingly, or pain, or jubilation, but these are just words used to describe much more visceral phenomenon. What does each actually feel like? Even the constant process of breathing and the gentle beating of your heart can be stimulating. I’m reminded of a favorite quote, by William Saroyan:

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

There may be those today who believe that last line doesn’t apply to them, and as I mentioned a useful effect of meditation is controlling anger. But to me this is a perfect description of mindfulness in practice; you can recognize anger, even embrace it if you want, but manage your external response. If and when we achieve some of our techno-utopian dreams of effective immortality via uploading our consciousness, will we lose these physical sensations that largely define what it is to be alive in the first place?

Another alluring insight gleaned regards the self and free will, and this rabbit hole goes a bit deeper. We have known for decades that all the atoms and cells in our bodies turn over many times throughout our lives. More recent studies have shown that the same may be true of our personalities too. As an audiophile a favored aspect of meditation is focusing on sounds, and how although you can create them yourself—by breathing, for example—most of them spontaneously emerge and change outside of your control. Upon sufficient examination you find that the same is true of your own thoughts, which many take to be the very core of who they are. There are simple examples like if I tell you not to think of an elephant you will definitely think of an __________, but when you spend enough time focusing on how these thoughts bubble up from the void you realize there is more to it than that. It is striking, and perhaps unnerving, how little control you may have over your mind. Some of this agency can be wrested back via meditation, but it is clear you are not in the driver’s seat much of the time. It can even be entertaining to sit back and see what random, often ridiculous thought arises next, and the seemingly aimless ride of association on which it takes you. Getting lost in reveries is ok when you know how to find your way home.

This has obvious implications for free will (or the lack thereof), but how interesting to go in search of the self and find that there may be no one there. Buddhists, well-known as big fans of meditation, realized this long ago, and speak of the self as an illusion. I’d say that at the very least it appears to be transitory, like everything else. Maybe it shouldn’t be so surprising after all. Although I already understood this on an intellectual level, it is something different to discover it separately via subjective experience during self-experimentation.

Lastly, brain-computer interfaces have been getting a lot of press lately following news of Elon Musk’s Neuralink. If this really is the future—and I think it has as good of odds as many other ideas—then having maximum control over your attention and mind will become (even more) critical. It could also help you prevent committing thought crime should we slide completely into an authoritarian dystopia. Time to go long meditation?

Advice

Ok, so you’re intrigued and want to give it a shot yourself? There are many great resources online for learning about meditation from those far more knowledgeable. Nonetheless, here is some advice from a person who recently ascended the steep part of the learning curve.

First, make it a routine as much as you can. Experiment with different times of the day and see what works best. I tried morning, lunch, after work, and before bed, and like many people settled on the morning. It’s easy enough to wake up ten minutes earlier. However, you may want to have a cup of coffee or at least shower first—meditating while overly sleepy is not a good idea.

Second, get a guided meditation app. The four I’ve used so far are:

• Headspace, which I subscribed to for a month—the narrator Andy’s voice is unbelievably soothing.
• Calm, which I only used briefly but also seems like a good option.
• 10% Happier, as mentioned above, with meditations led by the famous teacher Joseph Goldstein (among others) and a lot of good advice for newbies.
• Insight Timer, which I find myself using most of the time now. It’s almost like YouTube for guided meditations. As with most user-generated content, quality can vary (though these have to be approved), but so does length, style, purpose, etc. which is useful. The community aspect is also nice.

There are plenty of others out there I’m interested in trying, and am particularly looking forward to the meditation app Sam Harris is building. The two meditations he has on his website are fantastic. However, I only do guided meditations about half of the time; sometimes they can be a distraction, and I welcome the extra challenge of going it solo. When possible I will do unguided meditations without a specific amount of time allotted, finishing when I feel sufficiently relaxed, focused, and aware. [3] This is especially helpful as it can create anxiety when you have a timer set and think you may be nearing the end of the session. But a word of caution—it’s surprising how fast time can go by when you are deep in meditation, almost like slipping into a state of flow. It would be wise to set an alarm if you are for example meditating in the morning and have to leave for work by a certain time.

Finally—and this may be unorthodox—after getting the hang of meditating in a controlled environment, I’ve found it valuable on occasion to meditate under the influence of various mind and sense-altering substances. For example, alcohol or cannabis (use your imagination but be responsible ;). Investigating the effects these chemicals have on how you experience the world and how they shape reality is illuminating. If that’s not your thing then at least try it in a few novel situations. The most profound and memorable episode I’ve had so far was meditating outside as it began to drizzle, and then pour. Even gray clouds framed against a dark sky will eventually dissipate and reveal the sun.

Notes (Medium really needs a better way to do these)

[1] I find it simultaneously surprising and intuitive that this image Bliss is one of the most viewed of all time. Even more surprising, although you probably wouldn’t guess it if you live in the Bay Area (coincidentally where the image was taken), is that there are still twice as many desktop computers running Windows XP as Mac OS X.

[2] As you explore the world of guided meditations you will find other related metaphors such as cars on the highway or waves in the ocean, but clouds against the blue sky is my preference—hence the title of this piece.

[3] The unique clarity attained from meditation often reminds me of being out in nature somewhere on a clear day. Being from the Pacific Northwest the outdoors have always been a favorite pastime, though we didn’t always have blue skies and white clouds.