“Enough Of This Bullshit”
I’m blatantly stealing this title (and theme) from Elizabeth Gilbert. Specifically, one of Gilbert’s Facebook posts. Because it’s good. No, it’s great. Unless you don’t have any bullshit in your life. I do. Lots.
https://m.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/photos/a.356148997800555.79726.227291194019670/756362384445879/?type=3
(January 5, 2015)
So, yes, I have bullshit in my life. Ding, ding, ding! All of my own creation. Recognition and aknowledgement.
“Then comes the digging, the owning, the honesty, the work…I can only assume that-going forward-I will have to call bullshit on myself again and again, too…but only if I want to keep growing.”
And here’s where Gilbert’s piece truly helped opened my eyes to something important.
“Because I’ve seen this happen in other people’s lives, too-the moment when they finally wake up to their own bullshit. What follows next is always [Oh, I must disagree with that “always”.] amazing. It’s not self-hatred or shame (that was all part of the original bullshit) but LIBERATION.”
For me, the “self-hated” and “shame” part was/is the hardest-I think-to escape. Recognizing the bullshit can amplify the self-hated/loathing/doubt rather than liberating one from the BS. And shame (embarrassment, fear of rejection…) may prevent one from escaping the BS. Recognizing the BS but remaining mired in the self-loathing and shame is like drowning in a pool and grasping the side edge with your hands, but leaving your head under water. At least this is my experience.
I have plenty of BS in my life, but here I’m only going to show you two things: Diet soda and sugar/sweets. You might think these things are minor (and perhaps, in the grand scheme of all my BS and in the long run, you are correct), but for me they are significant. For years I have abused my body with excessive amounts of diet soda and sweets (and other poor diet habits). A bunch of BS. At the beginning of the New Year, I decided to change my ways. I tapered off the diet soda and went cold turkey on the sweets.
The physiological benefits are important, but there’s another reason for my need to change. You see, for many years I have been fat, obese, big, and that affected me in ways I sometimes recognized, but never properly dealt with. I was ashamed of being fat and hated myself for being big. I already had a tendency to think I wasn’t “good enough” and didn’t belong, and being fat fed (kinda punny) that issue Maybe “hate” and “loathe” are too strong, but that’s what I’m going with because that’s what it felt like.
Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, you can’t truy love somebody else (or do lots of things) unless you love yourself. Truth. I was convinced that people wouldn’t like me, hire me, love me.. because I was a fat slob. This made me less out-going, less friendly, less active, less adventurous, less entrepreneurial. I was fat so I was less of a person and that made me feel like crap. So, in response, I’d amplify my poor food habits. Dang, I feel like crap because I’m fat, but maybe this Big Gulp and Blue Bell will make me feel better. Yes, I know it’s stupid. And knowing that, rather than helping break the cycle, reinforced it. I have an appetite for self-destruction. Another topic.
I finally made the break from diet soda and sweets and I’m feeling good. Though it’s been less than a month, I think there’s been a positive change. And not just a physical change The nutritionists and psychiatrists can weigh in, but I’m convinced my diet change has helped with mental changes. My head (my thoughts/thinking) seems clearer. I’m calmer, less stressed, and less anxious. Some situations at work which would have caused me stress and anxiety before have not ruffled my feathers. Calm. Patience. Acceptance. Everything seems clearer and I feel lighter, more energetic, and more awake.
Life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Some bad things have happened (through my own fault) and I’ve had some difficult and painful experiences with sadness, guilt, anxiety…, but I’m convinced that changing my diet allows me to better experience and respond to these things. So, maybe all this sounds like no big deal-and considering all my BS it’s a drop in the bucket-but everything helps and everything counts. This counts for me.
