Feeling of dying because mental illness

And how much you want everyone to notice you.

I’ve written a lot things about my mental illness that I hope soon one of my relatives would read and understand how I’m feeling.

There’s a lot of things I do and feel that I never tell anyone. Even to my closest best friend or my family. I’m not comfortable enough to talk to them, because I’m afraid of what they’ll think or maybe what they gonna say about it. I’m totally different from the “me” you see on the outside, while in the inside I’m very dark and sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose control of it and losing my Faith to God. There’s many things about The “Me” from the inside that I never shows but instead faking it, and now I’m tired of it.

The me you don’t know is the me who actually hates all of you being around me, the me who’s afraid to be judge of the things I do, the me who wanted everything to be perfect, the me who mostly need help but doesn’t want to help, the me who actually very competitive and jealous kind of person, the me who wanted to feel needed and love, the me who wanted to read the bible and pray everyday to change my life completely, the me who wanted you to understand and notice me.

There’s many times I thought of wanting to die. I remember wanting to jump off my balcony because I was depressed and anxious. The time when I would harm myself with sharp cutter to my arms until it bleed and I don’t feel any pain. And how relief it was for a couple moment, until you realize it’s wrong.

I feel I can’t take control of myself, I feel there’s something controlling me. My mental illness could kill me if I can’t take control, everyday I feel like dying and I want it to stop. I never can’t find someone who’s truly going to listen to me, so I write this. I need help. I want help from all of you.

Thank you for reading this short blog of mine.