How To Tell Your Mother You’re An Atheist

I’ve been pondering, investigating, examining, seeking, contemplating the answer to the question for more than 10 years. The question isn’t an easy one to identify. It’s kind of an amalgamation of many questions. “What does God mean to me?” “Am I a Christian?” “Is there a God?” Over time, these questions have become more focused. “Do I really believe in the bodily resurrection of Jesus?” “How/when was the Bible written?” “Who wrote the Bible?” “Was Mary really a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus?” “Is the Bible the inerrant word of God?”

Growing up in a Christian family, I had all the answers already laid out for me. I didn’t know these questions yet, much less the fact that other people had been asking them for 2 millennia. I simply believed what I’d been told by my family, church, and community. God exists. Jesus is the son of God. That’s it. End of conversation. Any further conversation was predicated on those inerrant truths.

Going to church was something we all did. My brother and I didn’t really like it that much, but at least it was a chance for us to see our friends. It wasn’t that Sunday morning was a huge drag, it was just boring. It was for grown ups. The sermons were outside my intellectual grasp, so I tuned them out and drew pictures on the order-of-service. We’d go on youth group trips and mission trips (which is where I first learned about marijuana and Dr Dre).

I remember waking up super early for the freezing cold sunrise service at zero o’clock on Easter morning. I remember my Father preaching and my mother always smiling. It was a happy time. A simpler time. We never had a lot of money, but I grew up in an otherwise normal middle class household. I was encouraged to use my creative imagination with regards to math, science, reading, writing, music, history etc… “You can be anything you want to be…” they’d say to me. My mother and father did a great job raising us. They were loving, Christian parents who never made church a big deal. I have no negative feelings about those experiences.

However, even after my Christian upbringing, I always felt like an outsider. As a little kid, I could never quite make sense out of the ‘truths’ I was taught. I guess subconsciously I assumed that I’d understand them more as an adult. That never happened. The older I got, the more my own religion seemed inconsistent and arrogant. I became offended that my belief system had been decided for me.

Like I mentioned earlier, I was given a wide intellectual and creative berth when it came to my own development. Except for one subject — religion. Cue Beethoven’s 5th symphony. “We believe in God. That is the only truth. God is the way, the truth, and the life. Good people go to heaven, bad people go to hell. Christians go to heaven. Everyone else goes to hell. Jesus rose from the dead and ascended into heaven. God created the universe and everything in it and he knows you and everything about you and he knows everything about everyone and he also knows everything about everything because he is the alpha and omega blah blah blah…” These were just some of the ideas that were battered into my head from a very young age. An innocent, trusting age I might add. It wasn’t until I became older that I began challenging these assumed ‘truths’.

Fast forward many years later. I’ve become fascinated with comparative religion. I love reading the Christian apologetic point of view. I love reading the atheist’s point of view. I find cosmology, and science, and theology very interesting to me. I get charged up reading smart people defend their beliefs with good reasoning. All of this matters to me because it was such a large part of my childhood.

I now consider myself a free thinker. I’m a humanist, evolutionist, atheist (technically a level 6 agnostic — please refer to Richard Dawkin’s book The God Delusion — chapter 2, under the subheading The Poverty Of Agnosticism). I want peaceful inquiry and open discussion instead of violent, emotional defense of belief. I crave rationale and reason. Challenge me! Let me challenge you! I’m not afraid of great arguments from the Christian perspective. If there ever becomes an argument or evidence that flips my belief on its head, I will simply change my mind.

While I don’t believe in theism or deism, I do believe all people can learn from the teachings of Jesus — not to mention many other people throughout religious history. I don’t look at Christians, Muslims, Jews, agnostics, atheists, or even politicians with disdain. There is much to be learned from varying perspectives regarding world religion. As John Shelby Spong (an episcopal bishop) writes in his book entitled THE SINS OF SCRIPTURE:

A veritable renaissance of religious terror now confronts us and is making against us the claims we have long made against religious traditions different from our own. It feels very different when we confront the religious claims of being the true faith, of controlling access to God, of being committed to the task of converting the world to our religious thinking and discover that we are the object of that religious invective rather than being the ones who are making the claims. The time has surely come to abandon what was a minority idea in the gospels, created when Matthew changed Mark’s original wording — the idea that for one not to be identical in faith with us is to be our enemy. The probability is that the literal work of Jesus was the original text as Mark recorded it, and that earlier wording suggested that if other religious traditions are not against us, they are in fact for us. Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, and Hindus are not against our religion, so we can embrace them as sisters and brothers, honor the pathway that each walks in their quest for God and begin a new era of religious cooperation. We can lay down the misinterpreted claim that we possess the only doorway to God.

Spong, in a different part of the book:

… the moment any religious tradition claims certainty, it turns demonic. It also gives up at that moment the very reason for which it was originally created.

Although Spong and I differ on certain ideas, there’s something refreshing and comforting about knowing there are Christians out there who favor a more inclusive approach to belief. I highly recommend this book to anyone even mildly interested in the topic.

After considering all of these important questions (as least for myself), I’ve become fascinated with the question “why”. Why do I believe? Why don’t I believe? Why do/don’t you believe? Why have I been told these things? Why haven’t I been taught about any other religions? Up until recently (within the last year), I would have had no answers. The real answer would have been, “because that’s what I’ve been told to believe”. That’s incredibly hard to admit. Questioning these things can be scary for a person who might become ostracized from friends and family.

Now we turn to my wonderful, Christian mother. I recently posited this question to her: Do you think you’d be a Muslim if you grew up in a Muslim country with Muslim parents? I believe with every ounce of reason and logic I’m capable of that the answer should be a resounding yes. Respectfully, my mother’s answer is no. I admire her conviction. She believes she’d still have made her way to the only truth she’s ever known. She believes she’d still have ended up a Christian. And who can blame her? I then asked her if she’s ever really considered the question of whether or not God exists. She had not. She’s always believed. She’s always ‘known’.

After years of serious contemplation, research, and introspection, I knew I had to tell her how I felt. I knew it was time for me to ‘come out’ as an unbeliever. She’s been my sounding board for so many ups and downs in my life and once again, I confided in her (I realize how lucky I am). I said, “I don’t believe its true, Mom. I don’t believe in God. I realize this will be devastating to you, but that’s where I’m at.” We then talked about all the energy, thought, and research that had led me to my decision. Although she was not angry or upset with me, she didn’t take it well. Her tears of love slowly ran down her face in defeat. She thought she had failed me. I reassured her that she was and is the greatest Mother ever in the history of everything. I told her that this was simply my own journey. Again, her emotional response was understandable and is based in profound, limitless love. My brother and I are 2 of the luckiest sons to ever walk the face of the earth. I’m incredibly lucky to have a Mother who still loves and accepts me regardless of how I feel about God. I know she would never turn her back on me. I’d like to make one thing clear though. Her love is innate. It is built in. Take away God and all of the religious dogma and you still have a Mother who loves her son. I fully believe that if she encountered evidence that there was no God, she’d still love her children just as much. Our conversations on this topic still happen on a regular basis. They are respectful and open. I value her opinion. I respect her belief.

Here are a few things I’ve learned about my experience:

1. You must never require others to hold your beliefs. Ever. Neil deGrasse Tyson was once asked in his podcast (I’m paraphrasing), “Do you think human kind will make it?” His answer was great. “Yes, provided that the majority does not require the minority to hold the same beliefs.” Would you really want to change a mind if given the chance? Maybe the answer is yes but to be honest, I’d be devastated if I was the catalyst that led my mom to unbelief. I sincerely believe that for some people, belief is a good thing. My mother isn’t trying to effect policy, or change the way evolution is taught in schools. She would open up her home to a homosexual or any other person who needed help. I guess my mother is one of the Christians (in my humble opinion) who ‘get’s it’.
2. Be humble. Empirical truths are few and far between. Have a little modesty when asserting what you believe.
3. Do not blindly reject all monotheistic religions. I happen to view religion and belief in God as 2 different things. There are good, human ideas to be learned from certain aspects of religion. If someone presents a good argument, consider it. Its very important to have a working knowledge of both sides of any argument. I reject many things in the Bible, but I do not reject everything. Educate yourself. Free your mind.
4. Don’t be afraid of differing opinions — even if they threaten to undermine something you hold close to your heart. If you believe in something violently, maybe you should ask yourself why.
5. Keep an open mind. As an unbeliever, you’d ask Christians and Muslims for the same respect wouldn’t you?