it’s hard to open up about your anxiety.

especially when they don’t believe in you.

I’m 14. And before even I’m 14, there is so many times in my life where I feel very anxious of everything! And I don’t know if that feeling were actually a disorder. And I thought I was just stress and panic. Apparently as I learned more about myself when I was 13, I realize I had anxiety. But it’s hard to really be honest to people you know close if they don’t want to believe you. Instead they would say things like “Isn’t real, it’s because you read too much and you act too much” “you over thinking. You just stress out” “meh, why you believe that?” And that is difficult to even let yourself open to your family cause of that. And in the sociality where I don’t really fit in, where should I go? Where should I go and tell people about the thing I struggle that in the end they didn’t give me any help, instead letting me down and it become a depression?

I am depressed because the family that I thought would be there for me won’t believe me even if I be honest. It’s hard to tell them the actually feeling you’ve had since the beginning of knowing myself. That I actually fear of my childhood memories in school, even I want to forget about it, but it too scary to be forgotten, and too painful to be remember. My school teacher that said I’m stupid and sometimes when I got an A on Math, they would thought I was cheating, instead the friend who taught me got B. I was discriminated because I wasn’t smart like the others. And that is a fear of mine when I was a kid, not being smart and being mocked by my friends. And well it outgoing till now. But I never were ambitious on being smart on subjects I can’t. But I tried to earn A of subjects I can.

The thing about my anxiety is that my family never understood me. They never learn about what mental illness is. And as a kid, I’ve had others thing than my fear of my childhood memories in school, but in my family. There’s a lot thing that my anxiety grew more and more because of my family, not that I’m saying I’m blaming my family but, I wish they would understand what I’m through right now and probably a long period of time. I can’t describe to you what the example are, because it’s hard for me to write it down here. But I want to write this to let them know about how I feel depressed being in a family that doesn’t really care about their daughter/sister that having a rough time in her teenage year. That my childhood was actually painful to be remembered and how during that time I don’t have someone to lean on all my feelings to them. Because I have nobody in a big family to be there for me during my painful time, because you know they won’t believe you as much as your writing believe in you. And writing won’t go anywhere, it will always stays for you until you stop.

There times I were depressed and started hurting myself with sharp edges, or maybe hitting my head and punch my arms to the wall many times and didn’t feel a pain. Instead the pain you are feeling is gone away from you. But it never were the answered for me to kill myself, or gone away. The only answer is my the people who’s around me to believe in me, not in themself. And I wish they would read this for me.