Lonely Nights & Weight Loss.
Probably the last two ideas you’d expect to see together. Well, fihi ma fihi. The past few months have been such a rush. I write today, 3 months and 14 days later, having had a mad, mad run on my ketosis journey. I’ve lost 23 kilograms (50 pounds) using a combination of dieting and exercise. I’ve stayed at a buddhist monastery in South Korea and learned more about Seon (Zen). I’ve hit a plateau and beat it. I’ve gone through some turbulent emotional times, both because of, and notwithstanding, keto.
Remember the naivety with which I remarked about how hunky-dory it has been for me so far? Well, that was right at the cusp of my descent into hell. When the keto-flu hit, it was bad. I felt this primal, animal rage swell up within me, and I walked around menacingly, like scrooge on methamphetamines. My face, throat and lungs hurt, and I put my loved ones through an incredibly tough time. Man. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy.
But then, there was something that kept me going. Now that I look upon this in retrospect, it would have been impossible for me to have survived this without a dream. Something to look forward to. A utopic ideal. It was simple.
Every time I looked at food, I thought to myself, “this is all the blowjobs that you aren’t getting.”
I understand you may have been expecting a nuanced, philosophical point. Sorry. But it really is what it is, right? I faced my inner prude — the little voice in my head hammering self-negating thoughts into me at all times. The fat had encase me in this protective shell of guilt, masquerading as piety, and had disconnected me from the full vitality of my self. This lack of connection expressed itself in my sexuality. I lived a life where I would routinely deny myself the simple joy of being able to fully experience my desires. I had no idea that these desires could be experienced in a way that is respectful to myself and others. If anything, the weight loss revealed this to me. Forget the fact that I’ve been addicted to carbohydrates and sugars. That is superfluous hum-drum compared to the damage my obesity had been racking on my psyche. Now, I finally faced my demons. Head on.
Making it through those first ten days was key. Then came the insatiable lust for movement and the manic energy that can only come about deep ketosis. I realize that that last sentence sounds straight out of an MDMA review at erowid, but fuck it. I can’t describe to you the rush and the feeling of liberation that washed over me when I discovered I could, amongst other things:
- Climb stairs without feeling like the world was going dark.
- Wake up at the same time every morning, excited about the day ahead.
- DO MOTHERFUCKIN’ YOGA!
I blitzed through 17 kilograms (37 pounds), fueled by multivatimin, psyllium husk, bullet coffee and chicken tikka infused madness. Then, in one of the most fortuitous events of my life’s journey, I got a chance to visit my sister in Seoul. She’s my pride and joy, and studies at the Underwood International College at Yonsei University. I had missed her so much, not having seen her in almost 2 years.
Korea was…incredibly weird. I couldn’t believe the fact that the entire corporate communications of the country had been excruciatingly cartoonized. Government edicts were delivered through comic strips. WTF? Thankfully, we got a lot of time to travel to the mountains, do glamorous camping (which really is a motel out in the woods when you come to think of it), travel to a hot springs resort and do a temple stay. We travelled to Magok-sa, one of the oldest temples of Seon (Zen) Buddhism. It was breathtaking and absolutely fascinating. The architecture, the guardians at the gates of heaven and hell, the simple tranquility of the sparkling stream circumambulating all around us, and the frank earnestness of the staff there all added up to a time I haven’t been able to explain. So I give it the label of transcendental. Who knows what the fuck the word means anyways?
Stepping out of my life was critical for me to realize the extreme stress that I’ve been facing quietly. Man. I had been literally killing myself at work. 3 jobs. 1 hobby. Ouch. But the most cleansing experience for me was eating vegan meals, only to shower in ice cold water at 3 am in preparation for meditation class. And then meditating. It was frustrating as hell, and my thoughts buzzed around like moths drawn to a flame. I persistently focused on my breath, bringing my focus back on the moment of the inception of the mind, until I got the hang of it. Now, I don’t know. I’m quiet on the subject until I examine the clusterfucks within my head. I wish I can travel to Magok-sa again someday in the future and explore this further.
The food was amazing, even if it meant I had to break my diet. Korea has such an immense variety of textures, tastes and colors in what they eat. I found little to no divide between ‘condiment’ and ‘main course.’ It was always a variety of things mixed and matched to give every bite a uniquely mindful custom flavor. OMG I LOVE CHOPSTICKS! Man. If the knife-and-fork is Protestant, chopsticks are truly Buddhist cutlery. Every bite is a story you create.
Upon my return I got back into my mad diet and again dropped weight. Until I hit a plateau. Those two weeks (one week spent losing no weight and discovering the plateau and another spent consulting with fellow ketosis buddies and tinkering with my diet) were pretty bad. I was anxious and had difficulty sleeping. I paced about day in day out and killed myself in the gym. But not a single kilo of weight was lost. Finally, I took the hard choice to take my own advice, study the diet further, use a keto calculator to discover my daily macronutrient limits, and get to work. Cheese. Coconut Oil. SO MUCH FAT. But I broke through.
I have so much clarity it feels like being constantly amped up. Now that I am in saner ketosis, everything is calmer. The gym hurts still, and I’ve been focusing on not more than 15 minutes of cardio and a fuck-ton of weight training, and I’m getting better at it. My body has opened up. My muscles feel capable of doing more. There’s a spring in my step, and people have noticed - nothing more ego aggrandizing than social validation. Yum. I’m going to enjoy my fifteen minutes of fame and bow. It’s a lonely enough journey as it is, so why waste it denying yourself your own vanity? Cheers!
