Goodbye Letters to My Body

When I die they will find notes hidden in the crevices of my skin

Fleshy letters drafted in ink saying that I was brave more times than I was scared

Hidden confessions authored by guilt — why didn’t I love myself more…? — nestled in the glorious creases of a half smiling stomach

Under my eyes will be carved-out soft spaces for love poems; poetry written for all the colors, the bright light, and energy I was blessed to see

My arms will be stenciled with a never-ending list that details all of the embraces that they were privileged to know. A list dotted with freckles that brought out my boldness and soft follicles that prickled with every kiss, reminding me how good bits of body can be

They will have to dig even deeper to uncover the scrolls tucked in my thighs written on pink flabby trunks that I religiously disliked but kept me faithfully anchored anyway. Without me ever having to ask.

And these words will spell out a reminder: you can’t run from everything

But unearthing the volumes squirreled away in the vaulted, chipped crawlspace of my mind will be the most exhausting of treasure hunts. If you persist you will eventually find my heart written in the margins. And all of these salvaged stories will welcome you and murmur to you, you were loved and I was loved,

But these raw and honest love letters will be the hardest to find. Don’t stop looking

Combing through the crumpled papers stuffed inside my skull you will also find scrawled out scribbles and erratically curled consonants and embarrassingly eager vowels and messy odds and ends of words clumped into categories and the genre may appear to be something like “frantic revelations” or “manic sputterings” but the real message is that this was my body. And love always lived here. It always lived somewhere in the cubbyholes of this warm, forgiving skin. Especially when I struggled to believe it

The very last note reads: I was lucky to live here and in the end I’m sad to leave this imperfect and beautiful body of mine. I wish I had treated her better but I will always love her even when I can’t keep her close