On Becoming Social, Part 1

For the individual who has gone through most of his life being less social than others, switching gears is no trivial matter. In general, being social takes work. Becoming social after years of being relatively unsocial feels even more daunting. At this point, habits are hardened. Fears and anxieties quick to surface. It’s much easier and much more comfortable not to change. Inertia is powerful.

But…

I think for most of us, there is some yearning to connect with others. Healthy relationships, both small “r” and big “R”, feel good emotionally. An added bonus is that they’re also good for physiological health. I may be telling you something you already know, but it bears mentioning.

So we want these connections. But these connections take sustained effort (effort we may not be accustomed to) and a leap of faith. What can we do?

I’ve found that the answer is simple, but it’s not easy. Like anything else we want to be good at, we need to practice. I could tell you, “Just walk up to five strangers a day and start a conversation” or “Just be confident and ask her out on a date”, but that ignores psychology.

Behavioral economics has shown that people are generally loss averse, meaning that we respond more strongly to losses than to proportional gains (as illustrated below).

I would wager that the loss aversion curve for emotional losses is even steeper.

Rejection is a special kind of pain. It is lingering and it is vivid. It makes you think twice before exposing yourself again.

Hmm. We want to take action, but how do we navigate this impasse? How do we take this leap of faith?

One method that has worked for me is acknowledging my fears and insecurities out loud. Like most people, I would prefer to bury them deep down inside and pretend they’re not there. By acknowledging these fears, by saying “This scares the shit out of me”, I feel as if they have less control over me. It can bring my anxiety down from a 6 to a more manageable 4. I can then walk up to a group of co-workers and join in on a conversation. In my experience, once we get started, it’s not nearly as bad as we make it out to be. But we have to get over that first hurdle.

Another method that has worked for me is to embrace the uncertainty. When we put ourselves out there, we have now given up some amount of control and made ourselves vulnerable. As frightening as that may seem, I want to help you realize that it’s ok. You have to take some chances in life, because the cost of standing still is often greater than the cost of trying and failing. An often-suggested method for improving social skills is to be confident or to project confidence. This does us a disservice at times by ignoring the truth that we don’t actually know the outcome of our actions. On the Tim Ferriss Show, Debbie Millman said, “In order to take that first step, you need courage and that’s much more important than confidence.” I believe this whole-heartedly. Please, be courageous enough to take that first step, despite the uncertainty. It won’t always work out, but the opportunities that are waiting on the other side are worth the risk.

Once you start taking the first step, whatever that entails, it will slowly become easier and easier. This previously mentioned practice that we need will start to shallow out the emotional loss aversion curve so that when we do face subsequent rejections, they won’t sting quite as badly as before. And in turn, that will make the next first step easier, which will shallow out the curve even more, and so on and so on. We’re now on our way to more and better human connections.