On being Christian. Then Jewish. Then Christian again.
My conversation with Mikki Halpin for GLAMOUR Magazine.
Virginia Heffernan, 47, the author of Magic and Loss: The Internet as Art, converted to Judaism when she got married. When the relationship ended, the New Yorker converted back.
In my twenties I called myself a moderately devout Episcopalian. I had a sturdy faith, but I went to church only on Easter or Christmas. Then my fiancé, who was raised as an Orthodox Jew and wanted his children to be matrilineally Jewish, asked me to convert before we married. And so at age 33 I began converting to Conservative Judaism. It’s a complex process. As part of the ritual, the rabbi turned me away three times. I had to study the Torah for a year and reject holidays like Christmas.
At first I thought my conversion would be like moving from Illinois to Indiana, a practical adjustment; but it was much stranger, like moving from Illinois to the color blue. A prayer from childhood would come to mind, and I would think, No, no, you’re Jewish now, you can’t do that. Converting tore me up inside and caused tension in my marriage. My husband wanted me to try harder; I wanted him to appreciate what I had already done, learned, and given up.
Our marriage ended, and when it did, I went to my rabbi and asked, “What will become of me?” He looked very sad. Eventually I decided to go back to the Episcopal Church. For Episcopalians, conversion can be as simple as accepting Jesus, but because the Jewish conversion was so arduous, I liked the idea of marking the passage back with a ceremony called reconciliation. My priest put his hand on my forehead and said, “You’re forgiven” — for apostasy, or turning my back on my religion — “and you never need to be forgiven again.” I still cry when I think about it.
In coming back to the church, I feel like I have returned home. Now my belief is a blend of Christian contemplative traditions with Eastern meditative practices. And, I know this is trippy, but as someone who has always found a mysticism in the idea of a collective unconscious, I also put faith in the Internet. I have found relief from loneliness and inspiration online. Wherever you find faith, appreciate it.
