Stage A Comeback: Admitting that I had an eating disorder, fighting those demons and flourishing.
I sit here looking back at photos from my youth, and I’m honestly not sure how it all happened. I look like a completely different person, almost as if it’s an alternate universe. In general, I was a very happy kid. My home life was great. My friends would tell you that I was the life of the party, a joker. We all drank Mountain Dew and ate Nacho Cheese Doritos at sleepovers. Pizza was a constant staple. But unlike my peers I had developed an unhealthy relationship with food. When and where that toxicity crept in I can’t quite pinpoint, but it infiltrated my mind and body and it has taken me over 13 years to extract it.
When you’re in the midst of any kind of addiction, or disease, it can be hard to see it. You’re so wrapped up in it, and you can justify just about anything. Thinking back on it now, I can remember getting home from school, or lounging around on the weekends with a bag of chips. A “normal” person may have a handful, and then be done and on their way. It’s kind of hard at this point in my life to tap into my mind space way back then, but I can remember the feeling and thought process of “snacking” to the point of fullness. It never was really just a snack. I’d eat and eat with no mindfulness whatsoever.
After bulldozing through life with extremely poor habits like that, I hit 285 pounds by the time football season rolled around during my senior year. At this point, sure, the ramifications of being so overweight had taken a toll, mentally and physically. I was bullied on the school bus. I loved playing basketball with my friends, and so badly wanted to play for my High School but I didn’t, because I was too embarrassed to go through “shirts and skins” practices. I always got along with girls at school, but was stuck in a cyclical “friend zone” with them. I had to buy shirts big enough so that when the fronts hit my chest it didn’t expose the embarrassing mounds underneath.
I finally hit a breaking point, and enough was enough. Once football season ended, tennis was up next. I was a late bloomer with the sport. I got into it for the first time after I was a sophomore. I joined simply because the coach, who had been substitute teaching one of my classes suggested I try it out. To my surprise, I was actually pretty good, even at the weight I was at. I hated the before-practice running loop around the courts, because any kind of running at that weight was torture. But, when I was on the court, the game came pretty natural. And, with all that running around, it led to some weight loss.
Right about at that time was when my Mom started doing Weight Watchers. She had some great early success, and she brought her knowledge home to me. She walked me through the nutrition and the “points” allotted each day. We also started doing weekly weigh-ins at home. Each week, I was losing a handful of pounds or so, and it was so exciting and inspiring. It drove me and it also helped me on the tennis court as well, so it was a win-win. By the time summer ended and I was to embark on my college journey I was down to 225 pounds.
Towards the end of the football season I was being recruited by a coach at Augsburg College to play football there. When we had spoken was when I was still 285 pounds. Needless to say when I arrived for training camp before school started the coaches were surprised. I was kind of stuck between positions. I had played offensive line my entire football life, but had always romanced the idea of playing Tight End, a “fun” position. Catching passes, scoring touchdowns! I honored the original sentiment of playing on the line though, and as a freshman ended up playing some JV-type games but never really fit in.
The Head Coach who recruited me to the school retired after my first season, and I never really had the burning desire at Augsburg like I did in Red Wing, with the group of guys I had grown up with. What I did gain though, was a respect for weight lifting, hitting the gym hard and seeing results. I was as strong as I’d ever been and that led me to a new passion: fitness and nutrition.
When I think back to the dawn of my healthy lifestyle, it’s a double-edged sword. I became obsessed with it. I loved it. I was on the Bodybuilding.com forums every day, learning as much as I could. What to eat, when to eat, what types of cardio exercises attack fat loss the best, what muscles to train each day and how often? I was knee deep. It consumed me.
This is the part where I’m going to be vulnerable and revealing. It’s tough to share all of this, but I think it’s therapeutic and I hope and pray that someone who reads this needs it in that moment. After a handful of months, I had brought my weight down from 225 “skinny fat” when I arrived at school, to an all-time low of 185. I had definition in my arms, most of my belly fat was gone and abs were even starting to poke through. I had confidence unlike any time in my life, and girls were noticing me. It was awesome! But that success had also opened a door for a slow-burning, venomous disease that took me far too long to acknowledge: an eating disorder.
I had bought a food scale to more accurately track calories, and try to hit certain marks based on calculators I found online. I weighed everything. My fruit, even my green veggies. I didn’t really think it was a problem until I started skipping out on lunches and dinners with friends so I could make sure I didn’t go over my daily allotments. Sure, I was getting as lean as I’ve ever been, but it was alienating me from people. And then, it ramped up to a full-fledged eating disorder.
It almost seems like a dream now, thinking back to it. At first it was binging. I was so anal about the foods I ate and my calorie counts each week, that when I got to Friday, not only did I have a “cheat day” I’d have a cheat weekend. A binge until I’m stuffed, wait an hour or two, and do it again type deal. I’d feel terrible about it too. I’d try to ditch out on engagements the following day because I thought my face was too “puffy” and “bloated.” Even worse? I made myself throw up sometimes after big binges. It only happened a handful of times, somehow even in my messed up food-relationship mind state I could hear the alarms going off after a purge that this was not OK. I remember doing it once in the bathroom trying to be quiet while my roommate was out in the living room, it was that important to rectify my food gorge.
From that point on after college I went on a roller coaster of fitness, nutrition and weight gain/loss. I squashed the bulimic traits, but still battled binges. I’d go three months eating well, counting calories and hitting the gym. I’d lose 15–20 pounds and then I’d miss a day. That day would turn into a week, and the week into a month and I’d fallen off the train. My working out was always synonymous with my eating as well. If I didn’t work out, then I rarely ate well. Or, I’d count for 3 days, then binge one night, and then rinse and repeat. I’d gain some weight back and be cranky at home with my family.
This brings me to my second breaking point in this transformation, and the one where I really broke through. After years of thinking I could do this all by myself, I finally realized I needed professional help. I needed to fix my mind, and my relationship with food. After all, I’m married and I have two young daughters. They cannot see me struggle with these things, and plant sinister seeds of doubt and critiques into their minds.
Over the course of the last year I saw both a Therapist and Dietician. We talked about so many things. I was completely honest, and took in every bit of advice they gave me applying everything I could to slowly erase the hard-coded thoughts and eating disorder tendencies that had sunken themselves into my brain. Each week I had a few things to work on, and yes, I failed some. I initially resisted giving up using the calorie tracking app MyFitnessPal, but knew I’d never truly beat this if I didn’t. Portion size was hard at first, I’d even peek at my wife’s plate, then add some. Eventually I got to a point where I try and just listen to my body. If I’m hungry, I eat. Over time, I’ve finally gained the one thing I’ve never had: feeling normal when it comes to eating food. Gone are terms like “cheat day” or “good” or “bad” food. I’ve learned to enjoy treats from time to time, and not to feel bad about trips to Five Guys for burgers and fries. In the past, I’d often pass up chances at foods I’d consider “bad” (like cake or donuts at work) even if I truly wanted it in that moment. For me, burying that desire would often cause a binge later. So, rather than telling myself no when these infrequent occasions of treats arise, if I want it, I eat it. It will all balance out! (I do want to make a point here that some people do just fine with counting calories or macros, I’m not saying it’s wrong, it can absolutely be beneficial, but for me I just couldn’t anymore.)
It’s hard for me to admit all of this, and put it out there, but I’m so thankful to be at the point where I am today, finally feeling like I have control of my life from a food standpoint. Both physically and mentally. I am so thankful for the help and guidance from my wife since the start of all of this. She first endured the emotional ups and downs that came with my diets and phases. After getting help, she’s been so patient and has listened to so many questions from me. I’m grateful that she and my Mother-In-Law really urged me to finally get help, and for my Mom and Dad who have also been great support throughout the process. There were so many misconceptions, thoughts and bad habits stocked up in a pile in the crevices of my brain that needed to be discovered, prodded and reformed to “normal” thinking. I still battle certain thoughts and feelings here and there, I’m a work in progress. I definitely still have my moments of struggle, those will be ongoing. I still catch myself trying to guess calories on some things, but luckily catch myself and squash it. But, over a year later I have not logging into a calorie counting app and have dropped from a sluggish and grumpy 234 down to an energized, life-loving 198.
I am so thankful to work for Life Time Corporate, with a company that empowers and encourages health. I have access to their amazing facilities and vast variety of classes. I’ve had so much help from some of the coaches/trainers there (Tessa Foss and Dan Hove, specifically) and I’m truly in the best shape of my life.
Finally, I feel like I have full control of myself. My confidence, productivity and energy levels are at an all-time peak and it has bolstered all aspects of my life. Most importantly I am truly happy and now feel I can be the best husband and father I can be.
My main hope is that something in this reaches out and grabs someone who needs it, and helps them turn a corner. It is OK to come to the realization that you do need help, and that you may not be able to do this alone. I did and getting help was the best decision I ever made. I realize that even after reading this, you may not be ready to fully admit you’re there. It’s hard. I remember thinking “I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life, aren’t I? I’ll never know what it’s like to eat like a normal person.” But you you can, and I’d be happy to help you in any way that I can.
If you feel like following along on my health and fitness journey, or would like to ask me any questions, I have an Instagram account dedicated to all of that here!
Thank you for reading.
