Unsolicited Advice
Hi Young Rachel!
It’s me, Older Rachel, ya know, from the future. First off, to put your mind at ease, we do age well. In the future it becomes cool to eat lots of cheese and wear leggings. So don’t worry, we’ve totally got this.
Anyway, the main reason I’m writing this letter is because I want to help you navigate the world with more confidence and better hair. I decided to throw together a quick list of lessons learned and I’m hoping that this information will be both reassuring and will help you avoid some pitfalls. Knowing you I’m pretty sure you will not take any of this advice — like when mom told you not to take that ice-skating elective in college because you’d break your leg but you did anyway and you snapped your tibia on the first day — but it’s worth a shot.
Here goes it -
1. Fitting into Abercrombie & Fitch jeans is not an accomplishment! Don’t crave sameness; love yourself as you are. Focus more on being brave than being “beautiful.”
2. You actually like sushi! Don’t waste time thinking you hate it without even trying it.
3. In your teenage years you’ll start battling anorexia and bipolar disorder and as you can imagine these illnesses will threaten to tear you apart. And sometimes they will. These illnesses are incurable and cyclical so you will have to manage them your entire life but over time you learn how to own your illnesses and you reclaim your identity from these disorders. Please note that this process is expedited when you A) stop doing drugs B) start sleeping and C) take your medications as prescribed. Remember, success doesn’t mean you will be symptom free.
4. When it comes to trauma, just know that it wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault. I know it is hard but please believe that.
5. If you want to get tattoos save your money so you can find a decent artist! You learn this in your late 20’s but not before getting an early 2000s-style tribal sun tramp stamp. Just because the woman who runs the shop is gorgeous doesn’t mean you should get new tattoos as an excuse to talk to her!
6. On a related note — sexuality is often confusing. Invest more time in learning how to genuinely talk to potential romantic partners.
7. On a related-related note — bisexuality is a thing! You don’t have to justify your sexual identity. Just go for it, tiger!
8. Bangs are a bad idea. Whether they are trendy or not, bangs are a terrible idea. You just don’t have a face for bangs and that is perfectly ok (see number 12).
9. You are allergic to coconut. Stop pretending you’re not and stop tempting fate. Put down the Samoas.
10. “Fat” is not a feeling. You are taught that being fat means you should feel ashamed but it is ok to take up space. Being healthy does not necessarily mean being thin. Remember, you need to prioritize both your physical health and emotional health. Hating your body and dangerous dieting will trigger your eating disorder and you are worth more than being consumed by this disease.
11. Be proud of who you are and what you accomplish. Take credit for your achievements. Just wait and see, you’re gonna be a doctor.
12. Therapy and lots of it. It’s the best way to find yourself. And you will find that you are fucking fabulous.
13. Watch out! In the future people will try to trick you into thinking kale is amazing. It is gross; avoid it at all costs.
14. Be kind to yourself. Always. We all make mistakes, it’s how we grow.
15. Give up all hobbies that involve wheels and/or blades. You are clumsy and top heavy and that is perfectly ok (see number 12).
With Love,
Older, wiser, and sporting much better tattoos, Rachel
P.S. I almost forgot and this is exciting! In the future people start subscribing to this liberating concept called “body positivity,” which results in a lot of wonderful societal attitudinal shifts regarding bodies, beauty, and autonomy — including the realization that anyone can pull off a crop top and shaving your legs is optional! See, things do get better.
P.P.S. Don’t limit yourself to just eating string cheese. You have a refined palate when it comes to dairy and there’s lots of cheese out there!
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