Who Hurt You, Everybody?

Seriously, everybody: Who hurt you?

People who prefer blackberries to raspberries, who hurt you?

People who prefer raspberries to blackberries, same question.

People who wear T-shirts and sweater vests in the winter, who hurt you? Was it a bear? Did a grizzly bear attack you while you were hiking one time and tear off your sleeves before you managed to escape? Do you now shun long sleeves because you’re afraid of attracting other bears?

Who hurt you, climate change deniers? Was it a snowman that melted too soon?

Women still complaining about being left at the altar seven years ago, who hurt you? Did I hurt you? When I didn’t show up for our wedding? As I thought I made clear soon after that, it wasn’t you, it was me. I was the one who didn’t want to get married. Not then, anyway. I’ve since gotten married, as you might have heard.

Who hurt you, Batman? Was it the petty thug who gunned down your parents in a cold, dark alley when you were just a boy, leaving you an orphan? Was it the Joker? Was it the Riddler? The Penguin? Poison Ivy? Two-Face? Catwoman? Egghead, as portrayed by Vincent Price? Was it Superman? Was it Joel Schumacher?

People who use bar soap exclusively and absolutely refuse to even try body wash, who hurt you?

People who keep your socks on during sex, who hurt you?

Who hurt you, vegans? Did a chicken throw an egg at you? Or was it a cow that hurt you? That really doesn’t make sense, though. If a cow hurt you, then wouldn’t you want to exact revenge by eating its delicious flesh?

People who will argue that dispensing toilet paper in an overhand fashion is more economical, who hurt you?

People who visit an art museum, glare a painting in the abstract expressionist style, and mutter, “My kid could do that,” who hurt you?

People who take offense to being wished “Happy holidays,” who hurt you? Was it Santa? Was it one of his elves?

People who write in the newspaper, who hurt you? I don’t mean people who write for a newspaper. I mean people who write comments on the copy of a newspaper that they’re reading. Even if it’s your newspaper — your copy, I mean — why do you do that? I’m guessing it’s because someone hurt you, and now I’d like to know who that was.

People who don’t use Oxford commas, who hurt you? Was it two prostitutes, your mom and your sister?

People whose murders have never been solved, who hurt you?