Why Are You Always Happy? Always Upbeat? Always Positive?
She asked, “Why are You Always Happy? Always Upbeat? Always Positive?”
“I’m not always, actually. I’m not always happy or upbeat or positive… That’s the side of me you see and have come to know. And it’s generally true. There is no point what-so-ever in heaping any of my crap on someone else when they have their own crap to deal with. That’s not the only reason though.”
And so I tried to explain.
I developed a love of learning when I was young. I did not want to be stupid anymore and I put myself on a rigid schedule to help me learn. It worked. It took years in fact. And in the process, I fell in love with curiosity and discovery; with turning things around with new knowledge, insight, and skills.
Learning now lights my fire every day. I awaken with curiosity’s calls and I go to bed seduced by the intertwining of all the day’s discoveries, contemplations, and unanswered queries.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve also become more self- and other-aware. This has made me less of a worrier, a plague that has consumed the lives of the women in my family for at least three generations. Awareness has also made me calmer, more observant and increasingly more self-reflective. If there were a chart to measure this growth, I would have exceeded its scale moons and planets ago.
When eating out with my young sons, I’d look at dining families and guests, observing their interactions, body language, and more. My sons would forever tell me to stop staring. I’d forever reply, “I’m not staring. I’m learning.” Sometimes, my sons would spot a tear or two bring a sorrowful shine to my eyes. “Mom, why are you crying?” they’d ask.
“Because I can see a new picture of what love and togetherness is.”
Love and togetherness look different to everyone, but love and togetherness are birthed in beautiful acceptance, understanding, caring, sacrifice, and in a meal called family.
I’m a problem-solver by nature, so when difficulties arise, I immediately look for solutions and I don’t give up until I find at least a few viable options.
Call it risk management, project management, self-management. In solving problems, one is always learning, figuring out, dissecting and piecing together anew. When my firstborn could not sleep laying down and no doctor could offer a solution, I sat in a chair with him each night. I held him so that his little belly rested squarely on my shoulder and so he slept almost upright, on the vertical mattress I created for him with blankets and sheets hung over the back of the chair. I did that for three years until he could sleep horizontally. The other solutions I tried all failed and so this was it.
I only dropped him once. Sorry, love.
There have been periods when the person you see today went away.
When I was wounded in a dysfunctional marriage and lost the color in my eyes, my clothes, and my heart.
When life was seemingly shattered by a diagnosis for both sons that I would need a brain shift and heart transplant to come to terms with.
Way, way back when I was an illegal immigrant who was afraid to report a sexual assault that left me clothed in secret guilt and shame, while my attacker walked free.
When.
When.
When…
But, I’m the person who can be upset and crying and still interject something funny that moves us both to laughter…
You see, I just only know how to be me.
And that me is so thankful for life and love and all that the heavens give daily. I’m thankful for this moment with you, listener, reader, and friend. I’m thankful for the transience and transformation of sorrows even as they slash the heart. I’m thankful for growth and change and knowing that every moment is a moment of rejoicing; that we are here, right now, and able to give and ripen as splendidly sweet fruits on the tree of life.
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