Yoga Meltdown
Originally published on The Spark
Hello everyone, and welcome to yoga flow. My name is Prasanna Goldblatt and I will be leading you through your journey today. Let’s begin with a sun salutation. Open your arms wide to the warm, welcoming power of love, then feel rejection and curl into a little ball of hurt and anger. Wide, warm, love, then rejection, tiny, ball. Wonderful embodiment of rejection, Jane.
A soothing DONG noise
Moving into downward dog. Hands down, hips hiiiiigh up in the air, emulating the position I found my husband in with the babysitter yesterday. Beautiful positioning, Ted. Very viscerally dog-like.
A soothing DONG noise
As a supportive group let’s now transition into standing splits, all the better to give a faithless husband access to your cheap, 19-year old nether regions. This is a challenging pose to maintain balance in, much like how it’s hard to balance the slow failure of your long-term relationship with any semblance of emotional stability.
Exxxhallle happiness, then innnhale the pieces of your shattered life. Nicely done, folks. Let that breath go, just as you let it go when your husband flirted with your sister while you were actively in labor with his first-born son. Just releassssse it and do not ever address it again. Sublime.
A soothing DONG noise
Let us descend into Warrior One, or as I sometimes call it, I will fight you tooth and nail for every joint piece of property down to the used pieces of floss in the bathroom trash. We hold the power to win these battles in our hips. Thank you for your trust everyone; I honor you.
A soothing DONG noise
Now elevate into a backbend, literally bending over backwards to please someone who feels no human emotions and is most likely is a sociopath. Very nice Carole, I can tell from your backbend that you also have a partner who never lets you choose the movie on Netflix. EVER.
A soothing DONG noise
Rather than traditional ommms today, let’s try an extended ohhhhhhh. Just relax and maybe never even get married in the first place. Ready?
Ohhhhh How could you do this to me you treacherous tarantula of a person Ohhhh I will set fire to the house and car rather than let you have them Ohhhhhh you have tangled with the wrong spiritually aware yogi Ohhhhhhhhhh….
A soothing DONG noise
And finally, ending with child’s pose. Go back to that moment in time when had not yet made the choices that would ruin your life in the future. Sit back in the pose, release your hips and refuse to be debased by a man who wears AXE body spray. Promise me, please, class. Because that’s just good life advice in general.
Namaste.
A soothing DONG noise
