Jessica Furtney @ Unsplash

I hate my own insecurities

But I cannot help living with them till now.

Oxford Dictionaries says that insecurity as “Uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence”. So, why suddenly I feel want to talk about it? And why “my own insecurities”?

Several days ago, my hearts hurt really bad because I see someone suddenly doing better than me in some area that I wish I could be great.

Snap! My mind was blank.

I feel so lost.

But you know.. I actually know that it’s so stupid to feel like that.

I resent myself. I scold myself. I say that “You should train yourself more and more if you wanna get better and better to be a great one!”

But what running fast through my brain and blood is, “Look! S/he doing better than you just in a wink time! Look! You have been meddling and juggling in this area how long? Nearly 10 years! Look! You still bad and sh*t.”

My eyes were so hot. I wish I could cry that time. But I couldn’t.

Later, I’m trying to create something so I could prove to myself that I’m not that bad yet I cannot creating something that satisfy myself. I’m trying-trying-and-keep-trying, but none of them actually work. So I choose to stop doing that what I called “training”.

I wish I could head-banging really hard to my desk. But I can’t.

It’s been 21 years since I was born.

I have been questioning, “What kind of creation that I could delivered to this world? So I could contributing to make this world better?”

I have been think-think-and-thinking thoughtfully

And until now I can’t spew out the answer. Even I can’t say what kind of creation that I can promise I will delivered to this world.

I hate it when I know that I should “fake it until you make it” and “training-learning more and more”, I could not make it happen. Because when I see someone close to me running faster, my body and my mind stopped and cannot do more.

I hate it and I need a lot of time to recovering from that stupid state.

I never feel satisfied with my own. 
But I never running fast to change it.

I seldom praise my own things. 
But I wish that somebody will praise it.

I hardly hold out learning new things. 
But I desire to create something new.

Stupid me. Stupid me

This post maybe sound so ridiculous to you.

This post is ridiculous because it’s written by me.
This post is ridiculous because it’s written in primordial English.
This post is ridiculous because it’s didn’t give a solution.

Good bye.