How many Times a day do I say “I Love you”?

Love is a concept that people have been writing about for centuries. Living life trying to define, understand and express. I, like most, have spent my adolescent life trying to grasp my definition of love.

My journey began in middle school when my friends started telling each other that they loved one another. A nonchalant goodbye ended with an “I love you.” Those three words carried so much meaning. Do they actually love me? What is love?

At the time, I only understood love as what I had seen on TV. The protagonist waits till the end of the movie to say the three big words. Hiding how he felt throughout the entire film like his feelings were a secret that was embarrassing to tell.

So, watching my classmates throw around these words as if they were nothing, never really sat well with me.

For a long time, I promised myself that I wouldn’t say “I love you” as if it meant nothing because to me they meant a lot. Everything that I had read, seen, and heard had told me the same.

I had no definition of what love was, I just knew that it was something sacred. Something that had to be rationed and saved for the right moments, like in the movies.

I went through most of my middle school and high school career with this mentality.

Ironically, you can't really express a feeling you dont know how to define. I didn't feel like I could tell if I loved someone, as I expected it to be this overwhelmingly clear aha feeling.

Then, I graduated, in the mists of a global pandemic. I started college remotely and spent my days inside and alone. Like most, this was a period of realization. I went through a lot of introspective work, investigating other people's definitions and experiences with love. One day I saw a quote that said “ love is a decision.” As corny as it may sound, I felt like everything clicked. All these pieces I had been collecting throughout my life fell into their corresponding place.

I began to realize that love isn’t this mystical feeling that just appears. It’s a decision you make every day, you choose to love somebody. You decide to call them, send them a song, or tell them that you love them. Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. It's a way of living, living in love.

Looking back, I wish someone would have told me that, saying “I love you” multiple times doesn't take away from its significance. It means what you want it to mean whether you say it once or every day.

I vowed to give genuine “I love yous” more frequently but as they say, old habits die hard. I was so accustomed to rationing love, saying it when the moment was right that my body was conditioned to hold back. Although, I've slightly broken through this wall. I'm still reminded of the girls from my middle school.

I thought it would be interesting to record the number of times I said I love you over the span of two weeks. I wanted to see how many times I could break through the wall and make the decision to love.

Throughout this process, I used a notebook to take a tally of the times that I said “I love you” to a group of people. In this case, it was my mom, dad, boyfriend and dog. I used different flowers to signify what they represent in my life. My boyfriend- the rose, represents romance and connection. My mother- the daisy, represents freedom and growth. My father- the greenery represents strength and health. My dog- the sunflower represents joy and sunshine.

Throughout this tally, I wasnt surprised to find that I say “I love you” not as often as I would like. Ideally, the vases would be overflowed with colorful bouquets. Having all the collected information in a visualization allowed me to learn a couple things about myself. For one, the most consistent person that i expressed i love you to was my boyfriend. This allowed me to introspect and realize that a lot of what has been shown to me throughout my life has advertized romantic relationships, not family relationships or friendships (specifically having to do with love).

I wondered if the only thing that was affecting my expression was this wall I built or was it something associated with my emotions. So, along with recording how many times I said I love you. I recorded my emotions throughout those two weeks.

I realized that it was harder for me to break through this wall if I was in a bad mood. The days I was happy had a larger frequency of occurrences. The days I was sick, stressed or tired had a lower amount.

Overall, this project brought a lot of insight into my journey with love. I cant say that my journey will ever end my it definitely will evolve.