Imperial College most likely to get an STI (I know I’m surprised too…)

As the time for A-level students to choose their unis fast approaches, we’ve decided that students need more info about their prospective unis than this student satisfaction bulls**t. So we have compiled an Alternative Uni League Table that cuts all crap and gets straight to those all important topics; the price of a pint, how attractive your classmates will be and what the chances of you getting lucky.

While Imperial students may be the most likely to catch something a bit dodge, it appears that their neighbours at LSE are a little more fortunate. Based on the most swipes right on Tinder, LSE tops the chart as the most attractive uni with their academic rivals — Oxford — coming in close second. Warwick, on the other hand, have had an absolute shocker; being ranked as the least attractive university. This was recently backed up a Warwick graduate in The University Paper, who commented; “from my time at Warwick, this seems like an accurate ranking”. A pretty damning summary of her uni friends…

Top 50 in the Alternative Uni League Table

Although LSE, Oxford and Leeds have the hottest students, anyone looking to get lucky only need book a train to Brighton, where the students average 10.59 sexual partners. At the bottom of the category is Surrey with just over 3 sexual partners. It’s unsurprising that they’re also one of the least likely unis to get an STI and are 40th when it comes to attractiveness too. Awks.

Next up, the price of the pint. A cheaper pint is surely going to improve your chances of laid, or so you would think… The Northern and Scottish unis obviously top the chart with pints as cheap as £2, however it doesn’t seem to be improving their game sadly.

If you find your uni at the top of the heap for Best SU for nightlife, don’t get too smug. “Best Union” might just translate into “worst nightlife.” Cardiff, Loughborough, and Dundee lead the way, while notorious party cities Kent, Bristol, and Birmingham bring up the rear. Your Union might be crap because, let’s face it, you’ve got better things to do at night. The St Andrews Tab certainly saw the upside of having a rubbish SU nightlife quoting ‘at least less than 2% of us have an STI’. And they beat Edinburgh overall — which is crucial.

Bottom 50 in the Alternative Uni League Table

Overall Leeds tops the table for fit students and cheap beer, which seem like pretty good reasons to me. But if you already at uni and it’s not at the top of the table, chances are you will be outraged — just think though, you could be at the University of Kent…

For any complaints please go to: stoptakingyourlifesoseriously.com