Concerning the Large Asteroid Headed Straight for Earth

Moderator: Thank you to everyone joining us in California as well as online for this emergency briefing. With me today is NASA scientist, David Ramsey, an Administrator here at JPL in Pasadena. Mr. Ramsey?

Administrator Ramsey: Good morning. This morning at 8am, Pacific Standard Time, NASA astronomers detected the presence of an asteroid, roughly the size of the North American continent, entering our solar system at an extremely high rate of speed. Based on the trajectory and velocity of this asteroid, our scientists are predicting that it will make direct contact with our planet sometime around noon tomorrow. Our scientists, and scientists from around the world, are projecting that all animal and plant life will be terminated immediately upon the asteroid’s impact. I’ll open the floor for questions.

Holmes, reporter #1: Allie Holmes with KTLA. How long has NASA been tracking this asteroid and why did you wait so long to inform the public?

Administrator Ramsey: We first learned of this asteroid, really, just this morning. I assure you, there’s no one more surprised than by this development than us here at NASA. Personally, I just closed on a new house yesterday. This was the last thing I expected to learn walking into work this morning.

Leesman, reporter #2: Steve Leesman, LA Times. You say you closed on a house yesterday?

Administrator Ramsey: Yes.

Leesman, reporter #2: Where was the house?

Administrator Ramsey: Well, that’s not…that has nothing to do with the asteroid, but in the San Rafael Hills, just right down the road here from Pasadena.

Higgenrath, reporter #3: Administrator Ramsey, this is Jon Higgenrath from Reuters. I’m interested to know how you found your house in San Rafael? Personally, I’ve not seen anything decent come on the market in that whole 91208 area in quite a while. Your thoughts?

Administrator Ramsey: Yeah, well, it’s a seller’s market. We were one of the lucky few. But it wasn’t easy, we’d been looking for months.

Higgenrath, reporter #3: Months? I’ve been looking for two years! I’m in a 2 bedroom apartment in Hollywood with three kids. My wife just had twins! There is nothing, I mean, nothing out there!

Moderator: I’d just like to remind those members of our press pool who are local Angelenos that this briefing is being streamed worldwide. So let’s just stick to questions pertaining to the asteroid.

Applebaum, reporter #4: Just to follow up on Jon’s question. Jon, have you asked your agent about pocket listings?

Sethi, reporter #5: Vishnu Sethi, AP. The “pocket listing” thing’s overrated. In this market, a seller would be shooting themselves in the foot if they didn’t list it and try to get as many buyers as they could.

Moderator: Just to clarify for our foreign viewers: a “pocket listing” is a property that is being sold but isn’t being advertised. They are highly coveted items, but just…I don’t know anyone who’s actually bought a house from one. I’ve heard rumors…but if we could just circle back for a minute, I want to re-emphasize the fact that around noon tomorrow, all human, animal and vegetable life on this planet will be extinguished, forever. Are there any questions about the asteroid?

Pierson, reporter #6: How do you think the asteroid will affect interest rates and the housing market?

Block, reporter #7: (shouting) How’s the walkability in San Rafael?

Administrator Ramsey: It’s good, actually. Wide sidewalks, bike lanes. You’re kind of up, so the views are ridiculous. But you’re still close to theaters. Close to shopping. The 134’s right there. It was an awesome, awesome house. I was really hoping to survive long enough to move in to it.

Block, reporter #7: How’re the schools?

Administrator Ramsey: Not great.

Reporters: Ohhhhhhhhh.

A wave of relieved satisfaction washes over the assembled press corps.

Lafayette, reporter #8: As a man of science, how do you reconcile sending your children to an underperforming school?

Administrator Ramsey: My kids go to private school.

A long uncomfortable silence as the press corps silently judges Ramsey.

Someone whispers: ‘And he’s a government employee…’

Moderator: Okay, well, if that’s the last of the questions, I guess we’ll wrap up. Sorry we didn’t have better news for everyone. There’s nothing much left to do at this stage but gather your loved ones, hug them close, and give them your final goodbye. Oh, and congratulations to Administrator Ramsey on his new house.