In 2016, I’ve Been Answering “How Are You?” With Brutal Honesty
This is what’s happened.
“How are you?”
It’s the question we’re all asked most often: at work, at parties, in the sauna at the gym by some dude you really don’t know who really grunts a lot while he’s pumping iron.
But we never answer honestly. Or at least I don’t. And I definitely don’t answer thoroughly enough to convey how I’m really feeling.
I say, “Pretty good, how’re you doin’?” in a sort of Coach Taylor inflection, even though that’s not even proper English. (I should at least be saying, “Pretty well.”)
In reality, the way I’m feeling at any given moment is much more complex than a one- or two-word boilerplate response.
I tell myself I keep it brief because I don’t want to waste people’s time — that they’ve just offered it as a pleasantry and really don’t care all that much how I’m doing. They ask because it’s what society dictates you’re supposed to do when addressing acquaintances in passing, and doing so is usually less awkward than passing in complete silence.
BUT NOT ANYMORE.
This year, I resolved to answer honestly any time somebody asked me how I was doing (outside of work, of course). And the reactions? Well, the reactions so far have been pretttttty interesting, ranging from extreme confusion to ambivalence to what seems like genuine human interest.
And now, like any good scientist, I’m going to report back with my findings. The following are a few of my responses to “How are you?” in 2016.
It’s been a pretty weird journey so far.
“I am phenomenal. I look like a mess, I know, because I haven’t been home since yesterday morning. And not only did I get laid last night by a girl I like, but on my way home from New Jersey (I crossed state lines, which is atypical of me) I stopped at a Duane Reade for something to drink and found out that Gatorade has re-released its Citrus Cooler flavor! What’s your favorite Gatorade flavor?”
[REACTION: My friend gave me a high-five and answered that his favorite is good ole’ Lemon Lime. What a basic bitch.]
“Existentially unstable. You?”
[REACTION: This person didn’t even flinch. She just said, “Oh, not bad.” I’m pretty sure she didn’t even listen to or register my response.]
“I’m not bad but I’m feeling kind of ashamed of myself. I was just reading this story about how Bristol Palin recently gave birth to her second out-of-wedlock kid, whose father might not even be the guy she was engaged to at the time of its conception. This would all have been fine or unremarkable if she didn’t preach celibacy and all that weird Christian stuff. The first thing I thought was, This lady is the worst kind of person and hypocrite. But the second thing I thought was, If I’m being honest with myself, if she showed up here right now and asked me if I wanted to bang, I’d probably do it (though I would definitely take every birth control precaution), even though I hate the person she is. I hate myself, my hormones and my apparent lack of control over my sexual urges. Boners, man. They’re weird. But other than that I feel alright. It’s been a pretty productive day. What have you been up to lately? How’re the kids?”
[REACTION: She cracked up laughing and then we started talking about how terrible the Palins are. If we hadn’t been passing each other in the street on a sub-freezing day, we probably could’ve kept the conversation going on just that topic for like six hours. Those people are the worst.]
“Feeling kind of clean and energized. I haven’t eaten any meat yet in 2016. I wanted to see how long I could do it, and now I’m enjoying it a little bit. I think I’ve lost some weight, too. The only thing is I’ve been eating a ton of soy, and I’ve heard that there’s a lot of estrogen in it. So I’m a little bit worried I’ll get even more emotional than I already am, and that I’ll gain a cup size in my man tits if I don’t go easy on the vegan protein nuggets (which are delicious, for real, especially when dipped in vegenaise mixed with organic ketchup). Also, now I feel kind of douchey because apparently I’ve become that guy who goes vegetarian then tells everybody about it in casual conversation. I’m the worst, aren’t I?”
[REACTION: Apparently this dude really listens when I say things to him, because he immediately brought up a conversation we’d had more than six months before during which I (allegedly) said I didn’t trust people who don’t eat meat. To which I responded I’m just trying to lose some weight and to, like, just let me live.]
“Bewildered, mostly. I mean, Donald Trump could potentially become the next POTUS.* Think about that for a second! And if not him, it could be Ted Cruz! What really freaks me out is that Trump’s candidacy seemed like a kind of unfunny joke at first, but now a successful campaign doesn’t seem completely out of the realm of possibility. And what’s worse is how this happened: there are enough people out there who support him and think he would make a good President that he has become a viable candidate. Right now, he’s the favorite in the Republican party! If you’d have told me eight years ago that I’d be standing here today saying seriously that I’d prefer another Bush take office, I would’ve told you to fuck off. Anyway, how’re you?”
*I actually said POTUS, like I’m Aaron Sorkin or, I don’t know, Wolf Blitzer.
[REACTION: We made plans to hang out and drink and watch Iowa Caucus results coverage. I think maybe I’ll invite my other friend who detests the Palins and make a Monday night party out of it.]
“Really, really tired. I haven’t been sleeping well lately because I’ve been having these strange dreams. Last night, I had this nightmare where I was abducted by aliens and Agent Dana Scully couldn’t even save me, and then I woke up in a cold sweat. I went to the bathroom then went back to sleep, only to have another weird dream. This one was a sex dream with my high school girlfriend, who is pregnant and married. I won’t tell you whether she was pregnant or not during the dream sex. I’m about to head to lunch. Want to come? Want me to pick you up anything?”
[REACTION: “What…the fuck are you talking about?” he said before shaking his head and walking away. I think he thought I was messing with him. Which is probably for the best.]
“Oh, you know, just livin’ the night terror! How are you with night terrors?”
[REACTION: He asked for specifics about why I felt like my life was similar to a living night terror. Then we talked about some weird dreams he’d been having, and we ended up Googling what some of our dreams were supposed to mean. This was probably the most frank and honest conversations I’ve ever had with someone that was spurred by them asking me how I was doing.]
When I first started on Jan. 1, I wasn’t really sure what my little social experiment would be like, except that blurting out true-to-life answers would be awkward for both myself and the victims of my brutal honesty. But like anything awkward, if you repeat it enough it eventually becomes less so, and once you get through the awkwardness you see the positives that often come when someone decides to quit being afraid of social discomfort.
I’ve found that my approach has chased away the people who would ask me how I was doing without really caring (talking about having a sex dream starring a pregnant woman will make a person think twice before throwing empty pleasantries your way in the future), and that, inversely, it’s helped me engage more thoroughly and interestingly with the people who really actually do care.
So I’m going to keep doing it. And maybe you should try it too. If we all start doing this, we’ll really get to know people on a deeper level—and we’ll come just a little bit closer to understanding the confounding human condition.
