The Revised Rules of Public Transit

Hi there! This is Paul J. Wiedefeld, General Manager of the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (better known as WMATA. Don’t you just love saying that? Here, let’s say it again. Wuh-MAH-ta! Great fun.) As a longtime resident of this wonderful city, and an experienced Metro rider, you are no doubt familiar with certain ground rules that have long been in place in our stations and aboard our trains. Well, I’m here to tell you that those rules are not part of the Wiedefeld Way. Hear that sound in the distance? It’s a brand-new era rumbling down the track.

I read a book long ago, and it included a line that’s always stuck with me: “The customer is always right.” What a great read. The title was The Customer is Always Right, I think. Ever since I started working here a couple of months ago, I’ve been observing customers and figuring out how we can put my philosophy into action. I’m now pleased to unveil a new list of guidelines that will maximize customer satisfaction and rightness:

· In the past, the robotic voice over the intercom instructed you to wait for customers to exit the train before you attempted to board. No longer. You are now encouraged to push past customers who just won’t get out of your way quickly enough. Optimal barging technique can be achieved through use of the forearms, elbows, and large backpacks filled with bricks. You may also wish to shout “MOVE!” as you crowd past. If you are a gay male, you should accompany this exclamation with a sassy snap of your fingers.

· During the reigns of previous public-transit fascists, you were not permitted to use audio devices unless you had headphones or earbuds. I am here to free your music. Most of your fellow customers would very much enjoy the chance to hear the gangsta rap and thrash metal offered up by your iPhone’s tinny speaker. Even better, you should sing along and dance in the aisles. When choosing your playlist, please remember: The more words that start with “B,” “F,” and “N,” the better!

· Those seats right next to the doors used to be reserved for disabled patrons. But enforcing such a rule isn’t very conducive to the always-rightness of our customers. Our riders have discovered that these seats can be used for so much more than the boring old resting of tired legs. If your purse is feeling weary from the weight of all your husband’s money, feel free to plop it down next in the seat next to you. Your Popeyes leftovers are entitled to the same comfort as any elderly man in the throes of arthritis. Or, if you don’t have any items in tow, feel free to stretch your legs across the seat and practice your centerfold pose. If someone falls, it’s only a short drop.

· WMATA values the health and fitness of all its customers. One great way to stay in shape is to run a few sprints on the platform. It’s also a great way to make sure you catch the next train, especially when another one is coming two minutes later. In such circumstances, previously discussed bowling-over techniques can be employed liberally. Our research has also indicated that attempting to squeeze through closing train doors is a particularly satisfying experience for many customers. The resulting delays make the door-squeezers feel as if they have godlike omnipotence, having singlehandedly disrupted the machinations of our universe’s clockwork with a single step. If that isn’t customer satisfaction, I don’t know what is!

· In the olden days, you couldn’t smoke in our facilities. Stupid nanny state, right? Now, not only are you welcome to light up, you can also throw your cigarette butts onto the tracks. We’ve placed archery targets down there, so you can have some fun while you’re waiting. Compete against your smoker friends and go for a bullseye! Oh, and if you cause a derailment, you get a million points and automatically win the game! (You also get a guilty conscience and a trainload of legal trouble. But still, a million points!)

So, there you have it… you’re welcome! Your commute will be so awesome, you’ll never want it to be over (especially if you work as a systems analyst). And don’t worry about reporting unattended bags anymore. If you find something, it’s yours. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find a briefcase full of cash left behind by a Whole Foods shopper.

But please, nobody pee in here anymore. That shit is just not cool.