Welcome to the TMZ Bus Tour, Freaks
“Pile on, freaks. It’s time to get this TMZ tour started! My name is Becca and I’ll be your guide through the city of angels… and not-so-angels… for the next two hours. I hope you guys are pumped, because I’m about to show you the haunts of the rich and famous, as well as the spots where some of the most notorious celebrity scandals went down.
Who remembers way back in the 90s when Hugh Grant was arrested for picking up a prostitute? BRUTAL! This is the block where that happened. It’s also the block where Charlie Sheen was once seen picking up a prostitute! Talk about HASHTAG LOSING. Fellas… any of you want to hop out here? Juuuust kidding.
Take a look out your window as we turn onto Sunset Boulevard. On your right, you’ll see the Coffee Bean parking lot where Lindsey Lohan notoriously berated her assistant because she was unhappy with the day’s weather. DAAAY-UM, am I right? And next door is the club where Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen famously argued all night about a high-risk stock investment. Justin Bieber was kicked out of that same club for parkouring across the bar, which would have been fine, but he accidentally kicked Bruno Mars in the hair. OOF! On this next block, you’ll see the restaurant where Shia LaBeouf once worked as a waiter… doing research for a performance piece about the common man.
See that oak tree? Tom Hardy’s dog likes to pee on it. Clive Owen once cried while sitting on that blue bench over there, just because he was feeling sad! Ha!
Okay, you freaks, listen up! We’re making a special stop today for Robbie and Kayla, a pair of locals who are here celebrating their five-year anniversary. Stand up, guys — don’t be shy! There we go. Now look to your right. Does that Saddle Ranch seem familiar? It should, because that’s where Robbie and Kayla had their first date. Waiters report that Robbie declined a glass of wine because ‘he was driving,’ but Kayla realized it was actually because he was nervous about the bill, so she ordered a salad and pretended she’d eaten a big lunch. Awww, you sweetie pies!
Behind the Saddle Ranch is the parking lot where Robbie and Kayla had their first kiss. Robbie waited for the valet to pull up Kayla’s car, like a gentleman, and then he snuck off and walked ten blocks to the side street where he’d parked for free. Or so he’d thought! Turns out, he was in a permit-only zone and a ticket was waiting. A ticket he sneakily placed on windshield of a nearby BMW before quickly driving off. Whoa, Kayla, it looks like you didn’t know that little tidbit, did you? Ha ha!
To your right, you’ll see that same Saddle Ranch. It’s the location where Robbie had his first date with Angela two weeks after the one with Kayla. Aw, hon, don’t worry! Rumor has it he never really liked Angela, he’d just heard she was good in bed. So… was she, Robbie? You don’t have to answer that. We’ll find out anyway.
Okay, moving along! As soon as we get over the hill, we’ll pass a big Spanish-style house. It’s a beautiful 5-bedroom that recently sold for three-and-a-half-million dollars to Carey Mulligan, sparking rumors that her marriage is on the rocks. It’s also the house Robbie dreamed of buying as a kid. He’d gaze at it longingly from the window of the school bus as he commuted from his single mom’s apartment in East Hollywood. It sounds stupid, but Robbie really thought he’d actually own the house one day. Maybe if he’d had more ambition, or if he’d been just a little bit better at interviews. Nicer suit, stronger handshake, without that stutter that sometimes comes up when he gets really nervous. If he’d only invested better, he might have been able to afford something on the block, or at least in the neighborhood.
He still drives by it sometimes, thinking about a different life. And then he continues up the street, like we’re doing right now. Turns and goes down the hill. Back onto Sunset. Let’s pull over… yes, right here. Okay, on your left you’ll see a very special Taco Bell. It’s the Taco Bell where Robbie goes secretly, late at night, after driving past his dream home. He orders at the drive-thru, then parks around back, where he gorges on chalupas and smothered burritos without even getting out of the car . He keeps a bottle of air freshener in the glove compartment to hide the smell of ground beef and cheese oil from Kayla.
Speaking of Kayla…we happen to be right across from the Starbucks Kayla once patronized specifically so she could use the bathroom. Which, baristas report, she took forever inside. After this insanely long amount of time — I mean, people were talking about it all week — she flushed three times, waited another minute, then hurried out without making eye contact with the other women in line. Right there at that very Starbucks!
We’re now coming up to the intersection where Kayla once waved at a man across the street because he was waving at her, but it turned out he was actually waving at someone behind her.
Robbie stepped in dog shit on this very block, and a group of teenage girls laughed at him.
Kayla once had an embarrassing sexual thought while waiting in line at that bookstore.
Robbie’s looking kind of chubby these days.
Robbie, Kayla, how’s your sex life?
Guys? Where are you going? Rayla… er… Kobbie, stop! You can’t jump out of the bus like that. We’ll have to alert the paparazzi.”
