New Mulla Nasruddin stories
Ancient crazy wisdom reinvented for our times
Mulla Nasruddin (or Nasruddin Hodja in Turkey, or Nasrudin and some more variations in different languages or dialects) is a crazy wisdom teacher, a bit like the Tijl Uilenspiegel of Western Europe. His stories are regarded as Sufi teaching stories, and according to believe many have at the least six layers of meaning hidden within. In some stories the Mulla is incredibly wise, in others a total idiot, although at times one can wonder whether this was on purpose or not. Through his stories we can study our own convictions and madnesses, without making an ass of ourselves. We’re so lucky the Mulla is willing to take that role for us upon his shoulders. It’s easy to google some of his stories, or find an old copy of his most famous collector, Indries Shah who wrote a whole series full of the anecdotes about the Mulla. But not today, for here I try, and humbly apologise in case you think I overplayed my hand, to write new stories for the Mulla in the 21st century.
Buy Our Lies
Mulla Nasruddin had, once again, been fired from his latest job. This time it was advertising. He had claimed he was master in manipulating the truth. And since more than enough people confirmed this claim, he had gotten the job. The Mulla had a major car brand to tell the truth. All over cities on posters and on the internet a message had been posted: A clear picture of the new product range, the brand logo and a huge slogan: ‘Believe our lies that make you buy this car!’ That almost got him fired. Strangely just about enough people thought it was a good joke and bought anyway. His boss thereupon gave the Mulla an extra chance. He imposed on him, though, just trying to be sure. “ That’s not how you do advertising. People should feel they buy quality; they shouldn’t buy lies.” “I’ll make sure of that!” promised the Mulla. A few days later all over the internet and in major cities on the walls the next campaign appeared. This time, the giant slogan across the new cars and brand logo said, ‘Don’t buy our lies to make you buy this car!’
Money for Peacemaking
Mulla Nasruddin had, once again, been fired from his latest job. This time it was lobbying. He had claimed he was master in manipulating the truth. And since more than enough people confirmed this claim, he had gotten the job. As a lobbyist for a major corporate player he had to make sure the government kept sponsoring the arms industry. “You know,” his boss had said, “to ‘keep the peace’,” making quote marks with his fingers and winking with a big salesman smile.
With loads of money, to bribe and convince politicians, the Mulla held lots of parties and was welcomed to many others. Strangely he didn’t land his employer one single contract. His boss enquired about the Mulla’s operation. People told him, the Mulla was seen as the new Peace Machine. That sounded good to his boss, but the sales worried him. He then informed further. It appeared the Mulla paid people to not buy arms nor incite, nor join, wars, however far from home and however ‘evil’ the opposition seemed, or however big the ‘opportunities’ for businesses were, would they win such a war. His boss almost exploded. The Mulla was called to his office. “Don’t you know, you not only wasted millions of my money? You also wasted millions of major industries who also would have benefitted from our ‘peacemaking’ by force?” The Mulla looked sad. “Yes, I know.” the Mulla exclaimed, “And what’s worse, I gave it to the wrong people. If I’d given it to the poor of our enemies, they would have used it to build up their lands to healthy peaceful places. Now the money just went down limitless pockets and the other side still has little hope for better times.”
Humans or Robots?
Mulla Nasruddin had, once again, been fired from his latest job. This time it was education. He had claimed he was a master in teaching the youth. More than enough people confirmed this claim, of him as a great teacher of lessons, forgetting to mention how he actually taught. So he had gotten the job. The children all spoke highly of his teachings, so parents and the school board looked forward to the end of the year results.
At the end of the year though, when the young students were tested, they all failed all their tests. The parents and the school board were dumbfounded. What had happened? They found that, half the day, the Mulla would tell funny teaching stories to his children, which they then would discuss, and the other half of the day they would play. When they demanded the Mulla to explain himself he pointed to the children. “Ah, I thought you wanted me to educate them to become thriving humans. I didn’t know you meant answering machines, that only make adults happy.”
It has been said that these children never finished their schools, yet all became thriving citizens doing more good for society than many academics in high positions.
Peace Negotiations
Mulla Nasruddin had, once again, been fired from his latest job. This time it had been leading peace negotiations. Since he angered so many people in previous jobs, some scheming billionaire politicians were sure the Mulla would lead his country to a profitable war. At first their plan seemed to work out. The Mulla riddled everyone in the negotiations with his jokes and contradictions. Then after a long evening the Mulla started agreeing with all demands of the other side. And he did so in the press conference at the end of the third day. “Sure we apologise on the international stage for our transgressions.” “Sure we’ll hand over that disputed province.” “Sure we’ll take away troops from the border.” “Sure we framed the resistance to our aggression as terrorism.”
The billionaire politicians reading this in the paper raged with anger. Upon which the Mulla reposted, “I must say, partying with the opposing side was more fun.” The scheming politicians now thought they had a way to take him down. For this last quote they wanted him tried for treason. But then in the investigation it came out he had angered the opposing side just as much. He indeed had partied with them deep into the night, which ended with him taking millions in bribes. Yet after putting those millions safely on an offshore account, he had told them, “I’ll do all I promised, but my words will be totally invalid, as not my negotiation skills determine the outcome of this peace process. It’s the will of those with power benefitting from the conflict. They all wanted me to fuck it up.” The billionaire politicians, who had tried to use the Mulla, feared such a testimony, so they just let him go. But then a strange thing happened. The peace seemed to work, for no scheming billionaire dared to go on air claiming, “Yes, we’ll continue our aggression.” “Yes, we keep tensions high by bringing over more troops.” “Yes, we hired a negotiator hoping he’d make a peace deal impossible.” Thus the billionaires had to accept the peace deal. And millions saw them as heroes for stopping the war. And later, with grinding teeth, they accepted the Nobel Peace prize.
