On Holding Space —
One of the most important skills to learn in this lifetime.
I have been spending almost 4 decades now being a space-holder. My job titles over the years are not exactly “space-holder,” but the nature of my work (whether as a corporate trainer, a yoga teacher, studio owner, a meditation teacher, a life coach, a counselor) and the roles I have in life (as a friend, a parent, a daughter, a sister, and a wife) are most certainly exactly that.
If you look at the roles you play, chances are, for most of your life, you have probably been asked (implicitly or explicitly) to hold space for others, too.
We hear the term “holding space” all the time, and in the circles I roam, it seems that this is an expected norm from yoga and meditation teachers, counselors, and psychologists. What does it really mean to hold space?
Holding space is letting someone be. Period. That’s really as simple a definition as it can get, but let’s break it down a little bit more.
When we hold space for someone, we are doing something beautiful: we are giving them a chance to feel safe and supported in being exactly what they are and allowing whatever arises in the moment to simply happen. We see them with no judgment, we believe that they are doing their best, and we allow them to experience their reality without attempting to alter it in any way.
Humanistic psychologist Dr. Carl Roger’s Person-Centered Approach to counseling is anchored in his deep faith in human beings. He championed the idea of accepting people with total respect, compassion, and positive regard. His argument was that each person is always doing the best they can, based on the coping skills they have learned in their lives so far.
I’m putting emphasis on “so far,” because our skill levels in terms of coping, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance are not the same. You may know how to handle stressful situations better than I do. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Each person can only deploy these life skills up to the level that they know.
If we come to this realization and awareness that the person we are talking with is doing the best they can, then this changes our role to simply giving the person the permission to feel.
When we hold space, we have to remember that this isn’t about our experience, but what the other person is experiencing. Our own biases, opinions, life skills, or expertise has nothing to do with what the other person is going through. Let them share their reality with you. Our job is to sit there with the discomfort and just be present. Nothing else.
The key component to holding space is safety. Making the other person feel safe to just be open, genuine, vulnerable, to be able to show their true self and express what they really feel — this is what holding space is all about. Let us not be afraid of silence, of crying, of laughing, of whatever emotion that might come up.
This moment isn’t about you or what you have experienced in the past. Unless asked explicitly (and even so, I’d be careful not to invalidate the other person’s experience), there is no need for your advice; you are not part of this process. You are just here to be the witness and temporary caretaker of the feelings and concerns of another person.
Holding space requires radical humility and you will have to leave your ego by the door.
(Almost) Automatic Dismissiveness and Invalidation
Holding space and sitting in uncomfortable conversations are not easy things to do. Here are some feelings and thoughts that may automatically come up when we find ourselves in the space-holder role:
- This is aaawkward. What am I supposed to say? I should say something.
- Oh no, she’s crying. Should I pat her, hug her…what do I do??
- “Girl, that’s nothing. I have experienced something waaay worse…”
- “You should be thankful that’s what you’re experiencing! You know what happened to ME?”
- “Oh, don’t think about that! Just be happy! Relax! Be grateful!”
- “You should not be feeling that way.”
- “During my time…”
- “If I were you…”
- “I’ll pray for you.”
There may be more. But I’m sure you’ve heard some of these in your head or actually have blurted them out loud, because I know I have, and when I did, it felt completely natural and my intentions were good.
But see, these statements in quotation marks are invalidating the experience of the other person and do not allow them to feel and be. Indirectly, what we are saying is either “Your negative experience is not valid,” “Your experience is not as important as mine (or another person’s),” or “I don’t know how to handle this, so I’ll just dismiss it.”
Invalidation results to the other person feeling as if their experiences are not important or even real. In the long term, continuous invalidation may create self-doubt, feelings of helplessness, and problems in emotion regulation.
So what can we do to hold better space for others?
Since holding space does not come naturally for us, just like any skill we’re trying to learn, it will be difficult and uncomfortable at first. We may also start to think that we’re “not built” for it, but that is not true.
Think of holding space as an act of love, and humans, if anything, are created to love. Here are some not-always-easy tips that can help us become better holders of space:
Ask.
This is the best way to start holding a safe space: by asking the other person if they want to talk about it (whatever it is). When they do start talking about what’s on their mind, notice the impulse to make it about you and temper it by reminding yourself that this conversation is not about you.
Listen with empathy and curiosity.
Taking the idea that each person is doing the best they can, try to listen and understand where the other person is coming from. Look at the situation from their point of view, from their experiences as a human being, and from their own ways of reasoning. Observe how this is making them react physically and how this can be affecting them emotionally.
“Listening is one of the loudest forms of kindness.” — Anonymous
Reflect the emotion as accurately as you can.
A way to keep yourself in check is if you can help label the emotion the other person is feeling. “I can see this is making you upset.” Chances are, if that is not what they are feeling, they will correct you.
Validate.
Validating an emotion or an experience is not equal to agreeing with it. Validating means you see why the person is feeling such, taking into consideration their background, their current point of view, and their other biases such as fears and previous experiences. “I now understand why this is making you feel frustrated.” Validation makes the person feel safe to share more.
Ask questions again.
This time, consider that the expert in this case is not you, but the person sharing their experience with you. They may be overwhelmed, sad, confused, upset, or exhausted right now, but chances are, this isn’t the first time they have encountered the emotion. Here are some helpful questions to get you started:
- “What did you do that helped you go through something similar tothis?”
- “What resources do you think can help you right now? How do you think you can get the help you need?”
- “What other perspective can you take to make this better for you?”
Even if you feel anecdotal, say you’d like to share your own story that might help them view the situation differently, ask permission. Remember that this is not your stage. “Is it okay if I share with you a story?… Did that help you in terms of perspective?” Asking permission communicates respect and going back to the concern implies the return of the spotlight to them.
Trust.
Unless the concern has a textbook answer (e.g. “I’m so frustrated because I can’t operate my tablet!”), please stop yourself from giving “expert” advice. Treat the other person as an equal, as another human being experiencing things like you do, too, and have faith in the other person that they are capable of finding a solution that works best for them.
They may ask you what you would do in the same situation, and you may share, of course, but never impose. “I have been in a similar situation before and this is what I did… but then again, my circumstances are not the same as yours. We can figure things out together by brainstorming, if you want.” This is a safe answer, which will lead you back to asking questions, reflecting emotions, or paraphrasing concerns again. You can also make your questions a little deeper or more inquisitive to help the other person see things differently, if need be.
Assure the other person that they have a safe space with you.
We can’t expect that a resolution will manifest itself by our simply holding space. Most of the time, it is something we will have to do repeatedly. This is where love and care come in. “If you want to talk about this again, I’m just here.”
Holding space is not an easy task (in fact, it can be tiring, too, at times, especially when you feel you need a safe space but there is no one to talk to), but it is essential if we want to have meaningful relationships in this lifetime. This includes your relationship not just with your significant others, but also with your parents, kids, peers, bosses, acquaintances, and practically whoever you come across with this lifetime.
Imagine a world where you and the people you love can take turns in sharing safe spaces — to feel, to cry, to laugh, or to be silly with no judgment and no “expert” advice, just a place to be a human being. Ah. Beautiful.
The most valuable things we can share with a person are our presence, our attention, and our faith in them.
Let’s give those.
Rachel is a certified life coach and a psychological counselor, and is the co-founder and co-director of Lighthouse Wellness Philippines, a holistic wellness support group. Together with their pool of coaches, psychologists, and counselors, they educate people on mental health and conduct one-to-one services online. For more information, visit www.lighthousewellnessph.com. She is also a yoga and meditation teacher and is the owner of Treehouse Yoga.
You may also listen to her podcast guesting on Spotify with the Grit & Ground team on holding space as a person and as a yoga teacher.
