“I’m Fine” — The Most Dangerous Two-Word Phrase
When I was around 14, I began developing some serious anger issues. I had my thoughts as to where my rage was coming from, as I hadn’t exactly been living the “teen dream” at that point in my life, but didn’t consider it anything unnatural. I’d spent most of my childhood living in relatively poor neighborhoods, and was no stranger to the everyday hallway fist fight, ill-tempered teachers at school, or household dysfunction (both in my own home and at my friends’). Yelling, arguing, fighting and name-calling were all things that I just considered to be a normal part of life. So, once I finally caught up with the crowd and began waking up every day with the urge to put my fist through the wall, I considered it a natural development and assumed I would either learn to manage it, or that it would just pass on its own.
I wish I could say that I learned pretty quickly that it doesn’t work that way. I wish I could say I recognized after the first year or so that I wasn’t just living through an unfortunate series of events and that something really was wrong. But no one wants to admit that they’re wrong, especially when they’re angry.
By the time I’d graduated from high school, my anger had spiraled out of control. I expected it to just go away after I got my diploma, but I ended up leaving with anger issues that were four years stronger than when I went in. I thought that getting away from all the people that were contributing to my negativity would get me away from the negativity itself, but I learned very quickly that your emotions are yours and yours alone, and you can’t leave them with anyone but yourself. A few months after graduation, I collapsed in on myself like a black hole. I suddenly began to feel completely numb, started having panic attacks on a daily basis, and contemplated suicide for the remainder of my graduation year.
This is where denial had gotten me. Denial, the act of “getting over it,” partying your ass off, or harboring the excuse of having woken up on the wrong side of the bed — every day — is something that modern day society is well-practiced in. For someone who is mentally ill, there are few short word phrases that are more dangerous than, “I’m fine.” More often than not, “I’m fine” really means “I’m enraged, I’m heartbroken, I’m depressed, I wanna die,” or all of the above. We abuse the phrase, “I’m fine” usually for one of two reasons: (1) to avoid making others worry about us, or (2) to avoid talking about our issues. Seldom do we realize that talking to others about our issues — after acknowledging ourselves that we have them — is exactly what we need to feel better.
Whether it’s you or someone you know that has a problem, the ability to be able to recognize and talk about your issue(s) is what will ultimately determine the severity of the outcome. While it may be commonplace to bury those dark emotions that you don’t want to deal with, it’s far from healthy. Denial can manifest itself into a great deal of stress, resulting in poor coping mechanisms like overeating or substance abuse. Or, in my case, it can create severe emotional imbalance, causing people to become hot-tempered, overwhelmingly sad, or just blatantly uninterested in everyday life, all of which are symptoms of depression. If you’re someone like me, you might settle for one or more of these things because it seems, “normal.” But, just accepting your new, unfulfilling way of life isn’t going to get you anywhere or make you feel any better. Casey Keys of the online nonprofit Heart Support puts it perfectly: “You don’t have to be right where you are forever… you tell yourself a lie that you do, or that you’ll never get better, but the only way you’re not ever going to get better is if you stop working on it” (HeartSupport, 2020). In other words, if you don’t want to end up at rock bottom, take the time now to think about what it is that’s really bothering you. You don’t have anything real to gain by pretending that life is perfect. On the contrary, we gain room to develop as human beings when we recognize that room exists in our lives to do so.
So why do we deny our feelings? What’s the appeal in making everything seem like life is perfect? Well, it can be a combination of things. In an article by Jerry Kennard, Ph.D., a Chartered Psychologist and Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society, he writes that some of the most common reasons that people deny their depression are related to work, self-esteem and self-image (Kennard).
“I can’t afford to be depressed, I have a job to do.”
“I’m too cool to be sad.”
“I don’t want to look like one of those self-harming people…”
Pride, stress, and peer pressure are all things that can cause people to hide their problems, both from others and from themselves. “Denying that your emotional state isn’t all that it might be is a good way of pressing ahead,” Kennard says. “You may not be firing on all cylinders, but you’re hoping it’s just a virus or a bit of pressure that will pass. This is extremely common. It’s the psychological equivalent of running a car on reserve fuel and hoping it won’t shutter to a halt” (Kennard). In many cases, however, your life could very well end up at a shuddering halt, leaving you wondering what happened and how you got there. The important thing is to ask yourself the tough questions now, before reaching the point of no return.
Now, make no mistake: just because you may have problems in your life doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with you. Everyone, no matter who they are or where they come from, has a battle that they have to wake up every day and fight, be it internal or external. No one is untouchable. As an example, take a look at celebrities: the people who “have it all.” Slipknot, who are one of my idols, are one of the biggest bands on the planet and have sold millions of records worldwide. Despite their success, however, the band have faced an innumerable amount of challenges both at the professional level and at the personal level, some of which remain constant in their daily lives. Regarding the music industry as a whole, guitarist Jim Root says, “I think that’s why… a lot of people do turn to drugs and alcohol and things like that. For some people, what starts out to be a social thing ends up becoming a medicative sort of thing… whether they’re using it to shut off all these problems that are around them or that they have in their mind… at the end of the day it’s not really solving anything” (The You Rock Foundation, 2016). This is another way of saying that fame, money and popularity aren’t enough for you to solve your problems without facing your own denial. He adds, “If you’re not happy with the way your life’s going or with the things that are going on around you, then you have to make steps to take yourself out of it and make yourself happy” (The You Rock Foundation, 2016). Ultimately, you have the power to turn your own life around now. Alternatively, you can continue living in denial if you think it’s what makes you “happy” for now, but I’ve never read, heard or watched a story like that with a good ending. Remember that it’s not just about recognizing that you’re sad, angry or distressed in some way. It’s about realizing that you need to make a change in your life, rather than settling for, “I’m fine.”
When I hit rock bottom, I almost didn’t make it out. To this day, I’m still surprised that I did. But I’m one of the lucky ones. Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide, and suicide is the second leading cause of death in the world for 15–24 year olds (save.gov). I was 18 when I came the closest I’ve ever been to the edge of the abyss. Statistically speaking, I shouldn’t have survived, but I was able to turn everything around at the last minute by taking the time to re-examine my mental health, swallow my pride and admit that I had a problem. You have the capability to do that too. So long as you are still alive and breathing, it’s never too late to turn your life around and make things better for yourself. Don’t wait; the sooner you take that step for yourself, the better. There’s no shame in facing your inner turmoil. Once you do, you’ll never take another breath for granted.
