How to Host a Pandemic-Safe Funeral or Memorial
Staying connecting in shared grief during COVID-19
Death is an ever-present life experience. While the pandemic has brought death to so many loved ones, people are also dying of other causes. Whatever the cause, we need ways to stay connected and share in our grief.
Whether gathering for socially distant funerals and graveside services or utilizing technology tools for memorials, we need to find ways to feel connected while honoring and celebrating the life of the one who passed away.
Before COVID19, physical contact such as hugging or holding the hands of the mourner were an essential part of any gathering. We all relied on touching one another to express our sorrow. Now, masks and restricted attendance keep us from using our most familiar ways of connecting. Instead of touching those we love to show our care, we must connect through our other senses. Tapping into our senses; smell, taste, and sound have been elevated as strategies for safely gathering and mourning together.
Here are some ideas for a socially distant funeral:
Candles
A candle-lighting ritual can be one way to invite everyone into the shared socially distant space. An altar candle near the casket can represent the unity of spirit of all those gathered even when seated far apart. Lighting a candle at the beginning of the funeral can create a sense of opening the service. Those following along via technology can be invited (in advance) to attend prepared with a candle to light at the same time. Even if attendees are far from the funeral location, flickering candlelight can bring togetherness to the experience.
Breath
Seated in a socially distant way, breath can also be an opportunity for connection. I have noticed that people everywhere we go are holding their breath at times. In fear, sadness, and grief. Our breath, whether behind a mask or in a virtual funeral, is a way of deepening our sense of peace inside ourselves and our connection to others. After the candles have been lit, invite attendees to focus for a few moments of silence on their own breath. This focus can be a quiet way of deepening into the present moment. Slowing down by breathing together allows each person to connect with their own grief and the shared grief of the gathering.
Sacred readings or poetry
Funeral traditions, whether in person or online can include sacred readings or poetry to help bring everyone into a sense of community. Invite participants to close their eyes and take in the words being read or spoken. Read slowly; a text has the power to bring people further into the space, into their own body, and into the present. To make this more impactful, you may choose or invite another participant to read the piece a second time. It takes time for people to really hear the power of readings — a funeral is a place to slow down and come into the presence of a loss.
Music
Singing is not recommended. Listening to recorded singers performing a piece of music loved by the deceased is another powerful way to bring everyone together. Pre-recorded music is available in a variety of forms and many funeral homes provide the technology for playing music.
Virtual funeral services make singing together a possibility because people are already socially distant. In this case, singing together can be included — while you cannot hear one another singing along, it will be the act of joining in that will provide a deeper sense of connection and participation.
Sweet treats
Sharing even a taste of something the deceased enjoyed is a wonderful inclusion of senses in your socially distant service. In-person attendees can be invited to take an individually wrapped food item such as a candy bar with them as a reminder of their loved one’s favorite treat and the sweet life they lived.
Another way to remember the one who has passed away is to share a favorite recipe. The story of the recipe, when the person loved making it, and what it meant to their efforts of hospitality and love is a great way to honor their life as well as pass on a taste of their legacy. By connecting their life to a specific food, you are also creating a memory link. Food helps us remain connected and gives us resources to draw on when we are lonely or missing that person.
Stories and storytelling
Often family and friends are the best storytellers when it comes to remembering a life well-lived. Stories provide a framework of what was important about that person as well as their impact on each of us. We need stories to hold onto. They are a resource for the grieving and offer insights into the legacies the deceased leaves behind. Spend time exploring the stories in a variety of ways. Invite people to share a story online in the memorial section of an obituary website. Provide an email address so stories can be collected by family members and read whenever they need comfort.
People may be invited to come forward to share a brief story and should do so wearing a mask. Stories are at the heart of how we honor and celebrate a life — so whether gathered in socially distant seating or via technology, stories will form the ground on which the ceremony can stand.
Closing your gathering
At the conclusion of your ceremony, you may want to incorporate prayers, blessings for going out, sacred texts, additional poetry or quotes, or music cherished by your loved one. The opening candle(s) can be blown out as an expression of ending this sacred time. Blowing out the candle can also indicate that a new, unexplored time is beginning.
Deb Brandt is a certified funeral celebrant in Indianapolis, Indiana. With families, she co-creates meaningful funeral services that recognize, honor, and celebrate the one who has died. Deb uses her training as a creative grief practitioner to hold space for the challenges of growing beyond grief. Learn more here.
Article originally posted on Lantern.co
