The Two Poles of FOMO: Understanding Our Responses to the Fear of Missing Out
The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) stems from our deep-seated desire to seize every opportunity life offers while grappling with the limitations of time and resources. But how do we respond to this fear? Interestingly, our reactions fall into two categories, which we can think of as opposites on the FOMO continuum. Let’s examine these two poles — Frenzy and Paralysis — and explore how they shape our experiences, decisions, behaviors, and, ultimately, our lives.
The Frenzy Pole: Living Life in the Fast Lane
Imagine yourself on a high-speed train, the world outside a thrilling blur. This is life at the Frenzy Pole of FOMO — a constant rush, an exhilarating pursuit of experiences, opportunities, and achievements.
You might recognize yourself if you’re always on the go, juggling multiple commitments while finding time for new activities. With every slot filled, your calendar is a masterpiece of out-of-control or hyper-controlled time management. Friends describe you as “always busy” or “living life to the fullest.”
This frenetic pace is driven by the belief that we can have it all by doing more. We want a high-flying career, a perfect family life, professional recognition, and personal growth. We aim for more in every area — work, parenting, fitness, social life, hobbies, and self-care.
This unwavering mindset leads to perpetual restlessness. There’s always another peak to conquer, another adventure to embark on. The world becomes a vast playground, and we’re determined to try every ride, embracing the spirit of adventure.
However, this lifestyle has its challenges. Consistency and perseverance can be elusive when always looking ahead. Saying “no” becomes difficult, even when overcommitted. The adrenaline rush of new experiences becomes addictive.
Perhaps the most poignant aspect is the persistent feeling of frustration. No matter how much you do or achieve, it never feels like enough — like trying to fill a bottomless pit.
This sentiment encapsulates the Frenzy Pole — a life lived at full throttle, exhilarating, and exhausting in equal measure. The pressure to balance it all can be overwhelming, like running on a never-ending treadmill. Fear of missing out drives you to take on new projects, even when stretched thin.
Amidst this whirlwind, there’s often a nagging feeling that you’re somehow missing out on life. Are you truly present in any moment as you rush from one experience to the next? Are you savoring experiences or just ticking them off a never-ending bucket list?
The Frenzy pole of FOMO is paradoxical. In trying to experience everything, you risk experiencing nothing fully. In attempting to seize every opportunity, you may lose sight of what truly matters. It’s a delicate balance between ambition and contentment, between striving for more and appreciating what you have.
The Paralysis Pole: Stuck in the Maze of Choices
At the Paralysis pole of the FOMO spectrum, life is like standing at a complex intersection, frozen by the multitude of paths ahead. Unlike the frantic activity of the Frenzy Pole, FOMO here manifests as debilitating indecision.
Every choice feels monumental for those at this pole because making one means missing out on all others. The abundance of options becomes overwhelming rather than exciting.
This paralysis extends from life-altering decisions to mundane daily choices. The fear isn’t just about missing out on experiences but about missing the best possible option. It’s a constant worry that whatever choice you make, there might have been a better alternative. This mindset often leads to avoiding commitment or backtracking on decisions already made.
This state of indecision can have far-reaching effects. Relationships suffer as plans are constantly changed or canceled. Career progress stalls as important decisions are postponed. Even leisure time becomes stressful as the fear of choosing the “wrong” activity overshadows enjoyment.
The irony is that in trying to keep all options open, you realize none. The fear of missing out becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This pole characterizes a constant state of anticipation. There’s always a feeling that something better is just around the corner, leading to disconnection from the present moment. Even when engaging in activities or spending time with loved ones, there’s a nagging thought about what else you could do.
The mental toll of this constant indecision and second-guessing can be significant, leading to chronic stress, fatigue, and a pervasive sense of dissatisfaction. The weight of unmade decisions and unrealized possibilities can feel crushing.
Despite these challenges, those at the Paralysis Pole often recognize the need for change. They yearn for simplicity and the ability to make decisions without constant doubt and regret, hoping to break free from indecisiveness and lead a more fulfilling life.
The Difference Begins in the Brain
An explanation of why different individuals tend towards either the Frenzy or Paralysis pole of FOMO comes from neuroscience. Jeffrey Alan Gray’s Reinforcement Sensitivity Theory (RST) provides a compelling explanation for these divergent responses.
According to Gray’s theory, our brains have two primary systems that control our reactions to potential outcomes of our behavior. The Behavioral Activation System (BAS) drives us to act and seize opportunities, while the Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS) makes us cautious and helps us avoid adverse outcomes.
These systems don’t just influence our behavior; they shape our personalities. Those with a more dominant BAS tend to be optimistic, proactive, and risk-taking — characteristics that align with the Frenzy pole of FOMO. On the other hand, individuals with a more active BIS are typically more cautious and hesitant, mirroring the traits we see at the Paralysis Pole.
Numerous studies have provided substantial support for Gray’s ideas. For instance, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found a strong correlation between BAS and BIS activity and personality traits. Participants who scored higher on BAS measures were more likely to exhibit characteristics of openness and proactivity, while those with higher BIS scores showed more caution and avoidance behaviors.
Recent research has even suggested that our tendency toward optimism or pessimism — which can influence our FOMO responses — may have roots in our brain structure. A 2022 study published in Brain Sciences found links between the volume of gray matter in specific brain regions and an individual’s inclination toward optimism.
Individual Differences
While the Frenzy and Paralysis poles represent the extremes of FOMO responses, most people fall somewhere along the continuum between these two points. A variety of factors can influence your position on this spectrum.
Age plays a role, with younger individuals often finding it more challenging to make choices, while older people might feel more pressure due to a heightened awareness of passing time. Personality traits also interact with FOMO in complex ways. For instance, those highly open to experience may naturally lean towards the Frenzy Pole due to their desire for novelty and new experiences.
Extroverts, inclined towards social interactions and external stimulation, might experience FOMO more intensely in social contexts. Perfectionists, driven by high standards in all areas of life, may find themselves pulled towards the Frenzy Pole in an attempt to excel in everything.
Situational factors also come into play. Generally, the more options we’re exposed to, the more intensely we experience FOMO. This is why city dwellers often report higher levels of FOMO than those in rural areas. The influence of social media is particularly noteworthy, with frequent users typically experiencing more FOMO than those less engaged with these platforms.
Interestingly, external circumstances can also modulate our FOMO experiences. For instance, the lockdowns during the COVID-19 pandemic temporarily reduced many people’s FOMO, only to surge again as restrictions were lifted.
Understanding these differences is crucial in recognizing our FOMO tendencies and how they shape our behaviors and decisions. Whether we lean towards Frenzy or Paralysis, the ultimate irony of FOMO is that it often leads us to miss out — either by spreading ourselves too thin or failing to seize any opportunities.
Yet, when managed effectively, FOMO can be a powerful motivator. It can push us to live fuller lives, develop ourselves, and make the most of what the world offers. The key lies in finding a balance — a middle ground between the relentless pursuit of more and the paralyzing fear of choosing wrong.
Ultimately, understanding our personal FOMO tendencies is not about eliminating this fear entirely but about harnessing its energy in a way that enhances rather than detracts from our lives. It’s about navigating the complexity of choices and opportunities with awareness, intention, and a healthy dose of self-compassion.
