This is a Company Memo
We have several important announcements to make today
Team,
Due to ongoing challenges of COVID-19, we’ve decided to make some changes to start this planning cycle on the right foot. Though change is difficult, it will help prevent future inefficiencies from harming our agile processes and strategic innovation strategies.
We are announcing the following changes, effective immediately:
1. Updated KPIs for performance evaluation
Metrics on individual employee productivity must continue to increase exponentially. Regarding the daily routines you engage in while working from home (ex. sleeping, eating, breathing, etc.), it is your responsibility to decide which are optional.
Office chairs will be replaced with toilets so employees have more time to add value to the company.
2. Crying at your desk will be mandatory for employee onboarding
There will be an opportunity for all new employees to earn extra money as you collect and bottle tears while weeping, to be sold under a company-brand private label of tears*. Criers are encouraged to reuse and wring out a…
